Journey back to me .. day 16 I believe.. I lost track!

[Dannille33]

I can see this Journal is about like mine so many spaces between the days that I have either not felt like writing, or just have forgotten.

Well, I admit it's not that I have forgotten to write, its more the fact that I haven't wanted to. I have had one heck of a emotional roller coster ride and I didn't like it. Reality smacked me in the face and it really hurt.

All I can say is that in the past 4 days, I have learned that you have to evaluate your life. You have to really ask your self why alot. A friend told me that and for her I am thankful. You have to be blunt with out trying to really hurt someone in the process so you can be happy too.

You are probably thinking .. umm ok so what is this MOM trying to say. Well, here it goes..

A few days ago I woke up feeling like the worlds tallest sky scraper had just fallen on me. I got out of bed and took my meds as told to do. My face numb from allergies that just wont go away. I decided go and play on the net for awhile, then a while turned in to hours, and hours, then I found myself not dressed, and it was bed time. Same thing the next day. And the next day.

I realized I was depressed! I missed my mother more than I knew, and her health doesn't help much. I felt like perhaps I was the woman the mother in which my mother in law had described in my last journal entry. I found my self falling in to a deep hole and no rope was tied to me nothing but a deep, dark hole full of nothing but DEPRESSION! I don't know why or how I ended up that way those last few days but I had. Oh yes ... I had been fully medicated by the way. (had to add that)

So today I figure .. I am gonna get up and do something, needless to say I didn't my face still numb, and that really upsets me. I start doing what I have done the last few days. Then I start talking with a friend this morning here on cafe mom. She starts asking me things , and picking at me. Then I start thinking about what she said .. about my marriage, and my self, and ect. She had to go and my husband woke up. I went to him asking him things that had eaten at me so badly the last few days like, how unhappy I was living in this town after 3 yrs, how I moved because he wanted me to not because I wanted to, how I can't find friends in this town cause their are all to goodie goodie even though everyone needs one crazy friend. Right? 

Anyway I asked him about this and I also told him that I felt he really needed to be informed. Told by the right people my doc, and soon to be therapist about what I am going through.this why he can help me, and understand how to help me. I am sure it's not easy marrying someone and then watching them becoming a stranger after 5 months. I am sure he is just as stunned as I am. I also asked him to talk with his mother. If he loved us as a family like he says he does then he needed to talk to her about the other day. He needed to stand up to her and let her know that she cannot be disrespectful to us like that. We wont have it .. next time we will just kick her out and pack out bags and move OUT!

Ya know after all we talked about it was like he got it a bit. He asked if I wanted him to stay home tomorrow night (he has to work at a football game) and I told him well maybe you neverk now how your gonna feel from one day to the next. I have had some good days. So we are playing that by ear.

I wish I had all the answers to this disorder, frankly I wish I didn't have it. I have read over the last few journals and I see progress heck I feel it. My doctor said Monday when I went to see her that she could see it in my eyes. I was happy to hear that though I feel more tired than happy right now. I am worried though, she said my blood pressure was high. Thats never been me the one with high blood pressure. So I have to watch it and control what eats at me..

Well, I suppose I am about beat ... I just wanted to write something .. Thanks for your support ongoing or not.. thanks for friendships and everything ..

Hugs

Dannille

[Lb128f]

Oct. 10, 2009 at 12:00 AM

I'm sorry you have had a rough few days. I hope the Doc can help with some meds for the sinus issue so you can "feel your face" again! As a side note...my son deals with sinus issues and uses Zyrtec and it works really well for him. ;-)

I hope your Mom will be okay...I will be saying a prayer. Maybe you should go and visit with her for a few days?

I'm glad you talked with your DH. That's great...I hope he will try and help. Good Luck...I know your appointment is coming up this week, right? I hope it goes well!!

Anyway...I'm glad you wrote a journal. I've been wondering about you and what's been happening. I thought about something I wanted to tell you...a friend who has dealt with pretty much the same as what you've been dealing with was told by her Doc that she should wake, take her meds and get into the shower...get dressed, grab something to eat and get out of the house...go for a walk, go to the Park, a Playground with her DD, the Mall or anywhere that will allow her to get out and NOT be just hanging around the house.

I know and I know -- you know that's NOT possible every day....(getting out I mean)...but, when it is try, huh? Maybe that will help you some? And, plan for the cold weather that IS coming...there will be days that you won't be able to get out...you know that already so have some ideas/things ready to go for those times.

I think you are doing great...yes, maybe you've had a set-back for a few days...but, you are still writing, you've talked with your DH, your Doc app't. is coming and you have plans! ;-) Don't be too hard on yourself!

[maidn]

Oct. 10, 2009 at 5:25 PM

Glad to see you writing again.. it is hard when you aren't feeling well . Hence my recent absence from Cafe Mom . Hang in there hon some day are good some not so . We are with you 

[kristine2012]

Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:53 PM

(((HUGS))) I am so glad to see you writing again! I love your journal and look forward to it! You are always in my prayers and my thoughts! I hope you had a wonderful day today :)

[Jesterqueen]

Oct. 11, 2009 at 12:05 AM

The journey is a long one, and the doc should evaluate the meds to be sure they can't cause the depression, high blood pressure, or facial numbness. (Or at least that the allergies haven't gone into a sinus infection!) But you do sound like you're really taking hold of your life and the things that eat you. Be strong. We're thinking of you!