The Ridiculous SAHM vs. Working Mom Debate

[mizkaye]

So, I've been checking out the Answers forum lately and I see the SAHMS and working moms are going at it again and as for me, I'm repressing the urge to puke all over my keyboard...and here's why...

First of all, I have been on every side of this fence.  I have been a single mom who worked 3 jobs to support my first son.  I have been a working, married mom that made more money than her husband and carried our family's insurance.  I have been a SAHM.  I have been (and am currently) a part-time working mom.  My kids have been in daycare and they have been cared for by family and friends.  Currently, my work schedule and my oldest son being of the age that he can babysit his siblings if needed (he's 15) means that my younger children are not in daycare.  Working part-time, I couldn't afford daycare if I wanted it...and believe it or not, I wish I could because my 3yr old absolutely LOVES being around kids her own age and wants to go to school like her big brothers...poor deluded thing that she is...she is begging for 'someone else to raise her'...dear child. 

9 years ago I lost my job in the middle of my second pregnancy.  Not being able to find anyone willing to hire a pregnant woman, I stayed home and just didn't go back to work.  I don't remember having a philosophical reason for doing so other than daycare for a newborn was about $150 a week in my area and that was just not affordable for us...so I stayed home.  A couple of years later, I took a seasonal job during Christmas to make a little extra money.  I remembered that I actually did enjoy working and it gave me a break and a chance to get out of the house.  After the job was over, I went back home.  My husband found a better job...a MUCH better job...and the NEED for me to work disappeared.  I did continue to work seasonal jobs just to make extra money at Christmas and to keep my contacts and resume semi-current in case I ever decided to work again full-time.  However, with my husband's rotating swing shifts, we found that we didn't get to spend much time together when I worked so I continued to stay home the rest of the year.   That's right, I decided to be a SAHM not so I could spend oodles of time with my darling children, but so I could spend time with my husband...what a horrible woman I am! 

My oldest son spent the most time in daycare.  He started at the age of 2 and went until he started kindergarten.  Yep, somebody else 'raised' him for 3 years.  Funny, those women that 'raised' him, he doesn't remember their names...odd seeing as how they ''raised' him and I didn't, isn't it?  Yep, that's right, I'm calling out the SAHMS that think that day cares and pre-schools are 'raising' all those kids of those awful working moms.  This is without a doubt the STUPIDEST, most asinine argument against daycare I ever heard since it's so incredibly NOT TRUE!   My own son is proof-positive of that.  He can't remember the names of his daycare teachers nor what he did there...but he remembers me taking him to the park on my off days and reading to him every night before bed.  He is now and has always been fully aware of who is mother is (ME!) and to think that any child would think otherwise is ridiculous.  So, let's please put this argument to rest...it's ignorant and does nothing but make the SAHMs that use it feel superior to the working moms and really, self-martyrdom is not a good look on anybody. 

My middle son stayed home with me from birth until kindergarten.  He is in no way smarter, more bonded, or better than my older son.  I didn't attack stay at home motherhood in any way...we just stayed at home.  I don't remember it being a 'calling' or anything like that, and honestly, I didn't use my every second with my child to enrich and teach and just adore him.  Being at home wasn't hard...it's never been difficult for me and I don't understand the women who say being a SAHM is the hardest job ever.  Really?  If it's difficult, then it has to be because you are making it difficult.  I never found it difficult to sit in my pajamas and play with my kid for a while, get up and do some laundry, sit back down and watch Sesame Street, make some lunch...come on...this isn't that difficult.  Plus, I had the freedom to nap and go to the mall and just do what I wanted.  Wasn't that hard...pack up the diaper bag, grab the kid and go...simple.  I could never do that when I worked a full-time job as my time didn't really all belong to me...it belonged to whatever company I was working for at that time.  But as a SAHM, my time belongs to me and I do what I want when I want...and that's not hard and it's not the hardest job I've ever had in my life...trust me.  This morning the 3yr old and I slept until 10am.  So far today we have managed to eat breakfast and watch a bit of tv and feed the dog and cat and chat with Daddy on the phone when he called from work...what's so hard about that?  Now, if I wanted, I could have gotten up at 6am and started a massive, full-scale assault on my laundry while cleaning my house spotless and planning a 6 course meal and trying to teach the 3yr old to speak Mandarin...but what is the point of that?  Doesn't sound like fun to me or the 3yr old for that matter.  So, SAHM=hardest job ever...un-uh, I'm not buying it...sorry. 

My youngest child, the girl, is 3 1/2 yrs old and she has never been in daycare either.  This annoys the snot out of her and here's why...she does currently attend a speech therapy class twice a week.  To get to this class, we have to walk by the autism therapy class.  It looks like a daycare classroom...full of kids her age and toys and music and bright colors and OH MY GOD THEY ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!  She begs to go in there every time we pass it by...and why shouldn't she?  If I were a 3yr old, I would much rather prefer to go somewhere where there were kids to play with and toys and music and paints  and chairs and tables and sinks and potties my size and so forth.  Oh yes, we have all that stuff at home...toys and arts and crafts and what-not...but we don't have any other kids her age and she gets lonely.  She doesn't always want to play with Mommy and Daddy...she wants other kids that she can do stuff with...her favorite time of day is when her brothers come home from school.  This child asks me everyday when will she be big enough to go to school.  And I wish I could send her because she would love it...and as for those awful daycare workers instilling their values in my child...nonsense!  I have yet to meet a daycare worker that would teach hatred over kindness, selfishness over sharing, bullying over friendliness, or anything of that sort.  And face it, the basic values we ALL want to teach our children are kindness, acceptance, love and so on.  Have you ever met a daycare teacher that said 'Nope, sorry...we don't teach that here.  We teach our kids to hate each other and be mean and ugly to the world.'  No, you haven't and if you say you have, I will call you a liar.  Furthermore, if you are so worried about your values being usurped by somebody Else's values, then your teaching of those values isn't very strong to begin with and you should probably question your priorities as far your parenting style is concerned. 

Are my kids perfect?  Nope.  Am I perfect?  HA!  Hell no...far from it in fact.  Is my life without conflict and hardship...well, you can read my last journal and see that it's not.  Just like any family, we have our problems.  Like any mother, I have my shortcomings.  Like any marriage, mine has faced some tough obstacles.  Like any WOMAN my life has not always been easy and stress-free.  But the one thing I know is this...my life belongs to ME and I do with it what I wish.  Working moms are not perfect...SAHMs are not perfect.  Neither is better than the other and to think otherwise is not only stupid, but sanctimonious and self-serving and doesn't help anybody, including the person that is thinking it.  If you are a SAHM sitting around breaking your arm because you are patting yourself on the back so hard for being a SAHM, then you really need to stop because you never know what might happen to you in the future.  Ah yes, the future, let's talk about that a bit before I go...

As my last journal clearly stated, my husband and I have had some problems in the last year.  Problems that nearly led to divorce.  Guess what I found out?  As a SAHM I had very little employment history for the last 9yrs.  This meant I wasn't a very desirable candidate for employment which meant had I needed to find a full-time job to support myself and my kids, it would have been next to impossible.  Also, no job meant very little credit history aside from what I had piggy-backed off my husband with our joint accounts.  But guess, what?  Those wouldn't count in my single future since they were based on HIS income which I would lose in the instance of divorce.  Furthermore, I have NOT been paying into social security.  Need I say what that would mean when I reached retirement age?  Also, my health insurance would be gone since it's under my husband's employer.  As someone with a history of cancer and a chronic illness, me getting insurance would have been impossible.  Thankfully, my husband and I didn't divorce...we recommitted to our marriage so for the time being, I am 'safe' financially and otherwise.  But what will happen to me and any other SAHM that suddenly finds them self single after years of marriage?  Yep, being a SAHM has virtually shackled me to my husband...I couldn't leave him if I wanted to without putting myself and my kids into poverty and signing a death warrant for myself when I lost my health insurance.  Does this give me more incentive to stay married?  I'll admit it does...at least I love my husband.  But what about the SAHMs that don't?  What about the SAHM that is being abused on a daily basis and can't leave?  What is she to do?  Fortunately, I have work experience and education but it would only benefit me in a  good economy and only if I wasn't sick.  So, don't be so smug SAHMs...your life can change in an instant and you could very easily become that working mom that you are looking down your nose at.

And working moms...don't begrudge those SAHMs.  Befriend them in fact...they could be your greatest ally.  I can't work full-time anymore because of my LUPUS.  I'm glad I got to know some SAHMs since that gives me people I can relate to...also, it humbles you to have your work identity yanked out from under your feet.  And yep, you to could very easily become that SAHM that you are sneering at due to illness or job loss.  All of our lives could change in a second...and when it does, and we find ourselves on the other side of that fence, we realize that no matter how green the grass is, it still has to be mowed.  So stop this arguing and nonsense bickering...none of us is better than the other.  Stop justifying your reasons for things...it doesn't matter why you chose to work or stay at home.  Just do what makes you happy.

Now, if you don't mind...I have to start a load of laundry and the 3yr old has a new box of crayons we have been dying to open as she and I share a great love for new crayons and we are going to watch Yo Gabba Gabba...and be happy.