Lacking Motivation Again

[chela17]

I hate how I have so many goals and I can never get to acheive anything. I feel like I will never go through something that I really want to do. But then again, if I really wanted it so bad, wouldn't I have already reached one of my goals?

I really want to lose weight. I can't help but feel so shitty about myself. I have heard many times that I should just accept myself right now. I should just go ahead and be comfortable with the way I look. I mean how can I? Honestly, I have nothing but good looking girls around me. Their bodies are very fit and it's not even that they try to be that way. They are just naturally thin with curves and good size everything. No, they are not single women who have yet to pop out a baby. These are women who have had about 3 kids and nothing has changed from how they looked when they were teenagers. I want that.

I sit and think about how despressing the pictures look of me and my DD. I will look back at them and she will probably be like wow Mom you did not even make one effort. I mean I am 21 now. Supposedly my body will never be as good as it is now, in my youth. I will never get to experience how good it felt to be 21 or anything like that cuz I have all this fat piled up on me. Seriously, I want to feel that my husband is hugging me because I look sexy not because we get into a fight and that's the only way he will come near me. He cheated on my this past June so that most definitely motivated me to move on and get with the program. We are still together and have been going to marriage counseling. Things have been better but with that came a downfall. I had lost a good amount of weight, but when September came I started feeling comfortable again because our relationship was a lot better. I don't want to go through it again. I don't think I will be able to handle going through another cycle of feeling helpless because of all this weight.

Of course,  I gained all of it back. I am so ashamed of myself. I really am. I was doing so well and now I can't seem to stop binging. I want to get back to the workouts, but I can't seem to squeeze them in anymore since I have picked up 2 extra hours at work each day plus the 45min-hour drive home, which is good for more income but now my routine has been all wack and I can't seem to get much of anything to motivate me. I need to get to this again. I need to do it. In the beginning of the summer, I was so sure I could have done this by my 22nd birthday (which is in April), but I am not sure if I can do this especially with the holidays coming.

I need to find a way to do this. I just need to reach for it and not give up this time. It is so hard. Especailly since I have a saggy stomach that I did not take care of after I gave birth. I can blame it on the fact that no one told me about how to take care of myself...no one gave me advice...but then again that would be another excuse added to my list.

I really just want to feel beautiful. I want to feel good about myself.

[sati769leigh]

Nov. 2, 2009 at 3:38 PM

feeling beautiful, feeling good about yourself comes from inside of you. you are not happy because you are placing those value on your outward appearance. Your hubby cheating on you had nothing to do with your weight unless he is a totally shallow DOG. and you dont sound like someone who would have married that kind of man. Honey if you dont start placing value on you for YOU on the inside, you will always be miserable even if you were skinny as a rail. every woman is different in how their bodies react to having had a baby. stop measuring yourself against other women.