bored.. don't have to read lol just a keeper because I'm deleting my messages on myspace

[kittenripmaygo]

me:

You don't know the meaning of love. .you don't even know what it is..
if you did.. we wouldn't be here right now.


1] if you loved me.. you would've waited no matter how bad you wanted sex
2] if you loved me, you would've shown it everytime we see each other.. but YOUR ass wanted to be away from me. always wanting to go outside as soon as you get there.. or just watch a movie without telling me I'm beautiful or anything..

you say you know everything.. did you know.. pregnancy is the most crucial moment of a woman's life? we must be complimented everyday because we constantly feel down and we constantly feel like we're going to lose our man because we feel fat.

3] if you loved me.. you wouldn't have cheated on me
4] if you loved me.. you would've ran after me. instead of standing there with the DUMBEST excuse.. I saw that you were mad and I didn't want any conflict in front of my mom's house [fact: your mother KNOWS we have a conflict.]
5] if you loved me... you wouldn't even look at another girl for sex or anything


and cheating is in different forms.. going out with 2 ppl at once.. having sex with something that's not with you. so it's not SOMEWHAT cheating.. it's full-blown cheating..

and most of all.. YOU FUCKING KNEW i was cheated on.. you knew I had bad relationships, you KNEW that I was once in an abusive relationship [mentally not physically.. there's different kinds of abuse]

but yet.. your HAPPY ass went and cheated on me... caused me to have yet another bad relationship.. and it's horrible

I hate myself for this.. but I still love you.. I just can't trust you or forgive you.. that's really sad. but I love you because we have a past. we have a son that you OBVIOUSLY don't really care about.. cause it seems like a novelty to you.. telling everyone yea I have a son and blah blah blah.. but where's proof you love him? nowhere.. you have pictures of your sister.. where's Nathan? he should be there somewhere.

look at my profile.. it's ALL about Nathan cause I love him.. he's my world.

the whole fucking year I was with you.. I've been flirted by.. but I always tell them I have you.. why? because I love you.. I would've done ANYTHING for you. even jumped off a bridge if it meant keeping you. but seeing that you wouldn't do the same shows you don't love me.. you LUST me. you want me for sex.

everytime I think of you now.. it's like I wished I had a board full of nails and just wack it against your head. cause that's how bad I'm hurt. that's how bad I loved you that you hurt me enough that I wanted to kill you in my head. and I didn't say anything to you because I knew if I said ANYTHING... I would've just poured my eyes out. It took a lot for me not to cry seeing you for the last time.

but you obviously don't care.. you say you do.. but You've yet did anything to show you cared to me [physically meaning running after me.. hugging me, doing ANYTHING to show you cared.]



I hate you with all my guts.. but I CAN'T stop loving you because you were the first one I actually been so close to. all the other guys.. yea I was close.. but I never exchanged shit. I never moved in with them for a period of time. I never actually cried in front of them about my feelings.. I've only cried in front of 2 exs before you.. and

that was once in 10th grade when I was with a guy name Jason.. I cried because I lost him to another girl.. but I knew he still cared cause he held me while I cried and said he was sorry but I knew he loved that girl more than me.. he told me over and over before I asked him out.

and the second guy.. I cried on the one year anniversary of maygo's death because he was right there and I saw cassie and we said things that we remembered of her.. and he held me the whole night and I fell asleep on him because I cried myself to sleep..

did you ever hold me? no. maybe ONE! fucking time and that's when I was scared because I was all alone in that motel and I wasn't used to being alone like that.


and the ONE fucking person that loved me was no one. I'm always the one that's loving them.. but I knew they never loved me CAUSE THEY FUCKING CHEATED ON ME.

I'm desperately hurt by that.

him:

were can i start i really dont know were to start right now bc im so upset bc i ddint now what i was thiking or what i was doing see the meds im no now is  opening my eyes and my head from all the problems i have held you and i have told you that i love you for who you are bc in my eyes your the most butiful thing i have ever seen and i know for a fact and do remember me saying that to you. i do care about you that is why i havent been out with my friends and looking or cheacking out girls bc i dont really think that i cant  get over this. i know not to hug you or tuch you when your mad or pissed off i learned that from you and i never did it ether bc i know not to and i wanted to but i was unsure what to do. like i didnt know what to say to you or what do do i.... it just wasnt there in my head and now i wish i did stop you and hig you again... i want to be in nathans life but right now i just dont feel right with your parents expecualy your mom being around me and my son.... i just wanted him for a novalty i would no been at the hospital the whole time okay... and i wouldnt have stayed there at all after he was born ether....i was there the whole time even when you was going through the pain with the epadural and every thing.... i just dont think i would ever recover from this fight bc deep down i still love you with all my heart and never wanted this to ever happen ... yes i know i did the stuff i did.... and i will still love you even when i with some one else if that ever happens... i will still always thiking about you and how you are doing and every thing.. i dont think i can ever fully fall in love like i did with you.. to any other girl.. bc i will always and forever truly love you.. i would kill my self for you love and to stair in you eyes again.

me:

it's also bullshit how when I claim that you're cheating on me..  you go off on me about that you're not when truth.. you were.

when I found out that stuff..
I instantly thought.. I wasn't pretty enough to have just your attention because you had to go elsewhere.. I wasn't as beautiful as you told me.  I felt like I was just a little rug on the floor where you kick the dirt off on.

I felt like you never really wanted me. because you kept all this a secret. and went behind and did all that.

you made me feel like I'm worthless.. that I shouldn't be here on Earth.. and the only thing that kept me from going back to who I was was Nathan.. he gave me a reason for not to go back to who I use to be. and I hate my old self. I spent 4 years in therapy changing myself.. and If I didn't have Nathan.. I would've gone back and probably did worse. Everyone hated my old self cause they were constantly wondering is she going to live to see the next day. is she going to be alright for the night. and since I changed.. everyone saw it. I was 'happy' I have it in quotes because I put a face that I'm happy when I'm feeling sad or depressed.. I always had to go in my little room to even cry. because I didn't want people to worry about me. and as the years go by.. it got worse to where people kept screwing me over because they thought oh I can do this to her and she won't be sad. and I finally gave up on everything and started becoming a bitch I grew into. If I didn't like you.. I would say it. and if I liked you.. I would give you a benefit of a doubt..


and I trust VERY easily.. until you screw it up.. once you screw it up.. it takes forever to win it back. chris maher [my ex that was abusive] he was abusive because everytime he didn't get it his way and he knew how naive I was.. it's always well if you love me you'll do this.. and I always did what he wanted me to do. and when I want him to do something he'ld get in my face and say no because he's the man and didn't have to.. and he expected me to get a drink for him.. get food for him.. and I did.. I was like a little slave to him.. until I stood up the day he got drunk at my house and said I love you christy. one:that's not my fucking name. and two: I don't tolerate cheating.. so I broke it off with him and he begged me to come back.. but my trust issues helped me out and I never took him back.

and as for friends. when you break my trust.. we're not friends anymore.. we're acquittance.. Katie.. was my friend in the 9th grade.. then she fucked up when I liked a guy name alex.. and I told her to help me go out with him.. what did I see in front of my face.. HER BODY rubbing up against him and asked him out... any guy I liked.. any guy I wanted.. she wanted.. and that's bullshit.  she still thinks we're the BEST of friends.. and we're not.  and when I found out you flirted with her and had her in your arms the DAY you found out I broke up with you freaking hurt the hell out of me. not even right after you found out you were already doing shit.

if the meds made you realize all of this shit.. then you should have now known.. u needed meds.. you were not better off without it.
there's a reason why bipolar people have medications. to help stabalize their hormones..
yes bipolar is HORMONES.