Day 28,09 Questions why.. or what happened.

[Dannille33]

Well, it's been 2 days since I wrote.. I am sorry I guess for some reason I flee to my room at night around 6 pm. It's like a safety blanket or something. I grow very tired and it seems better when I lay down. I don't do this every night just most nights you could say.

I thought I was getting better, it's been 7 days today since I haven't  taken the Klonopin. At first I was still pretty nervous and then things would come up and busy my mind. Then the day would go better,  and then at night it would seem to change. This seems to happen more when my husband is as work so every two nights then he is off two nights. This is a schedule I HATE! He also works 45 mins away and can't leave if he has to. Unless someone dies of course or he is sick. He is just that way.

So anyway Tuesday I did well, I went and even picked up my 4 yr old son at school and we went and had lunch. Don't get me wrong I still get that tugg that seems to pull at me most of the time. I just chose to ignore it for the most part  If I didn't I would go Mad.. So after a good afternoon we went back home. Just I felt panic a bit then I felt nervous as we pulled up the lane/drive way. Why? I have no idea. See that's what I don't get I am not even feeling close to how I did for 2 months. The first month of feeling the panic wasn't even considered feeling bad. It's hard to describe but I was feeling great! I will say there were times I would feel tense here or there, maybe numb hands if I drove to see my mother, or perhaps hard to breath at times when I felt tense. but then out of no where? And that was before now This was a very clam day with my son... This was so fun! Till we got in the driveway.

So here's the thing I got out of the car Tuesday and it seemed to go away the feeling I felt. I was glad and didn't pay mind to it. Then my daughter came home hours later from school telling me she had a detention. I was upset and tried to call the school yet couldn't reach anyone. Well, lets just say with my daughters IEP she cannot ever get a detention. So I ranted and raved about this for about 4 hours. I am very dead set on the school doing what they are suppose to. I have fought so hard for her 10 yrs school that I didn't want to have it start over again.  I didn't feel overly nervous or anything actually it felt good to feel alive even though I was mad.

The next day Wed I contacted the school that morning and I told them about everything. I was so upset yet held composer. Christina's advisor didn't even know of her autism, ocd, odd, mood disorder, or sever adhd. I was SHOCKED! She stated that knowing this would explain alot of things she was doing in school. Not bad things just things in a ritual so to speak, and how she didn't talk with any one much and more so the teachers. I was glad to share all this with her and we go it all worked out. She also ended up with no detention. The teacher/advisor said that I didn't sound like a parent that didn't hardly leave the house. I sounded like a driven mom that only wants what her child needs. I told her I once was that kind of a mom till a few months ago. It does kill a parent when they feel they have failed a bit.

Not only do I go through this everyday, the kids see how I am. I have good days like I did for about 5 till I started to get nervous. My kids they see that I do not act like a mom should any more. I am very worried about things at times, I don't cook like I use to all the time and make cookies. We don't go anywhere they depend on my husband for that. I am usually in my room at 5 or 6 pm. It's not that I dont' want to be with them and doing fun things. It's like I cant for some reason. I am still working on that.

So anyway yesterday came, and I thought it would be a pretty good day cause my husband was off. Well, it started out ok for the most part. See the past 2 days my 4yr old has gotten up at 3 am and wouldn't go back to sleep so I was a bit sleep deprived but doing ok.. Anyway my kids left at 730 for the bus and Joel took Wesley to my mothers house I didn't go because I was starting to feel sick and nerves. I knew this wasn't the time for me to try. I keep saying baby steps yet they just don't get it. So they left and I was here keeping busy and watching a few shows doing some laundry even. Then around 1130am I called my mother. We were talking about her visit with Wesley and then I started to talk about what I found out about my daughter and her teachers ( I forgot this earlier. They didn't know about her disabilities because all the info was placed in OTHER in her file.. like it was non existent or something so if you have a child with disabilities keep that in mind!) Anyway during that talk it happened. Just like that out of no where I went to say something and my head went numb, I couldn't talk, and I felt strange. I got up and walked around it went just as fast as it showed up. I am puzzled  as to what brought it on, was it the stress from the last two days? I mean I was nervous about Joel leaving but I knew he was on his way back. So after that attack as I will call it , cause this felt just like the other 3 I had 3 months ago I went on about my day though walking on egg shells so to speak.

In the back of my mind I just wonder if it is panic that I have just like that. I pick my brain about what it is and I know if I go back to the doctor she will just say take your med once a day at least to keep that feeling away.  Which is what I was doing but started to feel worse on it with the very tired feeling, it made me shake at times, it as like it was working but not. I dunno like I was in between feelings good and bad. I want to just cry and be very depressed about this. I mean I was doing so good. I thought for a moment that I was going to get through this slowly but yesterday brought me back to square one. So today I am thinking about taking the med just for the morning I dont' want to keep feeling that and something pill or otherwise has kept it at bay for 3 months now. I don't meet with my therapist till next wed. That makes me upset too. I feel like I need someone to talk to more than that, and he isn't here but once every 2 weeks. So the Journey continues, and I hope one day it will flee my body, it will go away and I wont have it tugging at me, trying to take over my life, it will just vanish this feeling I feel.

So there you have it the last two days. Many would say why did you stop taking the pill? Why because I felt tired, I felt edgy, I felt like it worked for 1 hour and then I became shakey and more nervous this was after I took it regularly. I haven't been thinking as much hoping that would help. I journal in my notebook as well as on here when I can. I want to wave my white flag because I dont know what to do and I don't want to be put on something that is going to make me a zombie, or have me as high as a kite. I just want to function, I want to be as close to how I was before this came on.

I end this frustrated and tired. Tried of all this chaos and confusion inside my head and body.

I am sorry this wasn't a good journal.. :(

Tags: journaling, stress, anxiety, panic, depression, family, life

Add A Comment

[Lb128f]

Oct. 23, 2009 at 9:34 AM

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time...you've certainly tried to help yourself that's clear...but, I think you should go to your Doc and ask for some tests...maybe an MRI of your head to make sure nothing physical is going on...maybe there is something else happening that you aren't aware of...and if there is NOT....then I think you should ask for a different med. I know you are opposed to taking meds...that's very clear. But, if you want to feel better then you need to do whatever is needed to do so. And, you have to find a med that helps and that doesn't make you feel worse. I do think you were doing better with the meds...but, even when you were taking them you weren't taking the prescribed dosage daily as directed...some days you'd take half, some days a quarter of what you were supposed to take and the only way that meds are doing to help are if you take them as prescribed....daily, the full dosage, you know? If you are dealing with something else going on...then that needs to be treated too. As for the counselor...please check on seeing one in the closet city...even if your DH has to drive you there on his days off...if you feel you need to see someone more often (and I agree you do)...then make an appointment!  You deserve to have your life back and your children deserve to have their Mother back....please do whatever you need to do to feel better...even if that is taking drugs daily to help! I'll be saying a prayer that you can find some help.

[kristine2012]

Oct. 23, 2009 at 10:22 AM

I have to agree with Lb128f! Everything she said hits to the core of the situation. I would have a complete medical work up, blood tests, MRI, etc. to at least cross any medical condition off the list. Have your thyroid checked as well. All in basic blood tests. If all of the medical tests come back normal you really need to accept the medication, one that will agree with you. Three months is not a long time to be fighting panic and anxiety, but for you, your children & your husband it's endless. They don't deserve this anymore than you do & I hate to see you wasting time trying to get better, rather than really getting better. You only have your children at this age for a short time & you deserve that time to be with them & them with you. Prayers going up for you and your family :)

[Jesterqueen]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 10:44 PM

Also, if the meds are making you feel worse than they are helping, the doc may be able to provide something different. I know that it can be a real dance to find the right thing that works. Hugs. Just keep taking baby steps. BTW - I like the sound of your daughter's advisor a lot. You're still going to have to fight for her, because that's how the schools are, but this person sounds like a potential ally in that battle!

[maidn]

Oct. 25, 2009 at 11:15 PM

Keep hanging in there hon ... you will have good days and bad ! but it you look at your earlier journals .. I think you are doing better over all and from talking to you it seems that way to me .. By the ways I will get that other letter written for you ... my son and daughter in law were moving in this weekend so it was a weird week for me. Take care hon