An Open Letter To G.

[AquaGirl33]

G., I know what a bad mother I am - and I am writing you a letter because I wanted to say that you are absolutely right!  I think it is time I accept full responsibility for the misery I have caused you in your life.

I am the cause of T.'s ADHD - that's right.  You were right all along! -- It was solely because of me.  I didn't discipline him enough or hard enough as you said.  Heck, it was probably just my bad genetics that had something to do with it because I know in your absolute perfection, it could never happen.

I am also responsible for your financial ruin and I accept full responsibility.  Yes, you see, I was standing there with a gun to your head while you charged up 25K on your credit cards after I divorced you.  I know, it's all because of me.  What can I say?  Your new wife says that it is because you constantly have to pay me child support too -well, guess my secret it out...by taking you to the cleaners for a measly 740.00 per month I guess it's my fault you are living so close to the edge.  And B.J.'s new BMW - yeah, I had a gun to her head too on that one...ooops. Part of my evil plan to destroy you.

While we are at it, I want to absolve myself from all future blame for your misery, so I am going to just blanket everything in this letter so you can never point a finger again at me for all of your problems.

I was the cause of your mothers ovarian cancer and I am the cause of all cancers in this world.  Yep, that was my doing and I accept full responsibility.  Messing with cells all day and turning them into cancer is hard work but someone has gotta do it---might as well be me.

I am responsible for all the pestilence, famine and disease on this planet, period.  I am unmatched in my  abilities in this area, plus it looks good on my resume.

Wars?  Yep, that would be my doing.  I singly handedly brought down the Incan empire, Roman empire, etc. Just you wait until 2012.....

Crime is my little creation too....Just threw that one in there on a daily basis to give you a headache.

Oh yeah, rush hour traffic?  That would be my fault too...I love to just really piss you off with all those cars in the morning and evening.

The economic crisis?  I am proud of that one.. I worked really hard to single handedly bring down the American economy.  Great work if I do say so myself, not that I am bragging or anything...

All the evil written about in the Bible?  Well, some say that is Satan, but  let's just put that rumor to rest!  Me, me me!  I want all the credit!  After all , you blame me for everything, so I might as well just pony up and accept responsibility for Sodom and Gomorrah, Eve eating the apple, the snake in the Garden (yeah, it was really me - busted again).  I just wish they would get my description right in Revelation for once! sheesh - is it too much to ask?

I am so happy to finally get this out in the open!  G. I know you are perfect and can do everything perfectly.  You should NEVER accept responsibility for anything because nothing is ever your fault because you are perfection!  Please, you don't  need to keep blaming me for all of your problems, I have accepted full responsibility now.  I know now that nothing could EVER be your fault!  I only wish someday I could be like you...but alas, I am doomed to a life a destruction and making your life miserable.  Well, ya be good at something.  Speaking of which, I better get back to work!  Today I need to work on mass murderers, corrupt politicians and animal cruelty.  Whew, I got a full plate!

Well, back to work and enjoy your blameless, perfect day!

 

Tags: ex husband, divorce, funny, letter, blame

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