My peace.

[jsikapv]

 Hindsight is always 20/20.

Looking back, I could have told you that I didn't want to get married, but I was too concerned with creating that "perfect fairy tale" - even if it had to be forced. I was in love with the idea of being married... of saying "my husband".. the thought of having someone who would love, honor and cherish me. Someone who would take care of me, in sickness and in health...till death do us part.

There were times where I wished that during my sickness stages, I would just die. That would have been much easier than telling him that I didn't love him. It would have been easier than having to look him in the eyes after almost 7 years and telling him,  "I want a divorce".

I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to walk away from a family that loved me much more than my own had. I had no choice. I couldn't stand to look at him. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was so unhappy I quit taking care of myself. Not because I was "comfortable" in my marriage, but because I knew how important looks were to him. I gained weight.. once went 2 months without shaving my legs. Quit getting my hair done, or painting my toenails. All in an attempt that he would leave me  so that I didn't have to be the one doing the damage.

During this growing, constant disdain that I was feeling toward him I remained faithful. I wasn't about to stoop down to his level and cheat.. especially since he had. I thought about it. A lot. I could justify it I'm sure. After all, he slept with his ex girlfriend 3 years into our marriage, while I was in the hospital, desperately trying to not die during a pregnancy from hell, just so that he could have a son. A son who would be responsible to carry on the family name- as he would be the last chance to keep the peavey blood going on into the next generation.  When it happened, it was all a blur- I was medevac'd the next day, and didn't know that in a week I would have much more important things to worry about than trying to figure out what "really" happened the night he didn't come to the hospital. That much more important thing will be 4 on Thursday. He is a miracle to say the least.

After 73 days in the NICU in another state, watching your little precious baby fight daily to breathe, eat, function- survive.. it starts to weigh on you. I got to the point where I couldn't function any longer. When I did leave the hospital, I wouldn't make it more than 3 ft into my apartment without collapsing on the floor into a sobbing ball of defeated mass. I would eventually force myself into a sleep courtesy of my friend named Ativan.  In 6hrs I would wake up, and go back to the hospital and do it all over again. I dropped down to 100lbs. I was broken, and I couldn't do it alone any longer. I had to call him and ask him for help. I needed someone to hold me up, as I could no loner stand on my own two feet.  I let him move back in with me and we began to work on our marriage.

It lasted 3 more months before I couldn't fake it anymore. It was like revelation after revelation of all these things that he was doing, and I grew ever more resentfull of his mere exsistance. He was doing drugs, lieing to me about it, having our friends lie for him. To this day, I still run into people who apologize, and tell me that they should have just told me the truth- because in the end, he ruined most of his friends lives by getting them into Oxycontin. 

The first time I filed for divorce was in 2006. I moved out after I found paraphernalia in the garage. He lied, no surprise there, and blamed it on his friend who was living with us. I couldn't afford the house on my non existent paycheck- I didn't even have a job. I was taking care of the kids, one who was on oxygen and a feeding tube. So I took the kids and moved out leaving him and his friend to ruin their own lives.

I couldn't raise two kids on my own. Even on welfare, my son's needs were too much for any daycare provider to handle. I had to go back, and I had to make it look like I had been the one in the wrong and apologize for leaving.

I carried on for another 2 years before I couldn't take it anymore. My health was declining, and I needed to have heart surgery. The last thing I though before I was medicated enough to not understand my thoughts was almost a desperate, pleading prayer- "God please, if I make it through this I will leave. I will be strong enough for my kids, and for myself and I will leave. It might not be right away, but I will do it, and when I do- I won't turn back".

When I woke up, he wasn't even there. He showed up later, but I didn't care. I was now planning my escape- again.

Another year and a half went by where I was on auto pilot. I stopped fighting back, and was just complacent.

In April of this year, I stooped to his level. Over the prior months I had let my thoughts wonder about another man. Someone I saw daily. Someone who, the first thing I noticed about him was that when he talked to me, he looked at me. Not my body...not around the office, but he actually would look at me in the eyes and hold a conversation with me. 

I was out with friends, and I saw him. I kissed him, and he kissed me back. Everything else disappeared around us, and he just took my face into his hands and gave me the sweetest kiss. I let out all the weight I had been carrying on my shoulders in one single breath.

I had every opportunity to go home with this man. To let him fulfill my fantasies that I had planted into my head months ago. To let it all just happen-

But I didn't. I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't do that. I had to go home, to my husband.  I wanted to cry, which I think I did during my 20 minute cab ride home.

When I woke up the next morning, I told my husband I had kissed someone. That I had feelings for this someone, and that I couldn't pretend that I was happy anymore. I was leaving, and this time- I wasn't coming back.

That was 6 months ago now, and I haven't turned back.

It's been hard. It's been a constant struggle, but I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I've calmed down, I'm not so high strung, and I finally feel like I have found my peace.

Yeah, Hindsight is always 20/20.

[diandradawn]

Oct. 5, 2009 at 10:18 PM

I am *so* proud of you.

[jsikapv]

Oct. 6, 2009 at 2:10 PM

Thank You.  :o)

(Original Poster)