It's a real struggle sometimes....

[v_clar]

There is so much on my plate. Sometimes I have to question whether that old saying is true or not, the one about how God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Sometimes I feel like I will break into a gazillion pieces and never ever be put back together.

Add to that the fact that I am angry with God. I question why my family has to go through so much hardship. I question what it all means and I question why me. I'm mad that it's MY son that has to have cancer, why MY hubs is disabled, why MY daughter doesn't get to do/have everything I'd like to be able to do for/give her. I want to know the purpose and plan that God has for us and He's not telling and I don't like that at all.

So today I struggle, not with my faith, for I do know that God is holding me up and walking me through the valley of the shadow of death. I KNOW this and yet I'm still mad at Him. I KNOW He will give me what I need and not necessarily what I want, but darn, can't I have a couple of little things I want too??????

And the real kicker is that I don't want to be angry anymore I just don't know how to let it go. How do I do that? I know that the simplest way is to get into the Word and pray and I do pray, but it feels just like I'm just not being heard. I feel a barrier around my heart and I want it gone, but how do I deconstruct it?

I am sad and my heart is heavy and I don't like it and don't want it anymore.

[ironkitten]

Oct. 25, 2009 at 11:36 AM

Prayers to help your prayers here

[rjacob2008]

Oct. 25, 2009 at 12:40 PM

Im so sorry your heart is heavy....Lean on those around you that bring you joy and laughter

[AliaBailey]

Nov. 4, 2009 at 2:50 PM

Your feelings echo my own so much of the time.  I have my faith and I know it is the only thing that is holing us together and yet...  Some times I feel very alone.

Week before last in church we were singing I Am A Friend of God.  When we got to the part that says

"Who am I that You are mindful of me?  That You hear me when I call..."

I started to cry (I am always a fountain in church these days!) because sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.

I know that is where faith comes in!  I believe and I praise even when I don't feel it because God's goodness is not based on my feelings but on who He is thank goodness!

God knows that we are human and I think he expects us to grieve as humans.  Check Job!  Don't guilt yourself!  Guilt is Satan's weapon against us!

I totally know what you are talking about when you say it helps to spend time in the word.  Me too!  And yet that seems to be the first to go when things get crazy!  Monday I had a good talk with myself and decided that I must spend time with the Lord every day, no matter what!  Also I must make a conscious effort to make myself praise instead of focus on my fears when the emotional walls start to close in!

As far as God not giving us more than we can handel is conscerned, true confessions, I have wished so many times that He would give me more than I can handel.  Then I could lose my mind and escape this night mare.  Sometimes it seems unfair that God gives us almost more than we can handel!  At the same time I know that His plan is perfect and that He is refining us with fire so that we will emurge pure gold!

This is just what God has been teaching me these last few weeks.  I hope knowing I struggle with some of the same feelings might encourage you!  Blessings from a fellow Cancer Mom.