long and rambling...fake friends!!!

[stacyemmy]

Well the other day I found out that about a year and a half ago my best friend and now ex fiance were talking. They were eachothers firsts..but still that was 8th grade...She accidentally let it slip to me, and instead of getting pissed at her then and making her tell me the details cuz I still needed her help catching my fiance..I ignored it. Well today he and I spent the evening talking..we went for pizza with dd and talked..I had him explain and I know he was honest because he didnt just blame her like I expected. I am so hurt by both of them. I mean it was just texting but apparently she tried to get him to go on a date and he was like no I'm with stacy and I will definately get caught, which trust me he is not that stupid because they'd would've had to go out somewhere in another state because people around here would've have told instantly ya know..small town and people love drama..

I mean ugh it just makes me sick..but now I know why she is always so negative about things and never wants me to take him back..but I mean seriously she was supposed to be my best friend..and no we werent that good of friends when I started dating him..she was just one of the only friends I had after being pregnant at 16 and her and I got close. Now I know why. And then theres him..I expect this behavior from him, hell I knew he still had feelings for her he had told me that they never got any closure and that part of him still loved her..but I assumed that was normal I know a part of me will always love him..but he said they stopped talking because he found out too much about her and she wasn't that girl from 8th grade anymore..and I was like well duh! UGH..she texted me while him and I were talking about this and I just ignored it because I don't want to hear her side because I know she won't be near as honest..it will be all him in her story, cuz he said he did go up to work to eat alot while they were texting (she works at mcdonalds)..he even said at this party he went too (I knew of the party and that she was there and so I didnt worry) she was all over him and he was like letting her but he was trying to keep it just flirting (cuz again people will talk) and I had heard that she was drunk and allover him, but everyone thought he was helping her drunkass out cuz he wasnt drunk.

I just want to call her and go off. But I'm just gonna end contact with her. I mean I am not even mad at him about this really I mean yeah I am upset but he had kinda halfass told on himself before but he said he was giving her relationship advice. But I suspected he might have had other intentions I just never thought she would go with it.

Then he wants to get back together, after being busted last night trying to meet another girl, ugh which I totally believe him he suspected it was me..because he said he was 90% sure it was me but he did have some doubt.  Plus ever before we met he mentioned he thought it was me..when he was telling me he denied this fake girl and shit. Plus he wore his wedding band (he bought us wedding bands to wear even though we're not married) I mean why would he wear his wedding band to meet another girl? But I am not ready to try again..I want to wait a while I want us both to just be unattached..so we can breath and relax...then try again..but I don't want him to get someone else in the meantime because that just makes things all bad. Which I don't think he will but then again he is the type of guy who needs a girlfriend.

But I need to calm down from everything and I need to be able to trust him, I hate being so damn paranoid..but its like if I let my gaurd down I'll get hurt. But I kinda feel like it'd be less stressful to get hurt then to be constantly looking, searching, snooping, and accusing! I just need someone to tell me what I should do.. I need someone I can tell 5 1/2 years worth of drama too and ask them wth I should do. Because for once my heart and head agree I just need time off and then go back later...but is that the best choice? Is he really gonna be faithful..something inside me is screaming he is and that he only talked to my fake girl cuz he suspected me but then that little voice says girl you know better.

But I honestly don't see him throwing away 2 years of progress and change that he made on his own without me demanding anything..I mean I just don't and thats whats made me wonder this whole time why would he cheat now? Why would he work so hard to just be like piss on that??? Why would his eyes tell me hes sincere when he tells me hes sorry for our past and he just wants us to get married and be a family..and why last night did he look so damn hurt that I didn't trust him that much???

I just need a magic eight ball to tell me what to do..or someone who is willing to listen to 5 years of shit!

IDK I enjoyed talking to him today because we talked about everything and it was great..I only cried when we talked about my dad molesting me cuz I finally told him how much it hurts when he says he didn't take my virginity because I am scared my dad raped me cuz  I don't remember anything about it..and he promised he wouldn't say it again because he never thought about it that way and that even if my dad raped me I was still a virgin. He apologized for denying the baby and for the mean things he said about me to my fake girl and then he told me how lucky he is he found the only non scandalous bitch in our town and that his friends think even though I'm psycho I'm the best girl around...I don't cheat, I don't lie, and  I try not to play games. Which made me feel good that atleast other guys think I'm pretty sweet lol..idk I'm done rambling I'm going to bed..if u suffered through this tthanks I know its pretty all over and has awful grammar and typos and pm if ur willing to hear and sort through 5 years of crap and tell me what  I should do..which most will hear things and say run away..but maybe if someone hears everything they wont say that...cuz Ive been through it all with him. hes been sooo many people. its amazing!

[Gremlyn]

Oct. 12, 2009 at 5:59 AM

I don't see a button to message you with so I thought I'd leave a comment... go ahead and pm me, I've got plenty of time to read and think today. :D

[momma2zac2006]

Oct. 13, 2009 at 12:24 AM

I'm here for you if you need someone hun. I will try to help the best I can if you need someone