I know many will probably string me up for this post, but I have noticed a lot lately in passing conversations, internet chats, message boards, and other social situations that when a woman shows sadness of the birth experience she had, or expresses some kind of dissatisfaction of her treatment, emotional, or medically, many people look at her as though she has 3 heads and then the famous line always comes….
“At least You have a healthy baby”
Which is kind of like adding insult to injury in any woman who has
had a bad experience. Just open that wound up and pour the salt right
in!
I never really thought much about this subject until I started feeling
the effects of my first birth experience, and really learning that I
became victim to the factory style maternity care system that most
hospitals have in place. I was young, uneducated on hospital birth, and
thought my Doctor knew everything! Which landed me in a cesarean
section, which in turn caused emotional distress and trauma, when I
finally realized what happened. It did not happen right away. It took
me months. For the first couple months after my son was born, I was
fine, schedule all my kids, elective cesareans, no big deal. Then one
day, as I started to read more, learn more about inductions, pitocin,
and the hospital I birthed in, it all clicked. Something went seriously
wrong.
I started searching for some kind of support, a mother who went
through what I did, but I could not find anyone who had a cesarean,
that I knew, who felt like I did. Everyone was fine with their
experience, everyone threw the healthy baby line out, looked at me
strangely when I spoke of my experience and the hate, betrayal, and
mistrust I felt. I was an odd ball.
I found myself on an internet forum speaking with women who had also
given birth in December of 2007, we had bonded over our pregnancies,
and now were supporting each other in our post partum periods, and as
we moved further into parenthood.
I expressed my feelings about my recent birth experience, which by this point, my son was about 3 months old. I got the same reactions, healthy baby, blah blah blah, then one woman chimed in about something called ICAN. I started searching to see what it was, who these women were, and I was welcomed with open arms. Women who understood my hurt, who knew that the healthy baby outcome was not all I should focus on, women who had been where I was, and got through it!
It is hard to take those emotions and put them into words.
Of course I am grateful for a healthy baby, a beautiful, healthy, bright, warm, loving little boy.
But the mothers emotions should always be taken into account. You can
love your child, without loving the way that they came into the world.
In fact, when I look at the experience myself, I separate his birth
from him. It is the way HE made it into the world, but it is not what
describes him, it is not who he is, and my negative feelings from what
*I* experienced do not have an impact on my love for him, and taking
care of him.
I came across an article written by Shelia Stubbs, which described fantastically a great comparison.
There is one other very special event in a young woman’s life to which I have tried to compare the act of giving birth: your wedding. It is similarly an emotional rite of passage involving your close relatives and friends. It’s also expected to be stressful but a happy time, and one that will certainly change your life. Now imagine after all your planning for the big day, on the way to the church you are involved in a car accident and have to spend the day in the ER.
To your surprise, the the ER nurses don’t really seem to care that this happens to be your wedding day; after all lots of people get married, and lots of people get in car accidents. They agree it’s unfortunate, but it’s the marriage that matters, not the wedding. They see this every day and think you are being ungrateful for their services and imply you are being rather selfish a bit of a baby!
It is amazing how point on this is.
Let’s compare another situation.
Can you imagine if someone spoke to the victim of sexual assault and
said something along the lines of “At least you are alive and healthy”
can you imagine the kind of reaction that would get? The complete
hysterics, and put downs the person who made that comment would
experience?
Many women who have experienced a birth trauma, have been compared to
the survivors of a sexual assault, and most are referred to rape
councilors after their experience, because of the similarities in the
experience, and therapy.
All in all.
I just ask people to be more compassionate and understanding when a
woman expresses her negative feelings regarding a birth experience.
Healthy baby or not.
Your words may do more harm than good!
http://blog.ctnews.com/elwood/
