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My life in a nut shell!
- Oct 6, 2009 at 8:07 AM
- By
- Comments (7) Total Views (134) Everyone can see this journal post.
I'm the second oldest of 6 kids, my parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My mother remarried when I was 20 and already a parent myself. My step dad has 4 grown kids himself, important for later.
I am gay, I tried, really tried to be like everyone else. I've been married twice. One was the father of my girls, ( now 32 and 28) the other just a good friend. Neither lasted very long, still friends with the second one. I have LOVED 3 women. The first one swept me off my feet, still talk to her from time to time on the Internet but our relationship ended because nobody will come between my kids and I. The second, well she got cancer, she died 9 years ago April 2000, we were together for 15 years. I had known her since the 4Th grade. I am with someone now but lately it's been way to hard to call it a relationship. Terry, the second girlfriend, introduced me to her, we got together after Terry died. I still miss Terry and feel her in my life. In case your wondering at this point I am am 51 years old.
I retired early from my dream job and went to work in a bar also a dream job. In the last 10 years my employer has dealt with my oldest getting married, my GF dieing, My youngest getting into legal problems, my aging parents and my current nuttie GF and least I not forget my niece getting pregnant, her father, my brother having 3 heart attacks. All Of these episodes called me into action, My employer does a better job of being supportive than does my GF. Now to my great pleasure my oldest is pregnant, due in April.
Here's the problem, last oct 2008 my mom had back surgery. I lived with and took care of my step dad for 10 weeks while my mom recovered. During that 10 weeks my GF, never once came to my moms house.(neither did any of his children) I think really I've never gotten over the fact that I have helped her mother on numerous occasions with nothing in return and I just wanted my GF to care. I continued to pay the bills at our home all the while she was there just going to school a few hours aday. Now a year later and I have the opportunity to move into my moms house and eventually own it, mom wants to move into and assisted living, my step dad is in a nursing home and not doing well. I have Power Of Attorney over my mom and she has Guardianship over her husband. I'm not sure I want my GF to move with me, hell on a day to day basis I'm not sure I want to stay with her. We live in a 2 bedroom mobile home, my mothers is a 3Br 2bath brick house on 2 acres, 20 miles outside of town but, my daughter and SIL only live 3 miles from there. I feel bad for even thinking about leaving Rhonda to stay in her home but most of the time I think it's for the better. here is why...
My great nephew is the current love of my life. He is two (2-07) and stayed with us almost entirely his first year of life. His parents have matured and had a second child over the last 2 years. Now he only gets to come over on the weekends but on Sunday afternoon his brother comes over also. He is 4 months old (6-09) and a very needy baby but I love him too. My Daughter is due in April and you know I will be sitting with my grandchild for sure. Every weekend when there are 2 here my GF just can't handle it, she breaks out in hives, then goes to bed, she says it's nerves. The problem if I'm not here, my nephew won't be either. That would break her heart not to get to see him on the weekends but I think she is to selfish to get out of bed and come to my moms house to see him on weekends, I doubt I will be bring him to her.
Second problem, I have always paid all the bills, until recently. For at least 6 years I have paid all the bills, then I found out that while I was working she was using her credit cards to gamble so I quit paying them, Shortly after I moved into her house she got hurt at work and has never really worked since. I figure I have to live some where so I pay the lot rent, elect, phone etc. I even paid all of that while I was at my moms last year that's when I found out she was gambling, if I move to my moms house I will not be able to pay both.
So here I am, about to be a Grand mom, with the problems of a 30 year old. I'm pretty sure I know what I am going to do but just needed to see it in writing. We'll see what the next 6 months has in store, I hope to have my life settled by Easter. Maybe then I can start living!
Comments:
I think I know what you are going to do, too. Hell, I'd do it, if I were you. You've had enough, it's time for YOU!!!!!
It sounds like you already know what a real loving relationship is (with your 2nd GF), and this one is falling really short. Could it be possible that you're hanging on to #3 because #2 introduced you? It could be a way of remembering/loving #2.
I'd tell Rhonda that you're going to be moving out, so she needs to figure out how she's going to pay for things. It will be hard because she'll probably be upset, but stick to your guns. You deserve to have a real relationship with someone who tries to make you happy, too.
I totally agree with everyone else...you are such a giver and you need to take time for you now that you can. What an opportunity to move into your mom's. You will have the space you need not only for you, but for that new grand baby and your nephews when they come to visit :-)
At 51, you have lived quite a life! Why stop now? It seems this g/f is simply holding you back... satisfied to stay in her rut. Get the hell out and go live your life! It may just be "the" thing that opens her eyes and forces her to take responsibility for her own life.
p.s. If it was me, I would have left a long time ago.
At this time in your life you deserve to enjoy the children in your life and relax! Doesn't look like you are doing much of that at your present residence! Change is definately a good thing in your case, in any event if all else fails trust your instinct! As a woman and a lesbian it's never let me down! Good luck to ya! 
Like the others have mentioned...it sounds to me like you know in your heart of hearts, what you need to do. You don't sound content with what you have now----you still have a whole life ahead of you. Eventually, you'll find the happiness you once had. Best wishes.
Congrats on your soon to be Grandchild.
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Sometimes in life you have difficult decisions to make for the better of yourself. Do what feels right for your own heart first. Deep down from reading this journal you already answered your questions. Good luck and enjoy the children!
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