Dear Mom,

[MomToLilAngel]

My mother passed away almost 21 years ago from Breast Cancer at the age of 25. (I was 7 when she passed.)  About 2 years ago, I felt the "need" to talk to her and I ended up writing a blog on myspace.  At first I planned on just keeping it private, but once I finished it I decided to share it with anyone who wanted to read it.  So here I am 2 years later and I've decided to share it again.  Maybe it can help someone who might be dealing with the same situation.  

Dear Mom, 

Well, here it is like midnight and I can't sleep. My emotions have been running a little crazy the past couple of days.  For some crazy reason, I feel like I need to "talk" to you and writing this letter may allow me to do so.  I'm not really sure where this is going to go, but I know I have so much I feel like I need to get off my chest.

I can't believe it's been almost 19 years since you've passed.  Some days I actually have to think about how long it's been, and that scares me a bit.  I guess on one hand it's a good thing, but I'm afraid that as the time passes the memories will fade. Since I don't have many  to hold on to, I sure don't want any of them to fade away. I'm lucky enough to have Tina.  She's been so wonderful, and I know she has memories and stories to share.  Sometimes I feel like I want to just ask her to sit down with me and tell me everything about you. I'm sure she would if I asked, but I just can't for some reason. I just don't really know how to explain it.

I just know how emotional I've gotten with other events in my life, such as my senior year in high school, my wedding, and the birth of my daughter.   Although I don't know if any of those come close to the time I found the lump in my breast.  I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had not done my self breast exams in awhile and  I had my annual check up coming up. I knew the doctor would ask me so at the last minute I decided to do my self breast exam.  I felt a lump in my breast.  I was 23 years old, almost 24, the same age you were when you were diagnosed with your cancer.  To make matters worse Tina was fighting her second bought with cancer.  She was actually in the hospital the day I went for my annual check up.   When I went for my exam, I told the doctor about it.  Of course he did his exam and he felt it too.  I was so scarred.  I was supposed to be getting married in a few months and starting my life.  This was not supposed to be happening.  Instead of getting a mammogram, he sent me to get an ultra sound and to follow up with a surgeon (and I knew just the man for the job)  When I went to follow up with Dr. M., he said that nothing showed on the ultra sound.  He too did an exam.  He said he didn't really think it was anything to worry about, but thought it would be a good idea to remove it since he knew my family history.  So I was scheduled for surgery.  I was so afraid of what was going to happen, but I brought along the best support system ever...Tina and Jake.  To make a long story short, I had my lump removed and I found out the results on my 24th birthday...they were negative!  I was so relieved, but at the same time still so emotional. 

Here I was only a year younger then you were when you passed.  I was just begining to start my life and yours was taken about the same time.  Why?  Why did that have to happen.  There are just times when a girl wants her mom and I couldn't have you and I still can't.  Now that I know what it's like being a mom and having a daughter of my own I can't imagine being taken away from her.  I'm enjoying watching her grow up and I want to see her grow into a fine young lady.  You had that all taken away from you.  You never got the chance to see what I have become and it kills me.  You never got the chance to meet your son-in-law and you never got the chance to meet your beautiful granddaughter.  She is just so amazing!  It's just not fair.  I know they say everything happens for a reason and I do believe it, I just don't know why you were taken away from me.  Maybe God needed you more then I did or maybe it was to make me grow into a strong person.  Maybe it wasn't for either of us, maybe Tina was the reason.  Maybe he needed to make her stronger to deal with her own cancer battle to come or maybe it was his way of giving her a daughter that she never of had.   Whatever the reason was,  God must have had a plan.

When I had Brendalyn I realized a few things that I don't think I would have ever realized if I wasn't a mom.  One of those things was how thankful I was to have Tina.  She has always been here for me no matter what.  One year for Mother's Day she wrote a letter to all of us telling us why she loved Mother's Day.  On my first Mother's Day, I wrote her a letter letting her know how much she means to me and how thankful I was to have her.  One of the things I wrote in my letter was telling her that she was the mother I never had and that I wanted to give her the title she deserved.  I wanted to start calling her "mom".   It's be a little harder then I thought.  I guess I'm so use to calling her Tina, that's what comes out.  I just wish there was a way to make it easier.  I want to be able to call her mom.  She has been my mom for most of my life. I know that calling her mom doesn't mean that you're not my mom.  I know you are my mom and that you hold a very special place in my heart, but so does she.  Why can't this be easier?   Why can't any of this be easier?  I saw this quote today that said "No one said this would be easy, but it will sure be worth it."  I guess that's so true.  Life's not easy, but it sure is worth it. 

I believe God gave me Brendalyn because he knew I needed her.  When she was born we were trying to decide who she looked like.  Some of her features were easy to figure out which side of the family she looked like.  But we couldn't figure out the lower half of her face and then it hit me.  I looked at a picture of you and she had your features.  It was like God gave me a little bit of you back.  It hurts that she'll never get to meet you, but I tell her about you once in awhile.  I know she's to young to understand everything now, but once she gets old enough, I'll explain everything to her. 

Well, I really need to go to bed.  Tonight has been so emotional for me, I'm just drained.  I think I cried through more then half of letter.  I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I think about you all the time.  I will never forget you and I will tell Brendalyn all that I can about you.  I will let her know that you were a strong women and that you fought until the end!   I hope that that God's plans for me doesn't included ever having to go through cancer myself, but if it does, I will fight like hell and hope for the best.  I love you mom and I miss you so much!

Love always,

Mandi