-
Journey back to me Day 13." One of the hardest days of my life!
- Oct 4, 2009 at 10:53 AM
- By
- Comments (6) Total Views (128) Everyone can see this journal post.
Yesterday was a VERY VERY bad days. You could say that inside me was the atomic bomb waiting to blow up. Only problem was I hadn't taking my medicine and didn't feel like having a panic attack so I tried to just deal.
It had been a pretty great day for the most part my kids and I cleaned up the house and decided to just relax it was Saturday. We also have been dealing with a sinus/cold thing for a week so the rest was needed.
I have also been dealing with this bee/hornet problem. Let me tell you it's not fun at all. For the past 3 days I had killed so many of these little suckers and kept telling my hubby that they needed to be taken care of. I mean we have kids running around here and I have to protect them. Well up till yesterday he just let me kill them and life went on. I called my mother in law she is the somewhat land lord and hates me. I told her about the hornets and how we needed to get rid of them. She told me alright and then hung up. She for some reason hates me and thinks that I make up all my sickness's. (There is a HUGE story with her I wont go in to detail about you just have to know her) Anyway for weeks now I have wanted to get down to my basement to clean up. There are some big things that were here when I moved in. My husband has lived in this house for 18 yrs before I moved in so most of the stuff was moved down there or there already. Anyway my mother in law knows that it's cluttered down there and she has told me alot of times that she will help me move and get rid of all of that. Some I have no idea about. Needless to say she is always full of " I will helps" but never comes through. Anyway so yesterday my upstairs so clean you could eat off the floors I was happy. Since I have been sick I have tidied up but not really cleaned so it felt good to get that done.
Ok so tried from the day before and having cleaned all day I was beat and un medicated. My husband came home from helping at a football game at 5pm and here came the mother and father inlaw. Mind you the father in law isn't a bad guy I feel for him. Anyway so they walk around the house spraying the nits and cranny's of everywhere looking for where they were coming in at. My mother in law inspected every part of my house, and she didn't have a problem till the basement. She knew was a cluttery mess. As she traveled down the stairs you could hear her stating how unfit I was as a mother and how my children should be sick from all the crap down there. I mean it was as if my own worst nightmare had came true. She told my husband how he should never ever talk bad about his useless drunk of a brother again. (See his brother is 22 and shacked up with a woman that had 5 kids and no where to live, he took her drug addicted but in and then they were kicked out so many times. They found a place she hardly fed her kids and lived in pure filth. The social workers came and took her kids on and off due to that and the brother being drunk and beating their mom. He had no lisence because he has drunk and drove and wrecked 4 times. He still drove with the kids the last time they were taken away was when he had them in the car no seat belts or anything. Mind you the older kids always took care of the small kids while the mom and his brother lived there lives. They were taken away a few months ago and his mom cared for the little ones for 2 months as the others were split up.) Now this is the mother I was compared too and she knows I am not even remotley close to this and My husband works 12 hour shifts and then manages to work the farm so needless to say he isn't close to that either. We have bills paid and our kids want for nothing!!!
Then the unspeakable happend. See before we moved in my daughter with her autism didn't think right? She saw a fly on the window upstairs and hit it with her soft sole shoe. Well it broke. I mean 100 yr old brittle windows the wind blows they shake. So none the less his mom was mad then, she replaced that window and another my 4 yr old son had broke. Did I mention she was the land lord. They own the farm but we are cloes to owning the house. So anyway last night after my hubbies mother yelled about all that crap she came back up and went straight for my daughter. I was right there lemme tell ya I just wish I was medicated because I needed balls at that moment.
Well she started asking my daughter why she wasn't helping down stairs and yelling at her. I said .. wait a min .. you don't yell at her .. and she said .. SHUT UP. I said no you shut up! She then asked my daughter about the windows and wanted to know why she keeps breaking them like she likes it or something. I again said .. you know why .. she was having a night terror. Again his mom said .. SHUT UP.. FOr once in your life!! YOu don't need to be runing you mouth ... your UN FIT
I said .. what ? Excuse me.. she said SHUT UP! I couldn't take it I was on the verge of a panic attack and just was so angry I could burst! I was weak and I allowed her to make my daughter upset. I felt like I was a failure a mother who couldn't take control .. as my husband just stood there as she went off knowing that I was having trouble. I wanted to flea I wanted to get out of this house so bad.. but I knew I couldn't and I couldn't get to my meds. I just cried so hard and kept crying .. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned .. I cleaned thigns that had been cleaned.. I didn't know what else todo.. my kids were worried I wasn't going to make it and I couldn't find anyone to talk to ..I was alone! I managed to find a piece of paper to write down all my thoughts.. Here are some of them..
I give up! I have tried so hard to do what I can. I miss my mother and being so far from her. I feel like I have just been treated like a dog. Never in my life have I felt so week, and so scared. Joel (my husband) just stands there! I today was compared to an unfit mother. Why cause I am suppose to have a clean basement? Cause my basement before I moved in was an ongoing mess. I asked for help and I asked many times but no one helped. They think what I go through is fake and non exsistant. I am SO ANGRY, UPSET, and Feel so WEAK it unreal. I don't want to be here, I want to go back to the place I moved from 2 yrs ago my little home where I and my kids where happy for the most part. I wont be treated like crap! Where I am respected! I feel like a bad mom, and failed wife. I give up and I give in. I want the ME back the strong me that I was for years, the one that is heard and stands up for my kids , my family and just doesn't stand there. How am I suppose to be ME now? Where did I GO? What happened to bad that I got this way? Will I ever know>? I want my head against the wall just to see if I can get the old out of me. (Then I ran out of paper)
I will tell you this.. I never banged my head to the wall .. I didn't harm myself.. the old me back in younger years might have.. I was strong and wrote and coped.. with many tears that seemed to keep coming I did feel the old me for once and not the numb me inside this shell I have become. I want to tell you all that I love my kids so much! I would never harm then or raise them in a filthy mess, I have cook outs and friends when they can make it see that I am or never have been messy maybe cluttery once in a while. To hear that I was someone I had fought so hard and long not to be.. that crushed me! It hurt me worst than anything. I have been through alot in my life and had to fight so hard too. Yesterday I couldn't find that angry that fight till it was to late.
I have talked with my husband and becuase my kids and my family and myself have been disrespected I shall never attend another family gathering where she will be present! I refuse. To be talked to like that, to be told I am that ... I never have disrespected her, when she was sick I cleaned her house, I cooked for her husband and her, I have done so much only to get her angry thrown towards me.. as if she was angry before she came up here.
My wedding... I did by myself she wouldn't help will the very last and she yelled at me then to for setting place cards not making it to the reception all. I mean this woman drove me to a place I hadn't been since I was an angry teenager..
Ok. . enough venting.. I will say this the hornets are still here and there .. we are fighting to get them all gone. I was so exchusted last night I passed out at 9pm. After my 4 yr old was stung.. grrrr God keeps putting me through trials I think and I am really wearing thin. Today I am ok.. just still upset it will take me a while to get over this .. It was HUGE to me.. this impact cut like a knife.
I am not going to edit this so I hope it is well enough written to understand.. Thanks for your love and support as always .. and I am going to make it .. this was a low blow but what doesn't kill us.. WILL MAKE US STRONGER
Much love...
And we will all make it back to US some day dispite the ongoings in our lives..
Hugs Dannille
Comments:
It's likely that you would have had an attack under the circumstances even if you had taken your medication. But I will give you the advice to take your meds regularly, even if you aren't having symptoms, because keeping a therapeutic dosage going is going to help re-train your brain.
Dannille,
I wish so much I could give you a HUGE BIG HUG.....BUT, just wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze & consider it a hug from me!
I am so sorry that you had to go through that yesterday! Your MIL had no right to treat you that way & your husband...well he should have stepped in & stood up for you! WHERE IS HIS BACKBONE & RESPECT FOR YOU?? I would be having a serious talk with him, but I do know how hard that will be for you too & I understand that! He just should have known, SHAME ON HIM! If I was closer I would give him a piece of my mind for you!!!
Hang in there my friend, you can only take one day at a time, that is all any of us can do! One thing I am going to suggest if you have not already, is to talk to your daughter & make sure that she knows that she did not do anything wrong & that she is a good girl. Let her know that you are sorry for yesterday & that you are working on getting yourself better & you will try very hard to never let that happen again!
On the hornets & bees, sounds like you are not going to get any help from your MIL so go back to the co-op & see if they have any ideas. You might even be able to ask a local pest control company what they would recommend.
Hang in there....START TAKING THAT HALF PILL EVERYDAY WITHOUT FAIL!!!! You never know what is going to come up in the day so you just need to stay ontop of your meds, TRUST ME, it is the best thing to do!!
Love Ya my friend!
THank you all .. and I know I am so lazy about this med. Excuses I know .. I didn't take it though I was already tired from lack of sleep the night before and I knew that my husband had to help out at the football game so I had to be alert.
As for the bees yesterday I called bee keepers and I called the exterminators. I had one that was going to come tommrow.
When I told my mother in law this she went through the roof. THis was before she got here. She was mad and said .. WE WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS.. going on about how it will cost 100's of dollars if I was to have someone come. Well none the less if they don't go soon I am not going to endanger my kids..
Right now they are being sprayed and I am killing them every second to make sure the kids are safe.. I didn't even wanna go to bed last night I was afraid they might hurt the kids. SO anyway .. today is a new day and I hope and PRAY GOD helps us get rid of this problem.. the MIL problem too ..
Hugs and thanks all .. Love ya all too!
SO anyway .. today is a new day and I hope and PRAY GOD helps us get rid of this problem.. the MIL problem too ..
YES!! and...LOL!! Make it a good one!
Ugh. It sounds perfectly wretched to live near her. To have her as your landlord must be a N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E. Sounds like she thinks you're making up your daughter's autism, too, since she can't SEE it. Wish she could get slapped in the face with reality. Hang in there. You did great, and you WERE there for your daughter. That's what matters.
Already a member? Click here to log in
I'm so sorry. I know you think yesterday was a big mess...I happen to think it was an "instructional day" ;-)...one of great learning for you and one that allowed you to see some of what is "wrong"...obviously this "woman" has been a real thorn in your side...and I see why, she is abrasive, rude and condescending. You do NOT need that, ever. Your DH should have done something...at the very least he should have told her to stop. I'm sorry...you don't deserve to be treated like this -- I'm proud of you for not killing the old bat. Seriously, you did GREAT!
Please take your meds...find a time when you can take them in the AM and do so...however, I do NOT think yesterday's fiasco would have been different -- she is who she is, you know? Maybe you would have not gotten so upset...but, she is a challenge!
The hornets are living in the walls or fireplace...we have had them in both places and the only way to get rid of them is to have someone spray IN the walls...we had to get a "beekeeper" to come out. You can't live there with them in the house it's dangerous for your LO.
I hope YOUR Mom is doing okay and is home now. Saying a prayer for her!
Hang in there...I think you did GREAT! Take the meds (as prescribed) and consider what would happen (how you'd feel) if you did live alone again with your children. Would it be better, would you have less stress? OR....maybe you, DH and family just need to live AWAY from HIS family??
- Lb128f
Message Friend Invite