Feeling a little..... Glum

[Dannille33]

Wow, what a insteresting last journal post I made.

I am saddened not by what today brought me, nor the visit from my mother. Not even the doctor appt that I had today.. Fact is they all went great. My mother is still here and I am very glad for that she not only allowed me happiness that I must needed in seeing her and knowing now that she is indeed well, she also made me feel the comfort that I needed to feel. I believe only a mother can give a child. We she is still here and has ordered me to have some ME time. Thank goodness .. My husband on the other hand has been acting strangely wierd. He has slept alot that past two days and I am not sure why. 

So you ask if I had a great day why could I possibly be upset. Well when I first started this journey I came to find that others had also had this disorder and that we were all coming together to share out stories. I have talked with a few mom's and get to know them better then I did. I also respect them and all they have been through. What paths they have chose meds or natural healing. I have also talked with some that have given great encouragment but I feel that perhaps this Journal should now go strickly to the pages in my personal journal. Why? Because though this has helped me I feel it is not helping others anymore. I feel that perhaps it isn't full of drama and my progress shows in that of the past journal's and isn't as interesting, or perhaps mom's feel that they go through it why read it. If I were reading these I might feel the same if I wasn't the one writing them. Though at times I include some good idea's and I try to show they is hope. So .. I don't think that after this journal entry I will continue to share. If you know me then you know I will update you in a message on here.. Otherwise .. to those that lost interest I am sorry. My life is what it is and I have been through so much and today I made a HUGE breakthrough to a scary part of my Journey.. Now it really starts to begin!

You see when you have this disorder it usually starts from something perhaps in your past or way back in your past something you didn't think bothered you. Something that you thought you had put behind you only to have it haunt you with out notice. I found out my real trigger that started all my other triggers to this HUGE monster of a thing that took over my mind, my thoughts, my life. This was something that started at my young age of 5 and as I have aged has been a part of my life yet I haven't really thought it had.

During my appt I asked alot of questions, I also shared with my doctor all that I had found in research last night. She was impressed and was happy that I had took it on my own and ran with it. I told her that I had also researched a few anxiety drugs. I found that zoloft was one that seemed to have little to no side effects and is used by millions. After talking with her about this she thought it was great that I was ineeded thinking about it. She wrote the prescription and I filled it. I told her it might take me a while to take it but I do know it takes weeks before you feel and see a change. I of course am on just enough to help but not enough to effect.. That's what I like :) Now my Klonopin was raised. I was told that I could take alot more than what I take and if I am having one of those days .. to take what I feel I should one pill or maybe a pill and a half.. she also stated that yes the at first it does make you sleepy but it doesn't keep you that way. You will get over it! That was a plus and what I needed to hear. It was great to sit down and have a plan of action against this nasty beast.. I am armed, thinking positive and I am focused on taking it down.

As far as my day with my mother .. things are going better than expected. When she came I was just getting home from the doc. I wasn't sure if I could go with her anywhere .. but decided to try it. Of course I talked her in to letting me drive. I told her that the last time was a bad drug reaction. I mean 5 panic attacks in less than an hour. So she went with me and we went to a few stores. I got a little nervous but wasnt to bad. . I worked through it and yes I had my klonopin on board. So that was a huge help. She and I came back and talked and then she took my son to another store why I cleaned my house. I also was able to just hang around though it felt strange. I haven't felt a little nervous tonight, mainly cause my husband is being strange .. he didn't leave the house like he was suppose to, so he could help his dad. He spent all day in bed. If I am dragging down I don't know how to stop. He wont talk to me. Soo I dunno. GRRR men.

Ok so there was my day, my appt, and my time with my mom....

It's been nice to share my story.. and I know a few of you still read it. I am sorry I'm kinda of selfish wanting others to read about my good days and bad days.. but really it's not about that. It's about knowing that there are mothers out there that go through this and just like I did push it aside. Till it gets worse and worse. Then it takes over your body, your mind, your life. I have read journals that state parts of what I say. I wish I could have reached more mom's. We all need someone to talk to and support. I mean our men unless they have been through it will never get what we go through, and never get this.

So from now on.. I will be just writing , perhaps a few poems, thoughts, here and there...

Hugs and loves all you lovely mom's ....

Dannille

[Lb128f]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 9:37 PM

I'm so glad you had a productive day!! GREAT news from the Doc, about going out with your Mom and about your Mom's visit -- in general. You are right....there is NO love like a Mother's love and I am glad you were able to enjoy her love to you today! I'm sorry your DH is being funky...maybe he is getting sick...so many people are lately? I hope not...maybe he just needed some "down" time? I hope he will feel better soon! I'm really happy that the Doc was helpful and encouraging! Yay!! I understand you wanting others to read your journals and hopefully get some help..but, I've noticed even with lots of friends...very few actually take the time to comment. :( So, it has NOTHING to do with your writing or the subject matter...well, I don't think so anyway! :-) I like reading your journals. But, if you really want to help others I'd encourage you to find OR start a group on here that is devoted to others seeking help for the same...you know? There would already be people looking for help and you may even get more feedback in a group?? IDK...just a suggestion. Either way...I like reading what you write and hope you will continue...but, if not I also understand why not. Good Luck!! I do think you are well on your way to healing yourself! Don't be shy about the meds...you know we've discussed this :-)...they were made for a reason...utilize any and all opportunities for help!

[carrie24]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 9:50 PM

Hey there,

     I think what you have done through your journals has been a blessing, even if it has only been to just a few people. I understand the need to feel like you have helped someone, I have that need everyday. I am so very happy for you that your Dr appt went so well & that the visit with your mom has been so good. Having your mom's love & support always makes everything feel so much better. Please keep your personal journal entries, it is so important for you to do that. Try to keep us posted on what is going on with you, I for one would like to know how you are doing, I care about you alot!!!

Love ya my friend!!!

[burkemom]

Oct. 27, 2009 at 10:39 PM

[kristine2012]

Oct. 28, 2009 at 9:11 PM

I am so so happy for you! Going to your doctor armed with information, that always impresses them! When they know you are serious it takes it to a new level. I think your journal has been encouraging, raw & truthful. Just the way it should be to help others. I also think you would be great at running a support group here on cafemom. I went to several on my own and unfortunately, no activity, no current posts & when you get hit with this disorder and looking for support, you want activity & you want it now! I love your writing and I'm glad you are now being proactive in your wellness. You're very dear to me & I am thrilled to hear you had a wonderful visit with your mother and were able to get out! Your journal gave me chills... :))