Month 3 of Hoping

[peaceandlove628]

Dear Sweet Little Baby,

Oh, if only you knew how badly I want you!  Another month of trying to make a baby, and we failed, for the third month in a row now.  I know that you will come in your own time, and I'm hoping that it won't be too long from now.  I wasn't surprised at all this month... even though I wanted to be pregnant more than anything, deep inside I really knew I wasn't.  Finding out for sure that I wasn't I guess at least was a relief because then I could stop waiting to be disappointed, BE dissapointed, and just get on with it. 

I wonder if I will just KNOW when I am pregnant?  I wonder if I will suddenly feel a change inside of me and know that I will never be the same again.  Your Daddy and I talk about things we will do when I'm pregnant, and when you are born.  If I'm pregnant on Christmas we're going to hang a teeny, tiny stocking for you on the mantel.  We're going to tell my Mom first, and then his, and then everyone!  We know that we want to use a midwife and have a home birth, because we don't want doctors taking over.  We have a room waiting for you, and a small collection of baby clothes in the attic.  I even bought you a little Santa suit!  We have read all the books, researched the safest vaccinations, talked about names, and what car we should buy when you are born.  But these are the easy things for me to think about and talk about.  There are other things that (for my own emotional wellbeing) I have closed myself off from thinking and feeling..... because if I do think about them I am afraid that my heart will burst with longing to see you and hold you and just have you be real.

But now I feel like I need to think about them..... so the aching disappointment inside of me can change to hope and anticipation. 

Fuzzy pink socks on little itty bitty feet, underneath which are even pinker toes, wrinkly and soft at the same time.

Holding you to my chest while Daddy lays next to us... both of you sleeping.  Watching your Daddy sleep and knowing that we created this most perfect baby.

Snuggling you on the couch and looking at the Christmas tree, after you've just taken a bath and you're all cozy in pajamas.  Reading you The Night Before Christmas.

Reading to you the books that my mom read to me.  Seeing a baby girl who looks so much like my mom... and thinking about the craziness of life folding over and repeating itself like a beautiful and achingly sad circle. 

Taking a walk and showing you flowers, trees, animals, cars, people, the sky... everything.

Coooking dinner while you play on the kitchen floor, emptying the contents of our cupboards and Daddy is playing music and having a glass of wine and telling me that we need to go out soon... just the two of us, and I look at you and think that I want nothing more than to spend every minute with you.

I can see these moments so clearly in my mind that it's like I have lived them before, and am just remembering.  I look forward to this in a way I'm sure many women have.  I feel like I already have a bond with you and you are not even created yet!  It's unbelievable to me how much I want you.  I can't imagine the euphoria I will feel when it happens.... I just hope that it's soon.  I know you will come in your own time Sweet Baby. 

I love you already, Your Mommy.

[auroragold]

Oct. 24, 2009 at 10:43 AM

Hugs to you - and "baby dust"