Would I change anything?

[v_clar]

This is the question that has been running around my in my head for a couple of days now so I'm thinking I need to answer the question.

Would I change anything? Would I change any aspect of my life today or even yesterday?

Quite simply the answer is no. No I would not change one single thing. Not a year, a month, a day, an hour, a minute or even a second. Now the question is why wouldn't I change anything? And that isn't such a simple answer.

I was given up for adoption, I lived in a house with parents who loved me although their idea of "motivation" made me feel as though I was never quite good enough. I became a drunk and an addict. I had abusive boyfriends, I didn't know how to love anyone especially myself and I was guilty of everything.

I married a man I didn't really love because I was afraid no one else would want me. Needless to say that ended in divorce in less than two years. Thank goodness we had no children. But I think that was my first turning point.

Shortly after I got divorced, I got sober. I stopped the drinking and the drugs..all at once, completely. Yet I was still "not good enough". No one was able to convince me otherwise.

I met my now hubs and after a year of friendship, I took a vacation and realized that what I felt for him went way beyond the friends stage, luckily he felt the same way. We married 3 months later. He is sober as well which helped.

We moved around a lot, had two kids and a lot of problems. Our marriage was so rocky and splintering badly when circumstances stepped in and we grew stronger. He was becoming abusive due to anger issues and I had him arrested. He "saw the light" and sought help. No he did not come home immediately, it took a long time and therapy for all of us before that happened but it has never been that bad ever again. Now he has learned how to handle his anger issues (stuff HE had to deal with from his past) and I have learned to say no more.

Life was good for awhile, then he lost his job. We ended up moving to where we are now thinking of the bright future we had. Boy were we wrong and yet so right.

Six months after we moved, doctors found a mass in his head that had no business being there. No not cancer but bad all the same. Three days after the mass was found we found hope and the bright future we were needing. We found God. Didn't realize yet that He had been there all along but that would come.

After having his mass removed, hubs is disabled. Our son gets into major trouble and then a few months later I get a cancer diagnosis. We not only survived these things, we thrived. We were happy. Yes, happy. Don't get me wrong, we went through all the negative emotions, like fear, anger, the why us, etc. We just had faith that everything would be alright. And it was.

Again, life was happy and looking up. Sure our son wasn't living at home yet, but he was getting close to coming home. His medications for ADHD, Bi-Polar, Autism and other things were working and he was becoming such a good young man. Then it happened.

My beautiful baby boy was diagnosed with cancer. So yet again we go through the negative emotions and yet we have hope and faith. We are happy. Happy our son is again home where he belongs, happy his cancer is responding very well to treatment, happy our family has a church family who supports us and outside friends who are wonderful.

Through my faith and beliefs I have learned that no only am I good enough, in the eyes of God I am perfect, even with all of my mistakes and imperfections. He made me, He knows me, He knows where I've been and what I've done and where I am going and what I will do. He KNOWS and loves me no matter what. I am learning to rely on His guidance and trust in His will.

It's kind of like having Jiminy Cricket giving suggestions to Pinocchio. When Pinocchio didn't follow the suggestions things went horribly wrong but Jiminy Cricket was always there to help straighten things out.

So today I am happy. Life is far from perfect. Life is far from fair. Life is.....well it's life. I work hard with my family, my friends AND myself. There are still days when I ask "why me?" or "why us?" I can even be angry at God but...I am happy because I have faith that this dark valley has an end and there is bright sunlight and beautiful meadows on the other side. I can't wait to get there and yet I will continue to walk through the darkness with my God leading the way and giving me strength, even when I go astray and try to do it my way, my God is waiting patiently for my return.

Today is a good day, even in the darkness.

[shell81]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 12:21 AM

[Ewadun]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 4:32 PM

[AliaBailey]

Nov. 4, 2009 at 2:55 PM

Wow!  Your testimony is such an encouragement!  How awesome to see where God has brought you.  The Bible promises that

"Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

I am excited to see what God has in store for you and your family!