OMG I feel soooo guilty :( (Kind of a rant/vent)

[Mrs.BAT]

My poor baby girl. I feel like I've abandoned her or something! I'm no longer a SAHM, and haven't been since May 22nd. She was almost 6 months old, then. Since then, her dad has been a SAHD and I hardly see her! She's up before me because I work different shifts, then she's in bed usually before I get home. I try spending time with her on my days off, but I usually just want to sleep or chill for a while, so I don't spend every waking second with her like I should. Tomorrow she'll be 1. I can't believe it's been a year since I was timing contractions and strapped to a goddamned hospital bed with every monitor imaginable on me, waiting for her appearance. After 70 hours or so of labor, she finally did make her first appearance at 5:35PM on October teh 8th.

Anyway, now I'm sick. I have a sinus infection and I'm trying to stay away from her as much as I can to keep her from getting sick. I know she has to get sick at some point, but I don't want to be the CAUSE of it. So when I walk through the house to go to the bathroom or something she smiles and yells at me and waves and says "hi" and I feel SOOO guilty. I should be holding her and playing with her and taking her out to pick out some cupcakes for her birthday tomorrow (giving her a cupcake on her birthday and a mini-cake at her party) and getting some disposable cameras and stuff, but I'm stuck home, useless. I'm not out there busting my ass trying to make ends meet for us, because I work at Taco Bell and can't go back until Friday (went to the doctor yesterday, $95 for the visit and my generic prescription). I have to have like 3 days of antibiotics in my system before I can go back. Thankfully I only missed one full day of work. I was sent home early on Monday, though, so I only got 2 hours that day. OMG I hope that my husband gets a job soon so that I can go to part time and be home with her most of the time. I'd love to only work the weekends while my mom has her (that'd be about 20 hours a week for me), or one or two days through the week plus a weekend day. I feel so guilty not having time to be with her, but when I go to work at 4 PM and get home around midnight, then have to get up the next morning and work and then end up staying for two shifts because someone called in and they can't find anyone else to cover the shift, I end up exhausted. I know that there are moms out there doing way harder things than me and making it work, but I don't know what else to do. I have terrible insomnia and my bipolar issues are bothering me again, but I can't afford a shrink and a prescription for an anti-deppresant anymore. I feel like such a terrible mom. I couldn't even continue breastfeeding her because of my damn Mirena. I won't go into that here, I have plenty of journals about it already. Right now, all I feel like doing is going back to bed, but I want to spend time with my baby. Tomorrow is her first birthday for crying out loud! I shouldn't be sick! I should be celebrating! Now she has a WIC check that expires tonight, so I'm going to have to shower and drag myself out to the grocery store before midnight, and I just don't feel like it. I haven't felt like it for several days. I don't know why this sinus infection is hitting me so hard this year. I usually get 1-2 a year, but I usually don't feel THIS crappy. Maybe it's the stress of work, missing work, money being really tight and having a baby, but I have NO energy at all.

I hate complaining, especially online to strangers, but this is about to kill me. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone who's read this far, please keep your fingers crossed that my husband gets this great job that he's hoping to get. It's 40 hours a week, $12 an hour, and we could SO use it right now.