A letter to my Father

[paganbaby]

A childhood that was supossed to be filled with happy memories,

now lay still as an infant corpse,

and what should have been a loving home, instead was a brutal war zone.

you`ve hurt me in ways I cannot begin to describe.

phisically, mentally, and deep inside.

you`ve humiliated me in public, degraded me for the world to see,

expression was never an option.

In front of you, I could never be me.

A whore, a Bitch, a Slut.

A title you gave me to wear,

A worthless peice of Shit,

these things an innocent should never have to bear.

you strangeled my dreams, then slowly murdered my soul.

Till I was nothing more than a zombie, wandering in my own dead cold world.

you forced me to wear a mask, not to let anybody in

I was hurt once before, I promise never to be hurt again.

But now my tears have dried to dust.

My hardened heart begins to melt

now, for so many years, I`ve been alone

Hiding from my pain, hiding from myself.

age 14

[NannyB.]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 1:16 PM

You don't have to hide any longer.  You can come out now and be the person you were made to be.  Your heart can become soft again and you can be a woman of great worth.  You have the opportunity to prove that your father was altogether wrong about you.  You are a beautiful young woman and you can be whole again.

[paganbaby]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 1:22 PM

Thank you. You made me cry, :-)

I just found that poem up in my closet. I was unsure if I wanted to post it. Now I`m glad I did.

(Original Poster)

[maidn]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 2:50 AM

I'm glad you did too ... who your father was and the choices he made in life have no reflection on you as a person. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul ... so sad your father couldn't move beyond his issues to see that . 

[CA1960]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 3:06 AM

I am sorry.

[Lb128f]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 3:38 AM

I truly hope your life is much different now. Your writing at 14 years of age is exceptional especially for someone in so much pain. I hope you are still writing now. I think journaling can really help to release many feelings. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[donzgurl]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 3:59 AM

wow.  i am speechless.  brings back horrible feelings.

[Trust_HIM_Ps57]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 4:40 AM

HI... I wanted to say, you are not alone!  I've felt that pain as well... I know about masks, and hiding all too well!  You are not alone, because although those who should have loved and protected you, did not... there are people who truly care! 

Thank you for sharing your writing with us... I hope that you will/have found peace and healing.  It's yours for the receiving!

HUGs! 

[zbee]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 7:18 AM

It sounds like your breaking out and being the woman God intended you to be. Shame on your father. Don't make his problem yours. Your bigger and better than that. But, I do know how you feel and just reading it makes me hurt. Bless your heart hon, you can and will turn this around for the best life and person you can be. Big hugs hon.

[Momma_Halo]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 10:05 AM

I was there at 14 too. I didn't start feeling better about my life until after 6 years of being with my husband. I am now 27 and barely telling people if they don't like who I am then I don't care. My father, mother and I are now getting along and have been working on our relationship. But it took forgiveness for me to get there. I didn't want to forgive them but at the same time I didn't want to hold that anger in me forever. 

The part that started it all was my parents were being their typical self in putting me down and bringing up the past crud I use to do. And my son who was three walked up and told them "Stop being mean to my mommy!" When I saw that I knew I needed help to fix myself and fix this relationship. I swear my son is my strength sometimes. And my husband is my anchor. 

[twinpicks]

Dec. 23, 2009 at 11:32 AM

Unfortunately some fathers never stop hurting their children.

Mine died last year suddenly and I suffered for 5 yrs prior to that uncovering Pandoras box! Today I know my father wasn't as bad as my mother and as a result the rest of my life I'll be paying for his wrongdoings as a parent. But I have chosen a better father for my children and their mistakes have made me a better mother and more attentive to my childrens needs. 

Check out my recent Journal post!  It says it all .

Sometimes putting things down on paper heal some wounds and help us come to terms and accept others, enabling us to put the past behind us!  Good on you for carrying on!