Bargain! Twins for $1 at yard sale!

[JoesGirl]

11:00pm, Tuesday October 13.

I don't like to shop - I know, it's not the norm for a woman.  I even hate shopping for shoes.  And don't waste my time driving all over the countryside going to yard sales! 

Well, as they say "Opposites attract."  My hubby pours over the advertisements on Thanksgiving Day to find the bargains and to layout his path of which stores he'll hit when.  He wakes up Black Friday before the sun (while I just roll over with the pillow over my head to sleep in).  So, of course he enjoys yard sales too!

Last Sunday he gave me money and told me to stop at a yard sale on my way back from church.  They had a lot of movies, but he wasn't sure of the titles we already had and he knew I would.  I've been keeping my eyes to fill out the Arnold Schwarzenegger collection.  There are some of his movies I refuse to see (such as Junior), but you can find good bargains at  yard sales as people are ditching VCR's with newer technology.

I looked through their action movies. I LOVE Action Movies - minus the blood, guts, or gore.  The car chases, fires,  and explosions pump me up.  I found a few Arnold movies that we don't have, and which I haven't seen before.  I picked up Running Man, RedHeat, and Twins for a buck a piece.  I brought them home, and grouped all the Arnold movies together in alphabetical order by title.  What a bargain, Twins for a buck!

Now it's two days later, I worked hard and had some of my 'hot' to do tasks done.  I decided to watch a movie before going to bed.  I had only seen a short portion of Twins a long time ago.  It was a comedy, so I decided that would be the way to go.

NOT!!!
Have you watched that movie recently?

It is not a movie about adoption, but it sure does embody the same sentiments.
Basically that separating mother and child is no big deal.  It's ok to tell the mother that her child died while giving birth, and to tell the child that his mother died when he was born.  That's ok, because a mother is unnecessary and replaceable, right?  After all, someone else benefits a great deal by this separation.  In the movie it is the government and scientific research that benefits. In real life - it is adoption professionals and adopt. parents that benefit.

This was a very bad decision to watch this movie, especially tonight.
You see, today is my son's birthday.  He is  15 years old.  I have never gotten over losing him.  In fact, I recently started seeing a counselor and she has diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Me?  PTSD?  are you kidding me???

Now that I understand the symptoms of what PTSD is, it all makes sense and explains a lot of my extreme struggles with the adoption all these years ... because it was not a win/win situation.  No, it was a trauma, a trauma that I relive over and over again.


There were some very key scenes in the movie, and it started right from the beginning...the Scientist narrated that he thought Julius was happy and would never want to leave.

Bingo!  That is what I hear repeatedly as I listen to adoptees tell their stories.  The people who parent them 'think' they're 'happy'.  Think that they are 'well adjusted' with the adoption, and aparents don't know the real longing inside the adoptee.

Shortly after Julius and Vince arrive at Vince's apartment, Vince shares some of the paperwork he 'helped' himself to at the orphanage.  Ok, this is a plug of how important it is  for Adoptees to have access to their Birth Records...,AND for those birth records to be accurate.

But this scene was like a knife as Vince repeated over and over that he was abandoned by his mother.  Society may not want to believe it, and aparents may not want to hear it, but adopted people DO feel abandoned by their original mother/parent(s).  {{On a personal note, this is a very painful thing for me to acknowledge, but the truth is that I indeed did abandon my son...I left him with complete strangers to protect him and love him...it is  not what I thought I was doing at the time, but it is in reality what I did..this is a painful reality to live with.}}

Furthermore, in this scene Vince stated that he did not want to find his mother because she abandoned him once, and he would not allow her to abandon him again.  This is not one of those adoption myths.  Since adoptees do feel abandoned and rejected, they struggle with any risk that might involve rejection.  Sometimes that is in the form of keeping everyone at arms distance and not letting anyone get 'too close.'  As adults, it also interferes with relationships and marriages.  And as in this movie, not wanting to search for original family, for fear that they will be rejected again - and that would be too painful.



There was another scene when the scientist in NM verbally attacked Vince...by saying 'you became what I thought you would' and described him as nothing but garbage.  This is how many adoptees view themselves. Maybe they wouldn't put it in those exact words, but they feel they were rejected/abandoned because of a flaw or defect, very very low iis where their self esteem is - and they struggle with it their entire lives.

While they were with the scientist in NM, he took them to the room where they were born.  As they were approaching that room in the movie, I wasn't sure how I'd respond emotionally.  I try to not go there.  Having my son was not the painful part, but letting go of him - losing him was. Some day I'll have to get those memories out of my head and down on paper.

I don't remember if it was this scientist in NM, or whom.  But it landed heavily on my heart when one man told the twins that their mother could not have other children - it was too painful.  Some people dismiss the second time infertility among original mothers - but that movie hit it spot on.  After losing a child to death or to adoption, the 'child' subject becomes a very painful one.

Then there was the scene where Julius was telling Vince that they were brothers, that they'd go find their mother and they would be a family.  This part of the movie is adoption myth.  As I look forward to meeting my own son someday, I wish it was this easy.  But if you check out a few blogs or forums, you will find out that reunions are difficult and very trying, they are not easy.  They are a roller coaster of emotions on both sides.  And sometimes there is a lot of anger or guilt that just can't be resolved.

Also in this speech Julius gave, he described that Vince was a missing part of himself, and that they were both a part that their mother was missing.
This is the part of adoption that people don't get, even though it is so  obvious it is staring them in the face.  Biologically we are connected, and when a one person is missing, somehow that loss is felt and there can be a sense of incompleteness (is that even a word?)

After their mother realizes that the twins were not con artists, but indeed her children, she made a visit to the scientist in NM.  What she says to him reverberates completely with me.  What she said to the scientist, is what I would say to the adoption agency, "you stole my family!"  Oh, and I wish, just wish I too could punch someone in the nose!

The movie ends with the mother standing in the room with the twins.  Again what she said is what I feel inside of me every day that passes and my son is still missing from my life, "All those years they lied to me, they lied to you too."

After watching the movie, I came downstairs to get a drink. I didn't want to talk about it.
My thoughts were on my son.  Is it irony that I saw this very triggering movie on his birthday?

I sat on the chair in front of the wood stove with my glass of hot water, and started to cry. 

[contriteheart]

Oct. 14, 2009 at 7:52 AM

Wow Joes, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.

[LeahOG]

Oct. 14, 2009 at 10:01 AM

There's not much that can be said. I gave up a daughter for adoption. I also have PTSD. I hear you.

[Acid]

Oct. 14, 2009 at 11:22 AM I am adopted and disagree with a few things you said. I do NOT feel abandoned by my birth mother. In fact, I know she did what she had to do to make sure I got the care and support she knew she couldn't give to me. I was very sick when I was born and although she tried for 8 months to care for me, she realized she couldn't do it on her own. I do not feel like garbage because she put me up for adoption, rather I feel special and loved by two people who opened their hearts and home to me. They had four chilren already, one of whom was a child with Down's Syndrome. They were foster parents as well. So, they opened their hearts and home to other children as well. My home life wasn't perfect, as no one's ever is. But, I can't imagine two better people to have been my parents and I am eternally grateful to my mother for allowing me to be placed for adoption. One day, I hope to thank her in person.

[JoesGirl]

Oct. 14, 2009 at 8:25 PM

dear acid

thank you for taking the time to reply

no where in my writing did I state that ALL  adoptees feel a certain way, nor did I state that they ALWAYS behave a certain way.

IF I had used those words 'All' or 'Always,' I could see why you disagree...but what I expressed was both my own personal feelings/experiences as well as the personal feelings/experiences of many of my adopted friends I communicate with on a regular basis.  

And NO ONE who has NOT walked a mile in our skin can disagree with how we feel, what our experiences were, or how we perceive things at that point in our journey.

When you respond right off the bat saying "I disagree" it sounds like you are just minimizing and dismissing the reality of others.

We are all different, and we are all at differernt places in our journey through our lives.  If your experience is different that what I described above, that's ok.  But it would be better to just say it that way ...

"My experience or my feelings are different... and here's why..."

Carefully chosen words like allow us to have meaningful conversations - instead of turning it into a debate or trying to make it seem like only one person's feelings and experiences are right or better than the rest.

Your statement actually sounds like some of my adoptee friends, and then somewhere through life their perspective changed.  What is there to disagree about there? Nothing. People might   dislike   what they read, but there is really nothing to disagree about.

If they admit to dealing with low self esteem issues, but you don't - does that make you better than them?   - does that make your experience more important? - does that make them wrong?

If they struggle with the idea that their original mother abandoned them, but you are content with the facts you know about your adoption - does that mean they are less of a person?  - does that mean they should not  talk about how they feel? - does that mean they should hide all those feelings inside?

obviously the answers are no - no - no, etc.

I hope you would take time to re-read the post and pause when I share about other adoptees feelings or thoughts.  Pause and think about how - even though that is not what you  personally experienced, other people still do.

 

(Original Poster)