Day 25, of the Journey... First Big step (the first of many)

[Dannille33]

As many of you have read my Journal posts you know that the title usually isn't such as this one. Thanks to a few friends I have been able to make the Journey back to ME title part of the Journal background. I LOVE IT! Thanks to you both.

I was going to write last night, then I got so tired I had seemed to wait till the middle of the day to accomplish anything. Oh well, thats life more so to a person that is already doing so much inside their head. Darn thinking anyway it gets you in trouble! SO after a few long conversations on the phone I (which one I am thankful for she is a great friend and has been since the begining of the Journey back to me) was able to pull myself together and get a MUCH needed fridge cleaned. Now I don't know about all of you others but cleaning the fridge is a nasty time consuming job. At least it is for me it's like I have to take apart my fridge and clean every bit of it .. lol That's what I get for having a mother that loved a VERY Very clean house. Anyway after that I made beer bread which I cannot seem to stand anymore, and I also managed to make a nice roast with the fixins. Needless to say the kids weren't not much for it. I tell them to imagine their selves in a third world country and they haven't eaten for a week I am sure this would make for a right supper. They still refuse to eat it. GRRR Kid and their Junk food. So they went to bed semi hungry after managing to eat their veggies. After all that I pretty much crashed and watched a bit of tv before dreamland took me deep in to slumber.

Now today well today is a NEW day, I thank so many of you for all your ideas, and all your support. One thing I am is a good listener though I tend to like to talk to much.. (sorrie) Anyway after soaking on all that advice and positive re enforcement I decided to try something today. Now I am not one to think positive till the day is over and a new day starts so I am still a bit skeptical on this matter... though proud.

Ok so today after waking the kids I showered and chilled for awhile. I wanted to try to do something today I haven't been able to do calmly for 3 months. Or close to that... So about 830 am this morning my husband woke up to watch our 4 yr old, and I was off to town. This was something I had to do alone, and might of to with out meds for awhile. So I got in the care and I usually am ok with that , it's when the gravel ends and the pavement begins that's where I lose it. This means I am in town.... So as I approach it I tell myself, I can do this, and I start just acting silly doing a little car dancing to a song playing and ignore anything negative my thoughts try to throw at me. I make it to the place where I need to be the STORE. Now here's the test I am not good with people lots of them in one place in public.. So I enter the store and take a deep breath. Im in! I grab a cart and I am feeling a bit tense I fight it .. You know it's all about putting up a good fight. I get my shopping done and I decide ya know I went shopping I could clean the care. (My husband has been driving my car this whole time instead of his. Mines cleaner and is newer) Anyway needless to day my van was trashed.. and stunk.. UGH so I had to wash it and clean it.. It felt good to do that, and I made it home..

Now on thing I am learning is you have to fight for YOU in this disorder. You have to say I am not going to let this beat me, or consume me. You have to tell yourself you can do it alot!! (That was something a new friend shared with me) And it's day by day healing yes you will take on step forward and a few back, just remember how far you went on that one BIG step before the bad ones.. Remember where you started from and what your goal is. Most of all remember you deserve to have life go on and not without you! Writing is HUGE, if you don't write and you suffer from stress, anxiety, and panic then do write. I am a writer so it's not a new thing for me. I will tell you though when I feel nervous at home, or stressed, or angry I WRITE. You have to write so you can see what is making you so stressed. You can also track how far you have come in your own journey. I am told I am strong and people are soo proud of me. I am thankful for that , Yet I don't feel strong yet, and I know it isn't me it's the feeling of that fear. FIGHT THE FEAR I SAY! Do not allow it to take you to keep you in your house, yes I still have days, weeks, or weekends that I don't get dressed, or don't feel like doing anything but sitting around. As I discussed with a friend yesteday I sometimes feel like my kids think I am really looney so I wait till it's close to the time they get home and I shower or changed clothes. I don't want them to think I am letting myself go. Though lately I have found that it helps you rest, stay calm, and focus.

Now ... I know that some of what I write REEKS the fact that I might be lazy.. I believe that when you get this way you become lazy because you are worried that anything you might do could trigger that feeling of panic. Here's the thing I have my lazy days, and I have my working my butt off days. BUT IM A MOM AND I HAVE NO DAYS OFF. Just like all of us .. that work, or stay at home .. We work full time as a MOM. Keep that in mind if anyone tells you that your lazy... YOUR NOT. Your human, your battling this thing that is trying to control you, your thinking, your feeling, your hands, your eyes... Just don't let it! Keep fighint.

I am not going to edit my Journal because I don't feel like I should.. mostly cause I am tired ..LOL Stress, and anixety really wears you out! No wonder why I use to go to bed at like 11 or 12 at night ... Now I am in bed at 8 pm watching tv with the little one before dreamland at 9...

So .. fight, and pray, and hold on... if you and I can beat this .. then we are stronger then we ever imagined!

Much love mom's

[Dannille33]

Oct. 20, 2009 at 12:24 PM

I didn't add this but I haven't been on meds for almost a week... So this is  HUGE STEP .... I feel better off them.. so far. Although they are at bay if I need it.

(Original Poster)

[Lb128f]

Oct. 20, 2009 at 12:41 PM

Very good! I'm so glad you got up, got dressed and got out!! WOOHOO!! GOOD FOR YOU! And, over the last couple of days you HAVE accomplished a lot! That's great! I agree with you...you just keep fighting for YOU. Don't expect every day to be perfect...but, do expect every day to be GOOD! Good Luck!!

[Dannille33]

Oct. 20, 2009 at 1:16 PM

Thank you! I beleieve it has to do alot with the support I am getting from fellow cafe mom's such as youself. Also it just takes time to get to where you need to be to start to begin again. I have also thought of posting in a few places to see if others are interested in a support group that way we can throw around ideas or just call someone if we need support. Not that I dont have alot of friends/moms on here that do that for me it's just that others might need it to that feel as alone as I did. I don't plan to make it a group of problems. Heck that is why we got the way we are.. lol Just sharing our stores.. I wish other mom's on here would join forces.. I still ponder just how many are finding my Journals helpful in their own lives. If I am to helping them by sharing. I know it's something that I shouldn't be thinking about but I love to help .. and I know it helps some. Just wish it could help more!

(Original Poster)

[kristine2012]

Oct. 20, 2009 at 11:48 PM

Perfect! This journal gave me chills. You are making such big steps & yes you may take a couple back. Like you said, look at the really big steps you made forward, befor you count them as steps back. Sometimes we are stronger than other times, even in normal everyday situations. So take every opportunity to count even the smallest of steps...GOOD! You already know I think you are a very strong, very compassionate, driven woman & you are making such a crippling time in your life and turning it into a vision of victory! XOXOXO

[maidn]

Oct. 22, 2009 at 12:25 AM

Great job hon