Don't Judge

[fwkitten2008]

I actually wrote this last Friday. I have debated on posting due to what people would think of me. This is how I was feeling Friday. I am feeling a bit better now but the thoughts linger. This is not to be taken personal by anyone but I really do hate my life most days.

Seriously, remind me why I am fucking alive. My meds run out in like 10 days (they are not working anyway and havent since my dad died), I cant go to a doc  due to no money, I am out of refills, my primary doc is such an ass I am scared to even go to him anyway. We paid rent and officially have $9.99 to our name and thats to get milk and bread. I am trying to sell stuff on Craigslist and its not going real well. I HATE BEING IN PAIN!!!! I hate that its getting cold and my knees are locking up to where I can barely get out of a chair, my back is killing me and my migrianes are coming back. They slowed down for a bit but are coming back. I can't get disability but i really can't work. This sucks. I swear if I knew that dickface (who is STILL not paying up) would not get my damn kids I would off myself. Really whats the point anymore. I am worthless. I am sick of him getting out of paying child support. He owes me over $5K that I will probably never see. He skips court dates and they do NOTHING to him. He lies every time he goes then he skips the next date so he doesnt have to face his lies. I cut him off from my kids finally. I can only take so much of them crying b/c he didnt come get them. He doesnt even tell them nor does he apologize. Its bullshit. Noone in my real life knows how i feel b/c I do not want to complicate whats going on with them. I hate feeling second best. My kids deserve better than me. I am a fuck up to say the least. If none of this makes sense its b/c I am kinda in a manic state.

[LYNDELOU]

Oct. 5, 2009 at 4:37 PM

Oh Sweetie I am so sorry that your going through all of this crap....It's not fair....And SOMEDAY that sperm donor WILL get caught up in his lies....Trust me....He will hang himself sometime soon...

You are here because I LOVE YOU and so do many many others , and yes your right your children need you....

You keep posting how you feel if you want.....Judgemental people are everywhere....And Karma is a BITCH....

Let them stand in YOUR shoes ONE day....They would fold...

I love you girl.....Hang in there! :-)

Love~Light~Laughter~Hugs~Support~ X♥X♥

[PyraLynne]

Oct. 5, 2009 at 7:46 PM

Im not judging...I deal with a rare skin disease that keeps me in constant pain and can semi relate to your situation, including the ignorant piece of shit ex/bio dad.

Life is a challenge and if there was no challenge then we'd be bored to tears and probably want to die then too. Stay strong woman, you have others rooting for you and here to support you, count me as one of them. Continue to vent like Lyndelou said - I'll listen and I promise not to judge, I only promise to be understanding.

[Erica_Smerica]

Oct. 5, 2009 at 10:17 PM

Oh hun! HUGS to you! I hope things get better soon :)

[mzbarker2]

Oct. 6, 2009 at 7:32 AM

Hey you!  Stop being so hard on yourself!  I could have written that myself several times.  Long story, sometime maybe Ill tell it to ya.  Anyway, Just know I understand.  Sometimes life sucks.  But your kids need you, even more since their dad is an idiot!  And they need u healthy.  Have u tried to get help with your meds?  Im sure that u could.

Listen, I went throufg several of those periods, esp. when my mom died.  I had to practice finding somthing good.  I went to bed each night and thought of 3 things I was thankful for that day.  Sometimes it is hard, but it does make u feel better, u really are worth it. 

Hang in there!!!!! Stop being so down on yourself, and tell ur kids how much u love them by getting better!  U know that this negative thought is really not good for you!!!!

ttfn