How i became a mother

[SquishyMommyof2]

My journey into motherhood started before I was ever ready to be a mom. When I was 17 years old I found myself pregnant...alone and with no support from family or anyone. I moved across the country to live with my friend and her family...the only people who would take me in. As the months went by, the only thing I could think about was how I wanted my son to have a better life than I could give him. I made the hardest decision of my life in Oct 2000...I decided to give my son the life he should have with a wonderful family who couldn’t have children; we signed an adoption plan for him in Nov 2000. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and even now almost 9 years later it continues to be the hardest decision of my life. Feb 14th, Valentines Day, I went into active labor; we rushed to the hospital only to find that I was only dilated to 3 cms and had awhile to go...or so they thought. 5 hours after I was admitted and pushing. Ten minutes after I started pushing, he was born. I couldn’t look at him, I didn’t want to hold him, and I didn’t want him in the room with me. My life had changed in that instant, and I didn’t even know it. It took me two days to find the strength and courage to see my son...to hold him, to look into his eyes, and to tell him that no matter what...I would ALWAYS love him. Sitting there in that rocking chair in the nursery was a defining moment in my life. As much as I wanted to take him home and be HIS mom, I knew that I was just not emotionally able or ready to be someone's mother at that time. Feb 17th, was the day that I laid him into his mothers arms...the day that I walked away from the hospital empty handed, empty hearted and without my son. It was also the day that his mom's birth story begins and her love for the child that she never thought she would have. My heart aches everyday for the boy that I won’t get to see grow up, for the big brother that my other 3 children wont get to grow up with, but through all that and through my pain and longing to be his mom, I know that one day...I will be able to look into his eyes and tell him again... that no matter what I have always and will always love him. On Feb 14th 2001, I become a mother....and on Feb 17th 2001, I helped someone else become a mother too.

[myrtlebeach]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 10:58 AM

Way to go Momma I am sure that was the hardest thing you ever had to do but also the must amazing thing you did at the same time.

[sugaredempathy]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 11:28 AM

That brought tears to my eyes.

[caramia27]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 12:35 PM

Damn you have me bawling over here.  I can't even imagine how hard and painful this was for you, but always remember that you did an amazing thing.  You put your child first, you gave him the best you could give him at that time.. You also made someone a mother, and I know you know as a mom yourself,  what an AWESOME gift that is to give.   

[MSugarKane]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 12:52 PM

You are one very strong woman with a definte clear conscience .   The world needs more woman like you that know what they can handle and can not.   I admire you.

[onegirloneboy]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 2:51 PM

Amazing thing you did!! A great story also.

[mtnmama111]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 4:54 PM

Someone I love has given a child up for adoption ..

I know how difficult it is- beautiful/sad story...

[onethentwins]

Oct. 7, 2009 at 8:18 PM

I gave my son up in 1988 and reunited with him in 2006. From one birth mother to another, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[logansmomma2007]

Oct. 8, 2009 at 4:10 PM

This journal was very moving.  You did a wonderful thing :-)

[4time-mom]

Oct. 8, 2009 at 4:12 PM

Hugs from a fellow birthmom. My daughter will be 10 in December. Thank you for sharing your story - I know it's not easy!

[liruha]

Oct. 8, 2009 at 6:18 PM

I cant even imagine how much that hurt, but you are amazing for having done what was best for him.