What is wrong with me?

[motherof6inaz]

Ok here is the thing, my husband started working as a trucker, and has been on the road for awhile now, On tuesday he came home, I was so happy to see him, I hugged him like there was no tomorrow, kissed him till his lips almost bleed....on day 2 I was upset, a bit mad, I was resenting him home... on day 3 I was a little more loving, since his stay was almost over, Today day 4 I hate him, I want him gone! Ever since he has been home, he as been attentive, loving, charming even, but for the life of me, I can't help wanting him gone.  I been picking at little stuff, and making him mad, he keeps saying he can't wait till he leaves, this of course makes the kids sad, and  I hate seeing the look on their faces, but I truly want him gone! I even asked him today, to no be home at all tomorrow( Saturday), he asked me if we ( the kids and I) wanted to go some where for a drive, or movie, or to the swapmeet (flea-market)....All I could say was I been with you for the past 3 days still want more....What is wrong with me? I mean the time he was gone, I was in tears missing him, couldn't even sleep....and now he is here being the man I  have always wanted, and I want him gone, I know something is wrong with me, but what?

I keep asking myself if I love him, and that is out of the question, I love him to death, but why don't I want him around? I sit here while he sleeps, trying to figure it out... ask for advice, anything from anyone, and yet writing it don't take this bitterness out, this discomfort with him, Ok some of you might ask, has he been cheating... NO he has not.... have I been cheating ....No I have not....so that is not the reason. Could I be trying to make this departure less painful on myself, or try to be mad so hurt wont over come me? I don't know, but I need to find out, someone out there has been or is in my place, how did you deal with it? Dose this ever go away? Is it just me? Wtf is wrong with me? *tears fill eyes, slide down on cheeks* I need answers fast. He was supposed to leave tomorrow, but some thing happened is will be with us a bit longer than planed.....I need help ASAP 

 

[unsuspected]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 3:23 AM

It sounds like a self preservation tactic ... like you said.  It is easier to be mad than to be sad or lonely ...  I think you do really love your husband and the feelings you have right now are just like you said, trying to make the goodbye easier.  Trying to make the time away OK. 

I've never been in that situation, but it sounds like you still have one day left with him ... even if it hurts, allow yourself to feel and remember how much you love him.

[drgnfly77]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 3:50 AM

Honestly I would sit him down and tell him what you just wrote.  My best guess is that your kinda pissed he is gone so much now and taking it out on him a little to much.  It sounds like this is something you don't want to ruin and really I would just sit him down and let him know your sorry and you don't mean to hate him like that but that's how it comes out.

[NannyB.]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 6:57 AM

I think you are suffering from anger and resentment, probably due to the fact that when he is gone, you feel abandoned and have all the responsibilities.  Then when he comes home and is kind and loving, your inner pain simply turns to animosity toward the one who has caused you to hurt.  We are really good at hiding our emotions, even from ourselves.  If you believe in prayer, that's what I would do.  I would ask God to help me overcome the anger and to heal the cause.  If you don't believe in prayer, I'm not sure how you can overcome it.  Being honest about all of it to your husband might be a big help.

[JHall]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 7:03 AM

My situation was kinda like yours,   Only difference is that my hubby worked 4 days a week 12 a day on the third  6p to 6 a  he would come home go to bed and wake up about 4:30pm to get ready and start all over again.  He had an hours drive to work.  Well  I didn't see much of him on his working days but  when it came down to him being home the first day was spent sleeping cause he just worked 12 hours so the days off were more like 3 and a half.   The second day I was happy and by his last full day home I was angry and being mean to him.  Thankfully he figured out why,    I had a love / hate relationship with his job,  I hated the fact that he slept so much hated the fact that I didn't get to spend time with him and really hated the fact that it left my and our daughter home alone.  I love my hubby but his job made me angry alot.  I can't sleep without him here so I end up on the net late at night,  like now  I haven't slept yet.   I think you might want to look at the pros and cons about the job and figure out what it is that is making you angry towards him,  you never know it is probably the fact that the job is taking him away from you,  like my case.   I hope you find something out soon cause that feeling sucks big time.

[sati769leigh]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 7:23 AM

aww honey!! first of all he is a trucker and not home much, so YOU rule the roost. to have him come home is almost an invasion of YOUR territory. so i am thinking there are some feelings of resentment that you handle EVERYTHING while he gets to "escape" with work thenhe comes home and maybe he steps on your toes a little without meaning to?

but the bigger thing i think is you are doing what someone else previously said. self preservation. you miss him SO much that having him home is painful becuase it is only a few days and he will be gone again. it is easier to "miss him" if you are mad at him than to miss him while gushing with love for him. does that make sense?

is this job worth this pain for you both? isnt there something differnt he can be doing to be more at home and an everyday partner to you and be more with the kids? this has to be so hard on them. I admire truckers for th work they do. its a lonely life of sacrifice. but maybe it is not for your family?

[motherof6inaz]

Oct. 26, 2009 at 2:51 AM

Ty ladies for the great advice and for listening to me, I have a lot to talk to him about, and see if we are strong for this type of work. i will keep you posted,,,, ty once again :)

(Original Poster)