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Signs That You Married A Loser...(Funny & TRUE)
- Oct 31, 2009 at 9:06 PM
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- Comments (18) Total Views (926) Everyone can see this journal post.
My ex, or G. for short has a philosophy of life that is quite simple "Get by with doing as little as possible in life". This philosophy extends into ALL areas of his life -- including housework, job, school, social relationships, parenting, fitness, etc.
If you are trying to "slow down" your pace of life, take some tips from G.! Here they are. They are guaranteed to mire you in mediocrity for life!:
p.s. -Sadly they are true!!!
1. Fitness - What's that? Why bother doing sports when you can just sit in front of the TV, drink beer and watch NASCAR? I believe that fitness should consist of getting up , going to the refrigerator and getting a beer then sitting back down the watch the race. Results will vary however, you should notice a beer belly develop quickly...
2. Career. Get a low level retail job. Make sure you stay there even if your wife gives you $5000.00 to go back to school and get a degree. If you get other offers, turn them down even if they offer you more money. Never look for a better job. Oh yeah, and make sure you believe the lies your boss tells you about "turning the company over to you one day". Even though you are just a clerk at Radio Shack, give yourself a fancy title like "VP of Daily Accounts" and make sure you throw your title around and tell everyone how "important" your job is and how they can't function one day without you. Tell your family that it is a "hardship" for you to even take one day off of work and mention something about because you are trying to find a cure for cancer at your job.
3. Parenting. Make sure your wife changes all the dirty diapers, takes kids to all doctor and dentist appts. (see #2 if you need an excuse as to why you can't). Tell her that she needs to look after them even during your days off. Criticize and berate your wife's parenting skills constantly. Tell her that she reads too fast for the kids, can't keep them clean or organized. When she finally leaves you...then move see #4.
4. Marriage. If your wife divorces you, now is not the time to get picky! Get remarried to whatever you can - (a possum unfortunately doesn't count!) - FAST so you have some money coming in! You never want to live alone -- you need someone to help you spiral out of control financially. So I say make sure to marry BENEATH you. That means, go out to the nastiest, poorest, most drug ridden part of the city and find the first fat, ugly, meth head you see. Good looks and personal hygine are way over rated anyways. Tell her that you will give her a REAL HOUSE (not a trailer) and let her buy a REAL BMW. She will fall madly in love with you because you will be the first guy that hasn't beat her senseless or kicked her out of her trailer this week. She will worship the ground you walk on. Just make sure she can do some sort of work to help support your lazy a$$.
5. Finances. If your first wife from a wealthy family divorces you, then you have no option except to spiral out of control financially. At first this will be disconcerting, but then hey, you can just blame that 42K is credit card debt on your second wife eventually! Try to mooch off of as many people as you can - including your boss , friends or whoever!
6. Education. If you have to go to a college, make sure Go to someplace that you will be guaranteed to never get you anywhere in life. Start out at a place like "The Music Business Instituite". Tell people that you really aren't into education because you are waiting to be discovered and get your big break someday. Tell them that education is for losers and that as soon as you are "discovered" you will be laughing all the way to the bank. Then get a job for a nobody doing nothing while you are still waiting to be discovered (ahem 20 years later...) If your wife (now your ex) gives you money to get a real education at a university, as a good gesture, show up for the classes, but don't bother studying or even passing your final exams.
7. Housework. Mow the lawn and take out the trash -- and that's only if your wife is pregnant. Even if she is 7 months pregnant, make sure she is working in the yard, planting trees, digging holes etc. Otherwise make her do everything including tiling the backsplash, installing new light fixtures, landscaping, and remodeling the bonus room. Make sure that you are doing something IMPORTANT while she is busy with these tasks, such as watching NASCAR. In between painting and mowing she should be able to still bring you some beer while you are watching the race.
8. Driving. Make sure you drive everywhere all the time and make sure to drive like a complete idiot. When a cop pulls you over make sure to act like you are right and he is wrong. Cops love this. After all G. knows how to drive better than anyone in the whole world.
9. Socializing. Unless Nascar is involved, then it's not happening. Attending son's cub scout meetings are acceptable since the den leader is a nascar fan!
Tags: divorce, funny, loser, marriage, parenting, ex-husband
Comments:
Great post! Hilarious!
wow. Hmm if you are this lazy why int he wolrd aren't they hustlin. My ex was this way except as soona sI came home from work he had to hustle to get sepding money. Yeah no real job.
Wow! We were married to the same man, right down to the musician part. Sad that there are this many jerks in the world.
Lord, woman, how sad this is true. How even sadder many moms will find their "soul mates" from this batch for even a little while. Kids deserve better.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I almost married one like that...glad I didnt...lol
sounds exactly like my soon to be ex...lol. Glad I wised up before dd was too much older
Sounds like my daughter's father. In fact, other than substituting NASCAR for "whatever sport is in season" it would be him word for word.
I see a lot of similarities in this and my DH. He wants me to support him (right now I'm a SAHM). He doesn't want to watch the kids. If I let him he'd have me do the mowing and changing the oil too (he's tried to get me to do it before...and I know him very well and once I start doing it suddenly it is MY job). I'm hoping he get's his head out of his ass.
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I think you described my ex husband. Within a few months of me leaving him, he found some chick to move in with him and called herself "Mrs. M_". She came from $$$. Married before our divorce was finalized. She emailed me a few months back, going out of her mind because she doesn't know what to do anymore since he has made her life hell. She chose to stay with him after finding out their marriage had no legal standing.
He'll find himself someone new within no time, if and when she ever leaves him. He cannot live alone because that would mean he would be responsible for taking care of a home, something that would never happen. He belittles you if you disagree with him, and makes it out like he is this poor victim in everything that has ever gone wrong in his life.