my heart is aching (long ramble)

[bloodstone]

     I began dating Kaylan in April.  The relationship was unexpected to the both of us because our goal was to become friends.  Well it didn't happen that way.  We discovered that we had a lot in common, got along great, and could talk for hours about everything from past relationships to marriage.  It was not hard for myself to fall in love with him.  Together, we feel like a pair of twin souls, completing each other and wondering how we got along without the missing puzzle piece till now.  Every night since we began this relationship, we see each other one way or the other.

     My son adores Kaylan, and vice-versa.  Kaylan speaks often of wanting to marry me and become Joe's father.  He is the first person I have ever been able to imagine being with the rest of my life.  I seriously could not have asked for a better partner.  I already am planning the wedding for God sake.

     Yesterday I did something I shouldn't have.  I know all Kaylan's passwords to his email accounts and oftentimes go into his Internet mailboxes to snoop around.  I know it was wrong of me; I don't know how I found it, but I discovered 3 nude photos of my man.  He had sent them to an ex-girlfriend.  Usually, this wouldn't bother me because I am fully aware of his habits before meeting me.  Anyways, I felt my heart crumble when I noticed the dates as to when he sent them.  We have been dating since April and he sent the emails in August of this year.  Only two months ago!!!  Along with the photos were comments back and forth in regards to him wanting to see her genitalia spread wide open and how he wanted to put his "you-know-what" in her brown eye.  Aherrrm....  Needless to say, it made my blood boil.  I could not believe that this beautiful and perfect man would go behind my back and do such things while getting my hopes up on marriage!!!

     After my abrupt breakdown of tears and listening to depressing cello music, I pulled out some Celtic Frost, Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and other black metal bands to make my anger take over.  It worked.  All my life, when approached with problems like this one, I supress my anger and hide from the world, hoping the issue will fade away.  And that was my very intention.  I told myself that I was NOT going to call Kaylan for a couple days.  I wanted to make him worry; I wanted to make him suffer.  But after I thought about it for a while, a voice in my head told me to just call him and tell him about the email.  There was no sense in regressing back into old relationship habits; I am an adult now and if I want this relationship to work, I have to express my feelings regardless of my comfort zone.

   I picked up the dreaded telephone and dialed his number.  Rather than be asleep like usual, he was up and in a happy mood to hear from me.  I remained silent as his attempts at making me laugh failed and came to a hault.  He knew something was wrong and inquired about it.  I bluntly told him that I was mad at him and mad at myself for finding the item in his email.  Kaylan assured me that he has never cheated on me, nor would he ever want to or have the chance to.  The last part is true of course... he is either at home sleeping, at work or with me most of the time.  Regardless, I told him that he had no right to be showing off his body to his ex-girlfriend when promising to marry me in the future.  I asked him then how he would feel if I started sending nude pics to all my guy-friends.  He responded by saying that he was comfortable with his sexuality and would never cheat on me.  He continued by saying that his ex wanted the pics because she missed his sex.  Okay... but that did not mean he had to oblige her request!!!  He then explained that when he was with her in the past, she had teased and cheated on him, and that he was just returning the favor.  I guess in the "Land of Kaylan", teasing and leading on your ex is the only way they will feel the pain they caused him during their relationship.  I do not understand that crap.  She would have probably suffered more if she hadn't gotten the pics at all!!!  And I fired back at him that it really bothered me that he got himself erect for her!!!  Kaylan told me that he had to watch a porn to get himself erect to send the pics because his ex is a BIG girl.  And compared to me, she is not alluring to say the least.  Blah.

     After we hung up, Kaylan came over to comfort me.  He looked very serious while mesmerizing me with his green eyes, promising me that he is very set on me and my son.  He even cried himself, apologizing for me finding the emails and causing me such pain.  I think what bothered him the most was the fact that he had forgotten the August incident, and thought we'd live happily ever after.  He is scared that I will not love him as much and that I will think less of him as a man.  I hate how I randomly discover things and see things in people that others do not.

     In my heart, I really do know he has never cheated on me atleast in the physical world.  But him sending those emails and saying those comments, regardless of their sarcasm, makes my heart ache.  I know he has been avoiding her ever since and they have had no further contact.  But just by discovering those emails has put a crack in my view of him.  Yes, I forgave him and am going to let this experience bring our relationship closer, but I really hope that in the future I will not regret forgiving him.

[ColtsFan1912]

Oct. 13, 2009 at 2:25 PM

I am so sorry. . .i would be very upset. My Dh had an emotional affair on me before we got married. . .it ripped me to shredds  but we worked through it & we are married now & happy. Best of luck to you!