So it goes, as does life!

[Dannille33]

First off thank you for your comments, and for your again supportive words. I know that you like to read how things are going. I guess I just wanted a bit more from others, maybe someone that like me felt all alone, confused and all. It's a way that I can feel needed, and yes I know my kids make me feel very needed. LOL Who's kids don't right? 

Fact is I miss working, I miss helping others, and I just miss helping period!

So here's the scoop, My came yesterday and I was pretty calm. I Thank GOD SOOO much I believe that walk in the dark in the hay field the other night along with the in depth prayer to God helped. My mother my conforter she helped as we.. To see her well, and laughing.. It made me feel what I had miss feeling .. her love upclose and not long distance. The phone can only get you so much of what you need. Love  from a mother to a daughter/son..

Last night I stayed up though a few slight tense moments because I didn't want to go to bed early as I would usually. I didn't want to miss time with her. I am going to fight even harder to see her now.. Why? Cause I missed her just mins before she said Goodbye! You see we all have regrets in our lives.

Yesterday I my doc and I came to the conclusion that I and something that had eaten me up for 30 yrs. It kepted eating at me and the more I burried it the more it just kept trying to become part of my life. This my friends/fellow mom's is what Sexual abuse does to a person. I have done all that most people have from forgiving, trying to forget, moving on and ect. Let me tell you for some reason my sub consious will not let it go. So this is what I am working on. Along with a few other things another not allowing things to eat at me, bug me, and accepting that I cannot answer everything, and I need to ask for help. I cannot change the world, but I CAN change the way I look at it and the things that are in it!

Ok, so this morning my mother and I talked. I felt what I shared with her might have hurt her in away. I hated that! I hated that I was sharing with her all that had haunted me throughout my life. Something that even today prevents me from having a normal marriage. She cried alot, and I am sure perhaps they were tears of guilt, yet I tried to convince her no matter how she parented me. She was not to blame. Life sometimes throws things at you even if your a child or a teen. You sometimes take that risk and learn from it or the mistakes made during it. I made so many mistakes and have also learned from so many things. Life is what you make of it yet life makes you!

After we talked we hugged like no other! We have such a love and respect for one another who knew when I was a messed up teenager trying to gain attention and ending up in the homes of others.. would my mother and I be this close! This goes to show you that there is always HOPE. Even if your children/teens dont seem to see things your way, and give you trouble perhaps they even seem like nothing is ever enough. Know in their heart of hearts that they do love you, they only push your buttons because they like that rise they get out of you. They love to mess with you and make you made. Why cause they know no matter how much they push you, or walk all over you, or make you as mad as mad can me. YOU WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM!

OK, so my mother left just shortly before my therapist appt. My 4 yr old cried so much and asked home come his grammy can't stay longer and how come she can't live here. I am not sure why but when she is here. Things just fit toghter and feel so right! Even my husband can feel it he seems to talk and laugh more when she is around. It's as if her presents just is so calming that we are all in comfort. When she leaves the feeling lingers for a while and days later it is as if she wasn't even here.  When she left I tried not to cry, but between my son and her how could I hold back. It's sad to see your loved one go, and it rips your heart out. As for me it only makes me want to fight this so much harder. I cannot let something like this keep me from seeing my mom.. NEVER!

Therapist... Well, fact, I wasn't nervous or shaking this time. I believe he was impressed by this. I know I was.. lol I had a few bats of anxiety light ones.. We talked and I had told him of my 6 days without the med. He was shocked. He wanted to know how I did it and I told him.. Positive words, I wrote them all day long, and read them, re read them and would re read them again if I needed to. He thought that was great! I told him that I had talked to someone that had been through her share of pills and had tackled this on her own for once and she survived. I told him though I was upset when to much hit me from the bats with the school and such I had to breakdown and take the med. I told him that I wanted to keep that panic feeling away. He told me that you can retrain your brain to overcome that with out meds. Until I know more or feel more comfortable perhaps I should wait on that. We went over my triggers and different things that seemed to cause the anxiety and panic feeling. He handed me some coping skill sheets and he was very pleased to see that I had researched this. To him this said ... I was accepting there was indeed stress and anxiety there and that I was ready to gain back what I had lost.

So after an hour and some sheets, and a very very good session. He and I parted ways. Oh, I did ask him if there was a hotline to call incase I needed someone to talk to. He gave me the name and said we  would talk more about all that next session. I was bummed when he told me it would be 3 wks instead of 2.. grrr Oh, well I have my doctor if I need to talk and I have my pen, and paper. Along with friends whom support me. I am sure I will do just fine. Today I felt like I had came so far .... I came home and actually made supper, and I ate with my kids. I am still up and it is past 7 pm. Normallly I would be at the pc.. not wanting to make supper. The kids would be loud and upseting ... causing to much stimulation, and I would be forced to go to my room and just collect my thoughts. Today I wasn't nervous but a bit, anxiety didn't rule me... and Ya know what... Today my mother said when she was here to my husband.. "she sounds like the old Dannille" lol .. That means alot! So there's my best of the best in days .. I have had so far and I will remember this day! I will not allow myself to live in fear because I am bigger and better than Fear! I am DANNILLE! LOL And I will beat this!

Here is a song I heard right before I had my doc appt .. I had to grab the name and the singer. It spoke to me. right to my heart..!Sorry the only one I could find of it starts off a little crazy. Oh, and here is another one that spoke to me on the way back home to see my mom .. after she got here.. I hope you listen to their words.. God bless.. and thanks!

HUGS and LOVES friends!!!

[carrie24]

Oct. 28, 2009 at 10:07 PM

I am so excited for you & so glad that your day was so good & that you had the breakthrough! It is all so very important & shows that you are going in the right direction! Keep writing your positive words,keep taking your walks,keep talking to God, & keep writing in your journal!!!

[Lb128f]

Oct. 29, 2009 at 12:05 AM

Wow...great post!! I'm happy that you had such a great visit with your Mom and with your Therapist too. How cool!!! ;-) I hope you will be able to see your Mom more often...it sounds like she is a real pleasure to have around! I hope tomorrow is a great day for you!! Thanks for the update! Love the music!!