All's well, That ends Well... :)

[Dannille33]

So last night was last night.. putting that behind me and moving on things do get better. I often wonder if people acutally know how much of what they say helps or hurts someone. This is all I am going to say.

Moving on, when I started on this Journey back to me.. I never thought that I would have a good day, or good days that would turn in to days that would make me proud. When I became this way I had nothing but anger, negitive thoughts, and frankly I thought to myself no one can feel as I do. There is no way that I can get through this. As I look back the only comfort I felt was a dark room with no noise.

Now I feel comfort from family and friends, don't get me wrong I get frustrated most days because I feel this way or that way and they cannot see anything .. or feel anything so they think I am just making this up. Well, they use to anyway after I really got bad and just looking like I could care less with the futuristic outlook.. Well they started to wake up a bit.. There are times I wish I could for one second give them a glimpse of my mind, my feeling, how I feel on my bad days.That wouldn't slove much though they would only have that feeling for a few mins. Not days, months, or years as most of us have.. with this disorder..

Ok, so when I found some ground to this disorder I decided that I would make a goal sheet for me. Not just for therapy but one that I could see , and aim towards.

My first goal as many of you read in one of my journal entries was being able to take my son out without getting upset or yelling. I completed that goal complete with a picture of his smiling face after spending a few hours together at the park, out to lunch and to the store. It was a great day and great feeling.

My next goal was to travel with another adult. It seemed if another adult got in the care I would tense up and would become scared and panic. Four Sunday's ago as you might remember I told of how a good friend came and I photographed her family and that went well, I also drove her to town and was nervous though I made it. It was another goal completed.

Then then I was able to drive my mother around last week when she came. I was nervous, yet positive talking and thoughts helped me along with my med. It was a great visit and I was happy while she was here..

Today I completed two of my most important goals. One being able to go somewhere with my family.. and the other going to Church. I can't been able to do either in over 4 months. Today I woke up and just knew today was the day. I went and took my med, showered as a calmer as well and then dressed. The kids were actually great, and my husband seemed to be ok. As we left I felt a few tense moments in the car I would say out loud I CAN DO THIS! over and over.. I am STRONG enough .. The pill helps but it's the fear sometimes that still lurks. My husband offered to allow me to go home and take the kids but I needed to do this for ME..For my FAMILY.. I have to know that I am not going to die and that I must fight my way through this.

Well, I did!!! I am so PROUD of ME.. Proud to say that I went some where with my family, I even made it to chruch were people had wondered what became of me. I wasn't able to go all the way in I was pretty much in the lobby though I could hear, I sang, I prayed.. I WAS THANKFUL! This shows me how far I have really came, and how much hope there is that I can do this. I am still only on 3/4 of a .5 klonopin.. and I am not on any other meds. I dont' feel I need them .. as I told the doc and the therapist.. If I need to start the Zoloft I will, if I need to raise the Klonopin I will.. but right now I have to do this as much as I can with out alot of help from a med. To know that I have accomplished so much since I got this way I am so Happy with me.

The support, from all of you, the friendships, and the prayers have helped. They have shown me that if you fight, you can make it through anything..

Of course I know this was the ultimate good day.. and tommrow could be good or bad.. Today I am happy, I feel free, and I feel proud.

This is what it is all about mom's with stress, and axiety.. it's about winning even if it is just one day.  Completing another goal... Knowing you can do it.

If we all support one another we can all live as normal lives as we can. I said to another woman/friend today at chruch.. you know I didn't know how stressed I was till it over came me, and consumed me. You have to be careful you have to listen to your body. She told me she was glad I reminded her of that .. cause she could feel stress filling her up and seeing what it has done to me opened her eyes. That's what it's all about.. It's all about making others aware, and taking time for them.

Well, it's be a wonderful Sunday and though the fear still lurks in me and the nerves still tugg at my pant leg ...I have come to learn it's just part of being me now...

By the way if you haven't joined my group .. STOP! Letting stress, anxiety, and panic control your life.... and you are feeling stressed or panic , or anxiety .. but it hasn't yet become a huge problem for you .. please still join. Maybe seeing what others are going through might help you... You dont' want to allow it to consume you...

Here's the link....

http://www.cafemom.com/group/107780

sorry ... firefox wont allow me to make it clickable go figure.. lol in my past journal WOW there is a clickable link this one can be copied and pasted though...

Well happy Sunday all .. and God bless..

Remember what you do today can change the world tommrow...

Dannille .. :)

[carrie24]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 6:14 PM

What an exciting day for you! Kepp going, you are going to make it through all of this!

[Lb128f]

Nov. 1, 2009 at 10:09 PM

Beautiful!! I'm proud of you too!! Woohoo....that's great!! And, how cool that a friend from Church realizes more about herself because of you...you are helping others! Yay for you!! Hope tomorrow is a great day too!

[kristine2012]

Nov. 14, 2009 at 9:22 PM

yea for you! I am so happy for you! I have been MIA, lots..not good stuff going on here..but for you i am thrilled...