Undefineable! Day 29 i'm thinking

[Dannille33]

Undefineable, speechless, worried, frustrated, at wits end, confused, mixed up days, close minded, and un easy.. This are a select few of the words that I feel each and every day.

I thank God for the good days, and the bad days. With out the bad days I might not look forward to the good days as much.

What can I say that I haven't already said? For so far I have felt, sad, and expressed all the feelings one can during a time like this in their life. I know that still I should not care that others read or find inspiration in what I write .. Yet knowing it does keeps me writing on here anyway ( as for my personal journal I have to write in it) it also gives me hope. For many it is hard to understand and for others it is understandable.

*deep breathe*

Well the past few days have been again ups and downs. My mother in law showed up, it wasn't as bad as I thought. She did stay longer than I wanted, yet I delt with it. Then as the night lingered on my daughter decided that she was going to take a walk in the dark. Go figure my heart sill pounding from the MIL being here and this happends. She did come home after stressing about it she had fallen in a corn field and gotten lost a bit. Thanks to God she found her way home. That night was such a chaotic night let me tell you.

Sunday went ok for the most part in the day time. I tried to teach my daughter to crochet but I just didn't have the patients for it. Then I decided to break out the sewing machine and make some pillows. It's been about 12 yrs since I worked one so it was hard figuring it all out. lol My kids thought it was funny watching me reading the manual and then figuring it out. After the first pillow was sewn I started to feel the nerves and the anxiety. I am not sure why? First time I felt like this was when I push mowed now the sewing machine. How strange yet it drive my mind, and my body in to a feeling of anger and nerves. I took another med my second dose for the night but the feeling was to high and I didn't feel the med. It wasn't till I got the kids in bed and the house became quiet. Then I started to feel a calming fill my body. Don't get me wrong the nerves were still there just not as bad. The darkness and the quiet of the night seem to make everything come together and I can collect my thoughts once again.

It seems as if I hate the day time. The time when chaos builds slowly in the house from the micky mouse in one room, and the country music videos in the other. Then here I sit as the subtle music plays, the piano instumentals I love so much seem to ground me a bit and calm me.

Yesterday was terrible.. but not as bad as it could have been. I thought since my husband was off I would be able to take some time for me. I was mistaken... I woke up and then cleaned.. I had to take my pill and shower and pick up my son at preschool and then came home. We didn't do much as all. As he watched his programs I researched this nasty disorder and I felt as I read that I was that person they were talking about on all those sites. I could see what my doctor was saying, this is me now .. this is Dannille with GAD which is Anxiety out of control .. I had no idea except from what others had told me they had been through or heard about.. that stress, anxiety and panic could be so bad for your health.

This opened my eyes and as I tried to get more indepth with reading it started to become afternoon. That meant the kids were home and this is when my day seems to get bad. Around 4 pm the bus pulls up then they enter the door I go from a number 3 nervous state to an 8 at that moment they come in. Then between 5-8 pm it just gets higher and reaches 10 .. I have tried different things yet nothing works. They say make the hardest part of your day better, change it around. I am trying to figure out how. My kids always get so loud and then I tell them to tone it down, then they go to their rooms for homework, after that it's supper time an hour later so again it's loud, and I am going nuts inside. I tell them again to tone it down. I feel that's why after supper I just pick up the dishes and clean up and then go lay down. It's like my body has to regroup, and they then find a movie to watch. Last night between the lound talking, and my husband with his Mash rerun turned up as loud as an 80 yr old man.. Well I had to get out and walk. This is another one of my coping skills so that I can refrain from anger .. So I take a walk in the hay feilds (mind you I am allergic but it was close) lol.. Anyway it helped.. I had a massive breakdown and talk with God. I am sure he is listening an watching and knows how much I need to find peace and not only in the night. The rest of the night went better and I was very glad.

My mother has decided to come today, she told me last night. I fell apart abit with her on the phone. I will worry about her travel here she just got back to her self again after her health was poor. My step father decided not to come with her although I begged. I think he isn't ready for my mental state gosh knows it's hard on everyone around me. My mother reminded me of that last night. She told me that although I am going through this I need to remember that my kids are suffering and my husband is suffering. I feel a bit selfish because I have thought of them and others all my life. Putting others before my needs always. I have always had to be the stronger and now I am the weaker and I want to focus on what I need so I can get better. I was also reminded by my husband and mother that going places with me isn't something they want to do not if I drive. They each road with me 4 months ago when this all first started and no meds. Well I freaked on and they are scared for life. So my mother says to me that I need to go with her to the store when she gets here. I told her I have to drive she says no. I cry and break down I tell her I am not myself. Perhaps that is the reason for her visit to see how real this is.

Ok .. so next I am doing to the doc today. I have decided to fill out some check lists from online and print them out. This shows depression, and panic, and anxiety. I have some questions a friend helped me with along with some of my own and some triggers and other info. I am going in planned and prepared this morning at 1030 am and I hope to come out with some answers and maybe a raised med or a med that I have to convince myself wont hurt me. I WANT TO GET BETTER!! I will get better too.. Just watch me! So... I have a HUGE day planned and a house I need to get tidied up.. ugh So I am off. I will keep you posted about the doctors visit.. and my mothers visit..

Have a blessed day.. and laugh, smile, and enjoy life while you can....

[Lb128f]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 10:55 AM

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I hope the Doc visit goes well (and your Mom's visit too)! Can't wait for the update! How about some ear plugs for the afternoon...if it's the noise/chaos that "gets" you maybe you can lessen it some...or an Ipod with piano music?? Good Luck!!!

[carrie24]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 9:39 PM

I sure hope the Dr visit went well & the visit with your mom was good! You are doing really well my friend, just keep going!!