Lonely, My Vent!

[MeAndMine87]

 For those of you who don't know, I have mild depression, diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder. I am the second daughter in my family to be diagnosed with this.

Generally I can deal with the depression because I keep my mind off of it by hanging out with friends or family but like tonight I am alone! I hate being alone...more than anything else I loath being alone. I mean, sure, there are times when its nice to be alone but lately I've been alone far to often and when I am alone I tend to start thinking about bad days and things that have gone wrong in my life.

In June 2008 I was discharged from the U.S. Army because of physical (and the depression) issues. I found out during my two years in the service that I have constant pain because of bursitus in both my hips and repotellar femural syndrome in both my knees. I recently (now more than a year after discharge) have been diagnosed with bursitus in my left shoulder and possibly in my right shoulder. I have arthritus in both my hands (worst thing possible since I am a writer).

The biggest problem with having these different medical issues is that I have PCOS or Polysystic Ovary Disease. I didn't know this until just recently, but if any of you have checked out my page you will notice that I have twin daughters and a son...all were miscarried around 14-16 weeks gestation. I was lost and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't carry a child to term. It added stress to my BPD depression. My best friend Ray, who has been there for me through all the hard times in the past 4 years (he is the father of my 3 angels) usually doesn't get upset with me about things but the depression was getting to me in a bad way. I was so lost because i had no answers for anything I was going through. He hates to see me so upset and hurting, he cares for me a lot. He held me after each of the miscarriages and held me through the daily/nightly pain.

I finally was diagnosed with PCOS this past summer and in addition to the PCOS I have a tilted uterus. Both of these issues are strikes against me getting pregnant and although I am waiting as patiently as possible for such a miracle it is hard when so many of my friends are getting patient and having babies. But I am strong and can pull through this too.

Here's the clincher...I'm only 22 and the doctors tell me that my physical problems will make me feel at least 60 or 70 years old so I am a 22 year old and look 22 on the outside but inside and when it matters I am living in an old womans body.

I don't know whether I am writing this because I need support with it or maybe because there is someone out there who has a similar story to me that needs to hear that she is not alone. I only hope that this makes a difference for someone!

Thank you for listening to my vent!

~*~*~*~ God Gave Us All Weaknesses To Make Us Stronger!  I Hope Someone Can Benefit From My Message!  ~*~*~*~

[Tam_n_Fam]

Oct. 29, 2009 at 10:11 PM

I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time, I suffer from depression (though not diagnosed from a doctor).  Sometimes I have good days and sometimes bad.  My husband is also very good and does his best to understand me.  I have dealt with problems too, different from yours...I know I can't take your problems away but sometimes it does help knowing that someone goes through terrible times too.  If you are having a rough time being alone you should check out some of the great groups out in cafemom.  Some of them can really get your mind off of problems.  If you ever need to vent, feel free to stop by my page and let it out :)