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Breaking free of the box.
- Oct 5, 2009 at 11:38 PM
- By
- Comments (28) Total Views (649) Everyone can see this journal post.
As in the box that others, including US, stuff ourselves into as parents. A simple statement but a hard thing to accomplish.
I'm reading a book right now about children with special needs. I think I've been saying that exact statement for about two years, well ever since I found out that my son had autism at least. But this book in particular is really interesting to me. In addition to discussing the stereotyping of individuals with special needs by the media, this book discusses the stereotyping of parents of special needs indvidiuals by the media as well. It was something that oddly enough I had never really even thought of, but let's face it....that big giant box in our living rooms has a lot of pull in today's society. Not to mention all of its partners in crime (movies, music,etc).
A point that really hit me was the fact that the parents of children with special needs have so often been painted by the media as being super parents; more patient than the average parent, all knowing, basically your modern day version of a saint. Martyrs if you will, although this really makes no sense once you break it down, as martyrs choose to suffer because they want to. As much as we love our children and couldn't imagine our lives without them, I doubt that there are many individuals who chose to have a special needs child. And none of the rest of the things above are true either. Maybe on a good day, maybe some of it. But usually it's just not. Speaking for myself at least, I am just a parent. Nothing better and nothing worse. I make mistakes, sometimes I get lazy and cranky and even impatient. But I noticed that if I do find myself having a less than good day with my son, I beat myself up over that day extra hard. And I've realized that this media perception of how I should be has permeated even MY image of how I believe I should parent.
Guilt can definitely serve a purpose. Feeling guilty for snapping at my son when I should have been a little more patient will help me to do better next time, and ditto for feeling a little guilty when I tell him to go sit down on the floor and play with his puzzles after I've read him a book for the 25th time and I just don't feel like reading it anymore. But I'm learning that I don't need to feel like scum for doing those things. I'm only human. I (and other parents of special needs children, well and of ALL children) deserve to have those rare occasions where we get crazy, lazy, cranky, impatient, or whatever emotion you want to put in there without feeling like the worst parents on the face of the earth.
I think as much as I want my child to be accepted for who he is and not thought of as "weird" or "different"; maybe I want the same thing for myself. I am just a parent who has craptastic days like everyone else. I'm not Mother Theresa and highly doubt that I ever will be. Sometimes the fact that everyone is alive at the end of the night is really the best I could do for that particular day. So I hope that others, especially ME, can learn to stop holding myself to different and unattainable standards. That same point stands for all parents I think, special needs children or not.
Tags: thinking out loud, hey spellcheck didn't find any errors for once, i feel smart when that happens. i am so smart-smrt.
Comments:
Good journal. :)
love your tags too. ;)
Hehe thanks. And I'm glad that you commented Kara because I'm sure you know how I feel, you have a little one who has been having some special medical needs. I know what I'm feeling doesn't just extend to parents of children with developmental disabilities or even with disabilities at all; any need can be special, be it large or small. "Why can't I figure out what's wrong and fix it? I must just suck.." is something I have felt a lot and I know anyone struggling with a little one with medical issues probably feels the same way too at least sometimes.
spellcheck recognizes craptastic?? lol
great journal.. thanks for the food for thought..
Actually no it told me that craptastic was wrong..but I knew it was spelled right so I ignored them. ;)
My pet peeve is being told how great of a mom I am by being proactive with Ike's care. Duuur! That is what you are supposed to do as a parent, you DA!!!!! That is the same as telling an unarried dad how great is is for taking care of his kids. Again, that is what you are supposed to do. Lets give everyone a cookie who didn't comit a felony today. Woo-hoo! LOL!
Great post. :)
thank you for sharing this hun, i voted popular. and as far as feeling lazy, cranky and impatient at times, i can definitely identify with you there!
This is great, Katie. You've had a very important insight.
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Reading over this I feel the need to clarify...I hope this makes some semblance of sense. For me learning to let go of these unattainable standards would be the difference between thinking "I was lazy with my kiddo today...I should do better tomorrow" and then letting it go and doing just that, or thinking "I was lazy with my kiddo today...I am an awful parent. I probably set him back on *insert skill here*. Why didn't I do better?" and dwelling on it for the rest of the night. I'm hoping to move more towards the first option.
- aurorabunny
(Original Poster)