Living through child molestation and abuse.

[ChristianBabe87]

OK so as many stories of abuse that I have heard about I thought I would share my story in hopes that it would let people know that you can live after abuse. Even years of abuse.

My Story

As a child I can remember crying every time my mom had to take us back to our dad (as he had custody), I knew what was waiting for me after she was gone. It may not have been the day she brought us back but soon after it would all start again. My personal space would no longer be mine it was his now to do with as he pleased. He was there to get his thrills regardless of how it made me feel. The worse night of my abuse was when I had my friend spend the night with me( mind you I'm a small child and didn't think he would do this) Then I saw him invade her space as if it was his as well. I felt like the worse friend in the world.

All my life going to school I felt like I was the ugliest kid in the whole school and that I was not as good as the rest of the girls in my class. I knew I had to go home at the end of the day and there he would be waiting for some more thrills. And if I dared to beg him not to then he would keep me home and not let me go to my moms (where at least I was safe for the weekend). And when mom would fail to come and get my brother and I it was one of the worst feelings in the world because I knew that I wouldn't get the break from the monster dad that I had to face.

One night getting ready for my mom to take me and my brother back to dad the next day. I was crying telling mom that I didn't want to go home(this was just my normal behavior to her bc I did it every time it was time to go back) Then my brother just gave me this look and said you know we dont have to. I will never forget the look he gave me and the tone of his voice that night. Because I know that if he would have never said that I would have probably suffered much more abuse as I got older. It was then I knew what had to be done. I broke down and told my mom what was going on at dads. That night I just couldn't stop crying nor could mom. She couldn't believe what her 11 year old daughter was telling her and I was just so relieved to have such a dark secret removed off of my shoulders.

The next day mom took us to dss and told them that she was not taking us back and it was a long day at dss, lots of questions and reliving what I was enduring for all 11 years of my life. Well mom did get custody of us and life was going good for me for the most part. I was still and am still to this day scarred from what he did to me. I have no self esteem and lots of other issues as well.

I had to start a new school and a new set of friends. That was hard bc I felt myself as an ugly not lovable or like able person. I did manage to find a group of people willing to accept me as their friend. That I will forever call my friends. One is the person I'm happy to call my kids Godmother.

However there were still the issue of going to court and that lasted for a long period of time. Well before having to go to court my mom met this guy we used to know and was telling him how she had custody of us and that he should come and see us. Well my step dads niece actually called this same guy to come to our house and have a few drinks and he did. She wasn't much older than I was and she got mad at me because the guy she wanted kept talking to me. He kept telling me to call him when I got 16 and before I knew it I was dating this guy and he helped me to deal with what my dad had done and all the damage that he did to me. He was amazing at just keeping me calm and reminding me that everything was going to be OK. Well I was 14 at that time and while things seemed normal enough, there was still the problem of me feeling ugly and not having any positive thing to say about myself. I was as thin as a stick and had nothing pretty about me at all in my eyes. He never seemed to care that I was ugly, he said I was beautiful and always had the right words to say. This was the one and only male that could get close to me and that I would trust. I was even afraid of my doctor that was a male, eventually mom got me a female dr because I couldn't handle the male. Two years later I was 16 and my mom found a new man and was leaving the city. I demanded that I stay with my amazing boyfriend. Well she let me move in with him bc she knew he would take care of me. We ended up getting married and he was still supportive. We got pregnant about two years later with our oldest son and life wad doing great he was due on my 18th birthday. He ended up coming 3 weeks early. When he was born I wanted so bad to breast feed my baby because that was best for him. Well when I tried all these emotions came flooding back and I could not get past the abuse my dad had done to me. I was so angry at myself that I let that stop me from giving my baby the best. Then 7 months later we found out that I was pregnant again. Soon we would have our youngest son. Once he was born I was even more determined to breast feed. I was successful for a while but when all my help disappeared and it was just me and my babies bc dh was working and going to school so he was hardly ever home. I could not figure out how to balance a 14 month old and breast feed a newborn. So I stopped breastfeeding. Life was going great.

I still can not see myself as an even remotely pretty person but I try not to dwell on that. My dads actions have impacted me for my entire life. I have had problems loving my dh in ways people would never understand. As far as loving him with my heart and soul he has every bit of that. However loving him in a sexual manner I cant give him the best that he deserves. He has wonderfully accepted my failures in the bedroom. Our marriage has faced road bumps here and there but we are both fighters for our love, our family and each other.

As far as my dad, well actually he never paid any kind of price for what he did to me. We actually talk still and I have found it in myself to forgive him but I will never forget what he has done to me. He has a new wife and even two new sons. I love those kids and live in fear for them everyday. When they spend the night I'm looking at them and looking for any signs of abuse that I suffered, because heaven forbid he touch another person I will go ballistic. I'm hoping and praying that since he has a wife that will happily give him all the thrills he needs that he will never touch another child. Our relationship is one of yes I will talk to you but you will never be alone with me ever again or my children.

My point in writing this is to let others know that no matter what cards life hands you, you have the power to make it a better life. You can move on, yes it will hurt and scars will always stay deep but you can do it.

Please if you are going through something similar or even suspect that a child is being abused in any way shape or form please push hard to help them.

I will always be open to anyone who is being abused and will have a listening ear if needed.

[sunnipatch]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 4:10 PM

you are a beautiful person and i hope you are able to find that inside yourself thankyou for sharing your story! if you ever need to talk im here for you i appreciate you being a great friend to me always god bless you!

[Ktbodin0479]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 8:26 PM

We all have our own beauty...and I for one know you are a wonderful beautiful person inside!  And this is what really counts...thank you so much for sharing your story!  You were one brave little girl for letting your mom know what was really going on....do praise yourself for that!

 

[mylovex0306]

Nov. 2, 2009 at 10:57 AM

Thank you for sharing your story. I am also a survivor of childhood abuse and molestation. I suffer from severe anietxy attacks, depression and PTSD. I've learned to take it one day at a time. Props to you for sharing your story. I haven't gotten to that point yet. Maybe someday...

[ChristianBabe87]

Nov. 2, 2009 at 3:04 PM

mylovex0306

You will one day find peace. One day at a time is great. If you need a listening ear from someone who has been there just send me a pm. I will listen to you and even cry with you if need be.

(Original Poster)

[sugarbug75]

Nov. 2, 2009 at 10:12 PM

I am a survivor  myself. I have found the will to better myself also. It was great to read your story. I know how hard it is to get to that point. I admire your strength to forgive your abuser. After 24 years I still can't do that and probably never will. You really are a beautiful individual. 

[Mama_McD]

Nov. 3, 2009 at 3:19 PM

You are Beautiful, inside and out!  You are an amazing person and a great mother and wife and have many things in your life you can be proud of!  I know it took a lot of courage and strength for you to share your story, I hope that writing it down has helped you heal a little more and will help others who read it.

Love & Light!

[HippyLove]

Nov. 11, 2009 at 5:08 PM

Hi... I read your post and I'm sooo sorry for what you went through.  You are a very strong woman.  I was abused to growing up....but I'm not here because of that, my concern right now is my son.

I ended up at your post cuz I was looking for support..  Sometimes,,, I get a feeling that my bf's dad has hurt my son..... I've had talks with Pat about this, and now we don't leave our son with him at all.   I won't let anyone watch him he is one of the few, and I think he has hurt him.  I'm so mad at myself for trusting him.  My bf is having a hard time accepting the notion that his dad would do anything to our son and every now and then makes comments about me being crazy,,,, but..... he is doing what I want and not leaving our son alone with him.   I don't think he can handle thinking his dad could do something to his son.  Because of this,,,, I am heartbroken and sooo discouraged.  I know he has hurt Jude on purpose,,, I'm just afraid he had done more when we aren't aroundl...... like molest him....    I need some support.  I'm glad you are here for me to write this note..... thank you for being there.  Thank you.