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Emotions frustrate me
- Oct 24, 2009 at 1:05 AM
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- Comments (10) Total Views (456) Everyone can see this journal post.
I have no real concept of emotions and that causes issues with social skills. So I speak more with an analytical side. I like facts.. they are easy to understand and easier to speak about.
When it comes to emotions I get flustered and it causes me to sputter. I can't control them and I hate that. It is one of the things I absolutely will admit to hating. People refer to me as a bitch because I will speak without emotion and mouth off about facts I have learned. I spent most of my childhood learning new things rather than enjoying friends.
Why is that?
I never really knew but all I knew was I could not communicate with people at all. It could be because of the molestations from a young age of 7. Or it could be because I was bullied... I don't know. But for as long as I can remember I have always had a book in my hand. I was the first in my classes to fully comprehend a computer and the first in my class to type the fastest. I spent every moment of my life digging through a new book. At first it was fictional books so I could escape into new worlds and pretend to be the heroin. And then it went to non-fiction where I learned of new and exciting things.
When the Internet boomed it was a huge thing for me especially with the birth of search engines!
I pushed away from emotions and only spoke of things I have learned and I still to this day do the same thing. I don't really think of other people's feelings because feelings for me have always been overrated. The friends that I did manage to have growing up (they clung to me I didn't really cling to them) told me I was like 7 of 9 or data more than a human being.
My husband tells me I don't have a brain/mouth filter. I just say what is on my mind and when people get offended I really don't know why.
On here I really don't get upset over things unless it reminds me of times where I was left powerless and physically hurt during times of abuse. See I have a history of abuse through out my young life. It wasn't until recently I left that circle and decided I did deserve something better in my life. But it came with battles and even times where I doubted myself. And my best guess is I use knowledge to push people out so I could never hurt again. So if I never get close to people or learn how to interact with them then no one could ever hurt me again.
But that backfires and I hurt more. Because I can't make friends easily and my friends get frustrated with me. I can't connect to anyone so it makes it hard for me to get a job. And due to Idaho's right to work laws... I have to play nicey nicey and connect with the person interviewing me. And I can't. It is foreign to me and so I have literally no people skills.
The only reason I have my husband and the few friends I do have is because they got to know me. And they found out I am an awesome person who is willing to drop everything when they need me. These friends were persistent in keeping me as a friend. They also learned when I have emotional break downs that they are REALLY bad. When I cry I get mad at myself for being weak. When I laugh it isn't because something is funny... it is because I am hiding my pain. When I do cry it is due to a break down because I hid all of my anxiety, my pain, my worries, and everything hits me at once. And that causes me to hate myself for showing weakness. I find crying a weakness and promised myself since I was 9 that I would never cry in front of anyone ever again.
If anyone is confused about why I find crying a weakness my parents were not really parents to me. My mother ignored me for her abusive husband and only yelled at me and screamed about how big of a disappointment I was, my step father only referred to me as stupid or I was going to ruin my life and get knocked up at a young age, my father didn't know how to be a father and that led to more yelling,ignoring, and even depended on me to be the adult.
I am really screwed up but I don't know how to fix it. I am finding it is hurting me more than helping as well. I know a lot of things but I am so distant from emotions and social skills that... sometimes I don't know how to be human. I don't know how to accept failure is apart of life especially when your whole youth was being trained that failure was not an option for me. And the funny part was I was grounded for every F I ever made and no one bothered to help me. So I had to train myself to deal with a learning disability that made learning so very frustrating and practically impossible for me.
No wonder I am like 7 of 9. I wish I could be as positive as everyone else who grew up in a crappy childhood and say "I was spanked, yelled at, and put down and I am fine." Because the truth is I am not fine and it is a battle every day to try to fix myself. But I do it so my son won't have to go through it as well.
Comments:
yeah Manuel gets embarrassed around me when I talk. The way I talk to people is like Bones from the show Bones. I just blurt it out and when people call me on it I am like "what? but it is the truth."
Some days I am ok and I can do some emotional support but then I mess it up and give the person facts... and not everyone is comforted by facts.
My husband also wanted to point out that I laugh when I am nervous as well or uncomfortable in a situation.
Welcome to my world!!! I think it is Asperger's... maybe we are just *real* and others are not...
lol you know my mother told me I might have aspergers because a doctor told her a long time ago that I have all the symptoms. But she told them to stuff it.
Good lord my list of things to check on is climbing!
Speaking of Aspergers... have you heard of that new movie Adam? It is about a grown man with Aspergers.
I agree with mtn. I have Aspergers as well, and I find emotions eternally frustrating. Yes, I have feelings, but I have difficulty sorting them. I have no real patience for the feelings of others.
I do think it's more difficult to be a woman with Aspergers than a man. We are, by nature, kin keepers, and are expected to have a filter, and be adept at telling lies to keep others happy.
I didn't hear of Adam until you had posted the link. I saw "Motzart and the Whale" a few years ago. It's about a couple with Aspergers. Sadly, I believe it was poorly done.
That is how I feel all the time. I don't have patience for other people's emotions. And I do have emotions but they just frustrate me because I don't know what to do with them.
I still run to my son and hug him but when he is overly emotional I just shut down and walk away or I yell.
People want to hug me and I get anxiety attacks and I move away from them if I don't know them. I don't do very well in large crowds and I am always looking down at the floor because I don't looking into people's eyes.
Let me rephrase that:
People I don't know want to hug me and I get anxiety attacks and I move away from them. I don't do very well in large crowds and I am always looking down at the floor because I don't like looking into people's eyes.
I would suggest, if you're curious, being evaluated for Aspergers. I will warn you, though, that finding a doctor who works with adults on the spectrum is difficult.
I am currently looking for a new doctor, and am having an incredibly difficult time.
Maybe i should get checked too. Like momma halo said, if my kids are sick and crying I comfort and hug on them. i have this bond with them that their emotions don't annoy me. But everyone else I'm just sorta like, "Really? can't you juts get over it?" Which is odd since I myself suffer from depression. If anyone other then my kids is crying I'm normally, not always though, just solid as a rock and don;t care. I feel bad for them but I don't want to go and hug on them or anything....I have to force myself to do it. Sometimes I don't want to feel my emotions because they get so extreme like instead of being annoyed I get really pissed off. IDK, maybe I'm just strange.
- Cymbeline
- How awful that a Dr. wouldn't want to work with you because your on the spectrum. Something needs to be done about that asap!
hugs mama
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