Journey.. back too... me! Day 12 .. ?I think?

[Dannille33]

So it's been awhile and I pondered if I would continue writing this or not. I am still not convinced if I should or not. After the last 2 posts I found that helping others helped me. Sharing my day by day up's and down's made others feel what they were feeling wasn't insanity it was being a mom, a life full of stress, and anxiety. How when things would slow down life would fall apart bit by bit. When new things would arise life would get trying, and things that seemed to come easy were getting harder everyday.

I was happy the first few post's seeing the support and how others looked forward to seeing what the next day would bring, if the med would help or not. If life was livable with our without the med. And also just myself seeing that life was happening and I was still living dispite all that was going through my mind and my body.

Then after that to me it was like I was just saying the same thing over and over. Who wants to read that? It was like people were going through it and didn't want to read it, or wanted like me to deny it was even happening to them. I started to become depressed.I felt like writing this for everyone to see was useless and a waste of time to share with people. I mean yes it helps me in a way but it was helping other mom's know they two were not alone that helped as well. Support for everyone including myself.

Ok, today I will write I feel I need to. It has rained and been very cold, gloomy, and windy the past 3 days. They say it's not going to get any better. This weather makes me depressed some days and ok the others. The past couple of days I have taken the med one time. It served its purpose for the most part of course silly me went down to taking just a half of a half. I was able to take my son out the other day and we only went one place. It was ok I guess, I just hate having a med act as a crutch. To me that's exactly what it feels like.

Yesterday I didn't move at all hardly, with the constant thunderstorms moving in and out of the city I live in. I didn't see any reason to do much. We also have had out share of flies and bee's out here in the country it's like they find some place to get in and believe me I have tried to seal them out. It's like you kill one 20 more show up. I don't want winter but we need the freeze on the ground so these things can die already. I guess the one good thing was that I did happen to go out right before my husband left for work. I didn't have time to take my med/crutch so I delt with it. Ya know I really didn't think about it till I got to the store. I gathered all I needed and rushed to the counter to check out. Go figure some woman raced by me with a full cart and unloaded it. I was soo mad. I held my composer and just rocked back n forth till it was my turn. After that I wasn't nervous anymore not even on the drive back home. It did take a bit out of me though I found myself going to bed at 8pm. For once but then I always seem to awake at 4am and then again 630am when I am suppose to.

Today has been a really good day. I didn't think I was going to have to go anywhere till my husband decided that I should pick up little wesley at preschool. This is something I haven't done in weeks, it makes me really nervous. So I took my dose of courage/pill this time a whole half as percribed. I then waited a half hour and went to pick him up. Again surprised by how I felt I got to his school and even got out. (I usually just drive up and he runs to the van) I went to get him and even talked with a woman I knew for a short time. Then we went to subway for lunch, and then to a consignment store. I really needed that too I so miss shopping at a walmart or target. This was enough for me though a small little store and my little man was so good. Then we went home. I noticed that I had to go back to town and ya know I went alone. I never go to town twice I am usually to scared today though I didn't feel like that. I got to town and even walked down 4 blocks down from where I parked in the rain to a store that I have needed to go for weeks, then I went a few more places. I think just to go though I didn't need anything. I believe God and the Doc are trying to tell me something with taking half a pill. I just hope I can get by on taking just a half aday.

I did notice today that at times my cheecks would go numb. I am not sure what that is about I just know that my doc said that with stress your limbs can go numb and your face just any part of your body. Stress is a funny thing. I am ok now though.. SO I am doing it! I am proud of myself! and I am happy to share this.

I am going to take a poll perhaps it's a selfish request on my part or not. I just want to know if this helps anyone else for me to share my story. I means so much that I can get to know others that battle this and to hear how they have came so far and I want to know if I do that for others as well. So I am including a poll .. Thanks so much everyone.. Much love and hugs to all...

God Bless even if your spiritual..

Dannille

Tags: stress, anxiety, panic, panic attacks, overhwelmed, emotional, doc, support, mental illness, insantiy

Add A Comment

[Lb128f]

Oct. 2, 2009 at 4:16 PM

I can definitely relate and I think LOTS of other Mom's can too...you may not reach all of them with each post...but, if it helps to write, write! And, if you don't feel like writing then skip a day, you know? You don't have to write when you don't have anything to share or don't feel like it! :-) I hope you will continue to take the med as prescribed...you said --I just hate having a med act as a crutch. To me that's exactly what it feels like. I'm sorry it feels that way to you. It is a medicine that is made to help people who need help, that's you. Taking it doesn't mean you will have to forever...but, even if you did...how wonderful that there IS something you CAN take that DOES help! And, truly...if you were sick or had a broken arm or something...wouldn't you get it fixed? Of course you would so why "fault" the med...it's helping. I feel like you should use whatever you need to use to feel better!

I am glad you are having a good day. And, I'm sorry about the "bugs" and weather. I hope soon they will leave for the winter! :-) But, yeah...it's good that you've been able to do the things you have done.

I had to laugh at the lady with the cart full of stuff (doesn't that always happen)...but, maybe she was feeling stressed and trying to get out of the store too? :-)

I hope you will keep writing...even if just one person sees what you have to say and feels like there is hope it's worth taking the time, you know?

Hope tonight and the weekend will be great for you!

[nik_nak_mom]

Oct. 2, 2009 at 4:28 PM

I think you should keep writing.

[Stickmom]

Oct. 2, 2009 at 4:44 PM

and VOTED POP!

[Dannille33]

Oct. 2, 2009 at 5:08 PM

Thank you .. means alot!!  I am working on a website also so that I can expand this a bit and become a bit more creative. I love to write though my editing skills are terrible. If I would only slow down or tell that to my brain. LOL I hope everyone is having a great friday! Thanks for the votes and the comments and taking the poll...

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

Oct. 2, 2009 at 7:23 PM

[cleanaturalady]

Oct. 3, 2009 at 11:29 AM

Writing to me is very therapeutic.  I think that if you find that it is helping you, then you should keep writing about your life and what is going on.  Don't worry about what other people want you to do.  Do it for yourself.  Putting yourself out there like that is very brave and is bound to help someone else, but that should not be your motivating factor.  Getting better should be your priority right now.  Keep up the good work.

[Guinhyvar]

Oct. 3, 2009 at 7:41 PM

 cleanaturalady is a smart cookie; I concur with what she said.

[tomatoqueen]

Oct. 4, 2009 at 3:40 AM

Write for yourself if it helps. If your writing helps you and ONE other person, it is worth it IMO. Sometimes, we just need to vent and this is a good place for that.

I am  sorry that you feel that your meds are a crutch. I think of my medications as a facilitator. Taking a medication is NOT a sign of weakness or defeat IMo.

Keep writing.