Searching within myself - Airing out Dirty Secrets.

[lostsoul0586]

I am not really here to connect with other moms.  I have an account that is accurate.  This is my "fake" account on here.  I need somewhere to just write thoughts and feelings, get them out in the open some how...but at the same time not getting them out in the open. 

If people feel to comment, ask questions, give advice, respond, that's fine.  I really just need a place to think. If something doesn't make sense, I can try and explain it better.  I am going to be writing this as my feelings and thoughts come.  So it may be confusing at times.

*** I'm feeling more lost now than I ever have in my life.  Is it just part of growing up?  Or  have I truly lost my sense of self.  I chuckle at the thought that I may have lost myself.  How does one lose one's self? 

I feel like a failure.  I am hiding behind a mask for the world to see.  I have created this perfect life for others.  I have created this perfect life to make my friends, family, the world happy.  I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the person I am looking at.  I have no idea who I am.  The world views me as a Mother, Student, Fiance, Best Friend.  I am only some of these things.  Most of these I would of failed at if the world new the truth. 

Being a Mother:  Yes I am in fact a mother.  The world views me as a great mother.  My family and friends don't know how I do all that I do.  I was and am a young mother.  People always tell me that I am such a good example.  I do what's right.  My child is so good and I should be proud. 

I am very proud of her.  I however am not proud of being a mother.  I don't believe I have don't anything to be awarded such a title.  I gave birth to a very smart, independent child.  I don't feel that I have had an impact on that.  That is the way my child was born.  I didn't create it. 

Being a Student:  I was a full time student at my locate college up until a few months ago.  No one besides my fiance knows I have since dropped out.  I don't know why I even did.  I just didn't have any motivation to go to classes.  Not that I don't want to go to college.  I want to go back to school so much.  I love school.  I just hate my current home life.  I was not getting any help with studying time and all that.  I just decided it was too much work.  I lie to every who asks how school is going.  They all think I am still attending.  I have created this perfect life and cover it with lie after lie and keep my self so far away from people that they never tell that I am in fact lying right to their face.  I  hate the fact that I am not it school right now.  I also really hate myself for lying.  I do it so I don't get the disappointment from everyone.  Everyone in my family made such a big deal about me going to school.  I can't let them down.  But with this path I will.

Being a Fiance: Everyone thinks that my fiance and I have the perfect relationship.  He's so lucky to have me and I'm so lucky to have him.  Oh...if that was only the case.  I have been with my fiance for about 4 years.  I feel so lonely.  He doesn't talk to me.  I have tired.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  I have grown to hate him.  He enables my faults.  He has created a monster inside of me.  He lets me get away with anything I want.  I hate that about him and myself.  It's not all his fault.  He is simply a crutch.  I don't want a crutch.  I want to have to face the world.  I want to have to deal with things.  I simply don't because I know he will.  I resent him.  I resent our relationship. I resent the person I have become while with him.  I resent the fact that he has let me become more of a child and not more of an adult.

I have cheated on him.  No one knows.  I don't regret it.  It has made me more motivated to leave him.  I wholeheartedly always thought that I would never cheat on anyone in my life.  I have been cheated on.  I never thought I could do that to another person.  Now that I have...It has made me realize that I can not be with him.  I feel like he lead me too.  I tired for 3 years to work things out in our relationship.  I tired to talk to him about my needs.  He just didn't get it.  After 4 years together we don't know each other anymore than we did dating for the first time.  I feel like he isn't attracted to me.  He has told me many times I am everything he never wanted in a partner.  The person I cheated on him with I believe with my whole being is my soul-mate.  I want to be with him.  He wants to be with me.  I am working on it. 

Being a Best Friend: I have no friends.  I don't let people in.  I can't....they might see behind my mask.

Things I have done I do not think are right or moral.  However I do not think I am a bad person either.  I am growing up.  I am finding myself.  I am working on me.  My life has been turning upside down for a long time.  I have tried to do what I thought was right according to the world.  It has gotten me here.  I am not happy with here.  I am searching for my own way.