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I aborted.............the raw truth.
- Nov 9, 2009 at 2:04 AM
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- Comments (133) Total Views (4558) Everyone can see this journal post.
I'm not afraid or ashamed to open up about aborting. I'm confident and secure in my decisions that I don't defend myself anymore. So I simply just don't, I become cold and cavalier. Every retort is meant to taunt those who have treatened, harassed, and insulted me.
It's a defense technique that I've developed. When I've tried opening up and explaining, it ended up with people picking me apart. Again, it didn't upset me....but then my kids got dragged into it and that was the last straw. I got threatening messages, people telling me that I'm Andrea Yates and they should turn me in for being a baby murderer. Believe me, it's gone further than that.
I just take it, and sometimes I bait them with the crass jokes and the cold facade; I know it bothers them and gets under their skin.
Yes, I've aborted before. It wasn't an easy decision. My husband and I made it together.
No, I don't regret what I did. But the reality is something that I don't expect other people to understand or comprehend, empathize or sympathize with.
So, here I am opening myself up and making myself vulnerable. Why? Because it's ok. Not everyone will get it.But the nastiness I've displayed towards others isn't me,I always try to remain as open and honest as possible. Even if it hurts. I refuse to be like the horribly mean hearted people who only look on the surface of an individual, judging them when they have no right. So yes, I'm afraid to open up, but here's my story:
I miscarried in January 2006. I lost my brother in February 2006. I wound up with a tubal pregnancy in April 2006. Then my oldest son had a severe break down and was hospitalized. We were supposed to get PCSed to Dover AFB,DE but that was put off because of my son's illness. My uncle died in July 2006.... and I ended up pregnant again. I aborted because I panicked. I honestly couldn't do it.
We were transferred to Dover DE in September 2006 and I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in December 2006. I went through the most horrific and terrifying battle of my life. It changed me and how I viewed the world....and how i viewed myself and the abortion.
I knew the cancer wasn't from the pregnancies or the abortion. Because I had been having symptoms of cancer since I was pregnant with my second son back in 2004-05 (bleeding from the nipple, and pain in the breast after I gave birth to my second son). So the cancer was already there when I miscarried, terminated, and aborted.
However, I still can't help but feel that I was punished. Does that mean I regret aborting? Not exactly. I regret I was in that situation and I was a coward. But I still felt that it was the right choice. Confused? Yeah,I was too. This is what you get when you look behind the facade and see the raw complexities of human emotions.
Well, after I went through cancer.... I changed. I acknowledged that I had feelings for the 3 losses. When I had excrutiating pain in my right breast in 2005 along with bleeding profusely from the nipples, doctors of course did a breast ultra sound on me and found nothing in 2005. In 2006, it was found.
It is believed that the three pregnancies spurred the tumor growth as my tumors were hormone receptor positive (feed off hormones). The growth helped the tumors to be found, thus I believe; saved my life.
Everything happens for a reason. Even if they aren't apparent or obvious at first.
Where I'm at now is totally different, and I mourn those three lives. I love them and think of them. I let the third one go and I ask forgiveness that his or her mother was such a coward. I know I will see them at some point.
I value life so deeply now and now that I've gone through cancer, I do wonder about them. I don't expect people to understand this or empathize or sympthatize.
The reason I'm opening up like this is because I want the pro lifers out there to see the humanity and emotion that we go through. We're not cold callous killers hell bent on destroying babies.
It's never black and white............ I can't change the past, I don't regret what I did, but I do feel things that are difficult to express.
*a side note, a lot of people believe that I'm upset by the comments. I'm not..... I wanted to open up because I believe if more people saw what women like me have been through, they will soften their edges and realize we're not monsters.
I'm still 100% pro choice, but not for me. I will never abort again. Everyone wanted me to abort when I got pregnant right after chemotherapy. My doctors, my family.... I couldn't do it and will never do it again.
Even having a severe phobia of doctors and needles after chemo (I still had my chemo port in when I got pregnant, and no right breast and no hair). I would literally freak when I saw needles. And you can imagine how many times pregnant women get poked and prodded with needles.
My baby saved me, I truly felt after chemo that I was deformed and worthless. I was completely suicidal. But I got pregnant.... my body after all that shit was still capable of holding and caring for a precious little life.
It is life and it's precious. But all women have a choice and we must all live with our own choices and decisions. Growing and learning from them. No one has a right to judge, although many do it.
Please vote popular so others can see this journal and my journey.
Tags: abortion, pro choice, choice, life, pro life, emotional, cancer
Comments:
I commend you on your honesty and bravery. Thank you for sharing your story, it was very touching. I don't know where I stand with abortion because it is such a deep and serious topic. I see both ends of the spectrum and I don't think either one is right or wrong because there are valid reasons for both. I know your decision was a tough one and I honestly can't say I blame you. You went through hell and back and rose up from all of that. I'm sorry that you've been verbally beaten for your decision, you don't deserve that. We all have a free will and what we do with it is our business. Take care of yourself and your family dear and God bless. Thank you again for posting this.
Thank you for sharing your story! Everyone makes choices for their own reasons, and should never be judged by those who have no clue. I think you also speak for those of us who have aborted, with reason, not carelessly or callously. While there are women who have used abortion as "birth control" (I've met a couple - sickening) I do not believe that the majority is that way. We have had valid reason at that point in our life.
Many blessings to you and your family - you have three angels watching lovingly over you.
this is a PERFECT example of 'judge not less ye be judged" people who have never been in the position dont know what they would do, and often w/ such hatred lash out, then before ya know it, they find themselfs in the same position. people that have been through it, can offer compassion, i pray this 'openness' brings you even more healing :)
I am sorry people are so hard on you. It isn't fair for people to judge. The bible tells us not to judge lest we be judged by the same manner. And 'he who has no sin cast the first stone.' I am a pro-lifer. I chose abortion for my first pregnancy. I do regret my decision. I to was in a panicked situation but I do regret what I did. It took many many years for me to be healed of the pain that it caused inside.
I know counsel woman who are dealing with post-abortion stress. (I can't remember the word that should go there..sorry, definitely not perfect). You are not a monster. You made a choice, based on what information you were given. That information comes from a myraid of places, it can be doctors, family, your husband, media etc. It was the best decision you could come up with at the time. I get that. I did that. Our decision to abort comes from fears. It comes from lack of correct information and the healing from it comes even harder.
Some of us never think we need healing, as did I and many of the women I counsel. We think that we have it all together, but we never get why we don't feel quite right. We don't get why we never cry anymore, or why we cry all the time. We have unexplainable illnesses, such as migraines and body aches, that we explain away as something else. We have depression that we give reason to be because our lives are so hard, but really deep down it is more. We need to grieve the loss of these children & it appears you have begun that.
I commend you on standing up and sharing your story. That is the first step in allowing yourself to heal. There is a healing that has to come with this action. The abortion clinics don't tell you that, if they told you that would you have actually had the abortion. If they told you all the things that you would experience (like grieving over the loss of the child, depression, illness, possible cancer, possiblity of never having another baby etc) would you have actually gone through the procedure. I share this question rhetorically for all who are reading, not specifically for you. There is a healing process we must go through.
If anyone has had an abortion and feels the need to go through this healing, please send me a private message. I will direct you to some awesome resources that you can get help. There are some online groups, they are biblical, but they are for anyone and I can help you find a group in your area. I have the resources to do this. Or I can work through email with you. I have a book I can help you through, we can set up weekly chats and I can email you what you need.
It is possible to be truly joyous again. I am a living testimony to that. I am proud of you for standing up and sharing your story. The hidden secrets of abortion is what keeps its powers so strong over us.
Dawn
All4givn6@yahoo.com
Thank you! I love it and you just said a lot of things that some women cannot say! You are a brave woman and I love it!
I just read the last post and that is probably one of the most important points. Your losses cause grief. You lost lives, some of your health (cancer) and that is a lot for one person. From your post I thought you still seemed sad. Grief counseling might be something to think about. I had a miscarriage on my birthday when I was in my late 20's I didn't realize I was grieving the loss of that baby and suffered from depression for a long time. Good luck to you and tell the haters "bless your heart" I hear southern women use that as a polite was to say "screw you"
who cares..its your body, your decision, your life.
Thank you. my sister has cancer and is preggo. She also has a rare blood disease that is killing her. The doctors told her she could carry the baby to term but now? They want her to abort. I am pro choice and always have been. I will support whatever she decides. I am glad I have never had to make the choice. You and people that have been in this situation are so brave. I can't say for sure that I would make the same choice, but I hope that I would have the courage that you did.
Thank you for sharing your story! If it helps even one other person then you have made an incredible difference in this world!
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i've learned to keep my buisness to myself. Years ago i used to blab every single detail and sometimes they came back to haunt me even years later. There is no need for your explanation infact there is no need for you to reveal anything that you do to anyone in this life. know that the less you tell the less anyone will know. take care.