It's just a diagnosis...

[clairandamjones]

The diagnosis was not at all a surprise.  I'd known for years that my son always seemed to be the one child in the crowd who was in another world, not quite in tune with what the other kids were doing.  He never was able to stand in line and wait his turn, for anything, at any age.  He wandered away from the group, whatever group it was, easily and often.  He never completed arts and crafts projects; his craft at preschool was always the one with the single scribble down the center of the page.  He didn't seem to get the concept of team sports and had a hard time participating, so he'd invariably end up wandering around the edge of the field or simply sitting on the grass and studying the blades.  He would occasionally get in trouble at school for bizarre and impulsive behaviors such as throwing a handful of bark into someone's face.  And by the time he completed kindergarten, he was still unable to write his name easily or legibly. 

When the problems persisted into first grade and caused him to begin falling drastically behind, I finally realized that I could not continue to hope he'd "grow out of it."  He probably would, of course, but how long would that take?  How much of his education would suffer?  And how battered would his confidence and self-esteem become?  I hated the idea of subjecting a six-year-old body to stimulant medications, but it became painfully clear to me that I had to try something.  The supplements, behavioral techniques, and dietary changes I was providing at home were not going to be enough to help him through his early elementary years.

So when the pediatrician gave me an official diagnosis of ADD and started talking about Ritalin and other medication options, I was not surprised.  I had done my homework, and I already knew what choice I would have to make.  But knowing that your child is "different" from the other kids is not the same thing as being handed a three-letter label and a prescription bottle that will help him to fix it.  Nothing could have prepared me for the gravity and the fear that I felt at that moment.  And ultimately, the main reason I wanted to try him on medication was because I've read so much about what happens to ADD children who don't get the treatment and support they need.  They often grow up to be adults who have a hard time functioning in society, who have issues like relationship problems and job instability.  And when I read about ADD kids growing into socially challenged adults, I immediately think of my husband's multiple issues and vow that I will prepare my son to lead a more successful life than his dad; but when I think a little deeper, my son also bears a lot of resemblance to his mother.

I saw it when my son came home from first grade, early in the year, and said that when his class got "choosing time" (which he couldn't quite explain), there was no one who wanted to play with him.  From somewhere deep inside of me, a lonely, awkward little girl ached bitterly.  I see it when the teacher tells me that he can't complete his classroom assignments, and I remember the particularly nasty second-grade teacher I had who somehow felt justified to scream at me in front of the entire class because I "refused" to do my math homework.  I think about how difficult it was for me to grow up as a social misfit who had a hard time making friends, and how I was always convinced that I was just "too stupid" to be any good at math or science--even when I really wanted to be.  I think about what a horrid teenager I was and wonder how my mother's extraordinarily high blood pressure did not literally cause her to explode.  I think about the first time I fell in love, as a young adult, and about the devastation that I felt when the relationship that I believed would last for a lifetime disintegrated in little more than a year.  I think about how impossible it was for me to find another meaningful relationship in the many years that followed, and about how I ended up getting married to the first non-drug-addict who took an interest in me.  Then I think about how much it hurt when I finally realized, years into my marriage, that the real reason I lost my first love wasn't because he left me, but because I didn't treat him with the respect and love he deserved.  And I think about how that younger version of me didn't have any of the maturity required to hold a relationship together, even an incredibly loving one, and how maybe, just maybe, if the first eighteen years of my life hadn't been so disastrous, perhaps the subsequent eighteen years wouldn't have resulted in me waking up one day to find myself living in an unfulfilling, troubled marriage. 

And then I think of my son again.  He's at school right now, but I can see his face in front me; his shining blue eyes filled with questions and wonder about the world around him, his gorgeous full lips pouring forth with imagination and excitement and enthusiasm, his tall-for-his-age form bouncing across the house with the all the energy of an Olympic gymnast (but without any of the coordination).  I think about how badly I want him to enjoy the fleeting moments of his early childhood and how much it would hurt to see his vibrant and creative spirit begin to crackle and splinter under the challenges that a first-grade classroom presents him with.  And even though I'll never be completely sold on the idea that stimulant medication is a great idea for a six-year-old body, I can see such drastic improvement in his behavior and his accomplishments at school already that I know I'm making the right choice, for the moment. 

It's just a diagnosis, and not even a surprising one at that.  But it carries with it the painful failures of my past, the uncertain and sketchy territory of my present, and the limitless hope of my son's future, all in three little letters. 

My son has ADD.

But I will not allow ADD to have my son.

[RunninRagged64]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 5:00 PM

I have a 16  year old who has severe inattentive-type ADD.  Fortunately, today there are all kinds of avenues you can take to help your son.  The right medication made a world of difference for my son, who struggled for years not feeling worthwhile and getting bad grades.  I knew he was brilliant, but no one else did. 

I encourage you to keep up with his teachers, develop a special education plan for him (either an EIP or a 504) so that the school cannot enforce their often tyrannical rules on a child who should be given a little bit of leeway. 

You have the life experience to know what he is going through and that is going to help him so much!

[GPSGKR]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 5:34 PM

My son has ADD.

But I will not allow ADD to have my son.

This is beautiful...and it sounds like you on the right journey!!!

[MemaSu]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 6:22 PM

Good luck. There is challenge enough is raising our children well- the added stress of a learning disability means that You need support too. Contact your local area ADD support groups- they can give you an understanding ear, sympathy & coping ideas.

[Woodenvelt]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 6:33 PM

I agree entirely with your last statement, AM. I got a little teary eyed, even. I just understand so well what you are going through. I have the same confidence in you that I have in myself. You know how to stand up for him and look out for him and he will be a success because of that.

It's a fight that never ends even as they go further along in school. As we are moving away from the lower elementary grades, it is getting harder for Dair. It is as if the traditional style of classrooms is specifically set up to work against, him. It is this very thing that inspired me to go back to school for my teaching degree.

You are the sort of mom who will be your son's champion, always. You can do this, and so can he.

[0Jenna0]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 8:26 PM

I wish you much love, and big hugs AM. And, I wish your son endless success!!

 

[ErikaRobin]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 10:18 PM

You simply amaze me.   That was beautiful and true.  You speak to so many with your writing, AM.  I'm proud to call you friend.  Samuel is a lucky boy.

[gypsysmiles]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 11:11 PM

Oh AM, that is beautiful.

I was that ADD kid.

[penny4j]

Oct. 30, 2009 at 11:56 PM

You have an awesome attitude! This made me cry! I am also still a lonely, embarrassed little girl inside, who got laughed at frequently because I would get nervous and say words in the wrong order. In my brain, they were in the right order, but I guess it was 'verbal dyslexia'. On top of that was all the problems of ADD: extreme distractibility, fidgety, & mental chaos.      OK, moving on now....

 I love your attitude about this. I have two grown children with ADD now. My oldest son will graduate college in Dec. with degrees in Chemistry, & Math. He was on Ritalin from 4th grade to high school, and it helped a lot. But he decided himself to "see if he could make it in HS without meds." It was rough at first, but he found the self-discipline that I lack, and did great,(graduated HS with honors,& 2 college credits from AP courses). 

Sorry this is so long! You're doing great and he will too because his mom believes in him!

[momof2jmms]

Oct. 31, 2009 at 12:05 AM

God bless you mama and your son too. I hope for you and your family to have a wonderful life. Blessings

[BrTupac]

Oct. 31, 2009 at 12:40 AM

You just made tears come to my eyes.  I was that kid with ADHD but I wasn't treated until 9th grade.  My 2 yr old son has ADHD and when he starts school we will most likely medicate him.  I know how hard it was for me and don't want him to suffer.  Some people just don't understand.  By the way, I know 2 yrs old is young to be diagnosed but he unfortunately has extreme problems and I'm scared to see what it is like when he is older.