'Tis that time again for another therapy session.

I'm not going to sugar coat this:

I have found 2 lumps in my right breast that do NOT hurt. (Cysts in the boobies hurt like the Devil!) Especially with October being BREAST CANCER AWARENESS month, I'm on high alert. This is different though. True, I'm sitting here waiting for my granddad to come back from taking the kids to school so I can go sit for hours waiting at the doctor's office to see what she says BUT it seems to be that no matter how strong I try to be on the outside, I can't help but be terrified on the inside. I'm sure you're thinking I'm being my normally over-dramatic self but do you know why? Six years ago I survived a horrific accident in which I almost lost my right breast forever. The damage was severe & miraculously it recovered. However, it was then the surgeon informed me I would have an 80% chance of developing breast cancer BEFORE adding in any potential "risk" factors. His exact words were "pretend I have 100 darts and I throw them at you....80 will hit you. That is your odds of getting breast cancer." Nice.

I was 20 at that time and wasn't too big on monthly self exams. You best believe since then I don't just do them monthly, I do them bi-weekly. Technology has come so far that it makes me easier for me to be strong and I've spent a lot of time preparing for this moment. In fact, I've even decided: if I find out today that yes, I do have breast cancer...I'm electing to have a double mastectomy. Too bold of a move? Maybe. But the surgeon did tell me that once I got it, it would come back and I would battle it over and over. I don't want that. If I have it, I want them to just take the damn things, I don't need them anyway. I have tried to picture my body without breasts and guess what? It's not going to make me any less smart, beautiful, funny or loving. What it will do is make my numbers on the scale go down!

All joking aside, I'm scared but I know God will take care of me. It makes it a little better but yet I can't shake the fear inside me. It's fear of the unknown. I've been keeping this to myself for a while now....I found the first lump two months ago and had so much on my plate with the diabetes I just couldn't handle more complications. And now I've got a second one. I just couldn't sit here alone in my thoughts and not share them.

If you learn anything from me please let it be this: Please, please, PLEASE, feel your breasts every month. You will know what doesn't feel right. And if you find something, do not wait. Get to a doctor, even if you don't have the money, it can be taken care of...they can write it off. Don't let anything stop you from getting the medical help you need and deserve. *Especially since early detection means better survival rates*

I know I'm getting all mushy & shit but please know that if you are reading this, then you are on my friend's list...and that means I put you there because even if we don't talk regularly, you still hold a special place in my heart and I LOVE YOU no matter what. And I'm sorry I don't tell you how much you mean to me enough and how great you are.

Y'all are all the most wonderful people I know. Y'all have touched me in different ways, no matter how big or small a way and each experience has made me who I am.

OK, time to go, updates when I know. Check my tweets, I will tweet a lot today (www.twitter.com/superhumanc)

Update--Here is what happened at the doctor:

I have Fibrocystic Breast Disease in an advanced stage. I'm awaiting a call from the hospital to go in for tests. They didn't determine whether my 2 lumps were cancer or not but they said this disease begins to cause/encourage cancer. I might have benign lumps now, but it doesn't mean cancer hasn't started. Both my entire breasts and under my armpit area are engulfed with this disease. They said I could be OK for now, but to start prepping for the worst because it's coming. The couple options I was given were, obviously cut out each cancerous area that starts, which will always come back and I can go through chemo and all that. Then there is the radical method: double mastectomy. Depending on what they say and how often I have to get procedures I might just go ahead and get rid of the girls. The idea of going through chemo (which my aunt is dying in the hospital RIGHT NOW from complications from chemo stemming from liver cancer) I'm not too big on the idea of having to go through chemo over and over for a good bit of my life. If I can skip it by getting rid of the girls, they are GONE.

Thanks for letting me rant.

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Oct. 21, 2009 at 1:00 PM


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