Temptations Temptations

[chela17]

I've been a bitch lately and I go to sleep regretting all my actions. Tomorrow is never promised and I can't seem to get that into my head when I am here, present time. I feel like I should be lovy dovy with my DH, but can't seem to get attracted to him. I don't even feel like he gets me excited anymore. I feel nothing when he touches me or tries to turn me on to have sex. Nothing, absolutely nothing unless I have had a couple of drinks.

I know he feels/notices it because he has mentioned it to me. I don't want to become an everyday drinker just so I can please him and I can at least enjoy whatever we do. I know this comes from his infidelity that I am still trying to get over. I can't seem to think that he stares at other women or maybe still talks to the other woman at work. I mean he could meet other females in his work environment; he works at a grocery store, somewhere that you can see the same sexy body everyday. Why do I think this way? Well, when I go to the grocery store (a completely different company that my DH doesn't work for) I get so excited just seeing this one employee. How ironic that he does the same thing that my DH does; he stocks the shelves. I don't know, it's just something about him that makes me smile instantly...makes me feel all warm and ready to pounce on him. I know it's not a cool thing to do, but I even snuck in more than a couple of stares/smiles when DH has gone to the market with us. This last time, this guy noticed and I don't know if he was smiling cuz he has noticed me do it before or if he found it funny that he was getting noticed while I was with my family.

I don't know how to get over it. I know that I wouldn't like my DH doing it to me, but lately I have found myself thinking of being unfaithful. Why? It is kinda driving me nuts....Actually it's really driving me nuts. I don't know. I think I am still so insecure about myself after DH cheated on me. It's hard to recover. It really brought my self-esteem to the ground. I can't seem to lift it up at all. I mean I am trying to lose weight, I try to keep my nails done, hair combed, make-up (even light make-up when I am just going to the mall with him), but I can't seem to fix my attitude to him.

I know that it was my choice to stay by his side and go to marriage counseling, but it is really hard to get over no matter what anyone says. I appreciate the advice and whatnot but I think I will not get over this until I have really stuck to my goals. It is also my fault for not keeping up with my "plans" to lose weight. It is really hard to keep up with this when you have to keep DH happy, have dinner done, have the housework done, raise a 2yr old, and go to work 9hrs a day. I am really trying to fix this all together, but I feel like these kind of tempations are a result from me not having any me time or having anyone make me feel loved/wanted on a regular basis that doesn't involve sex within the 3min trying to convince me and then have it go away until it's that time tomorrow.

Oh God help me find your strength. Help me find my strength.

 

[jessesmama22]

Nov. 10, 2009 at 1:56 PM

Honestly it sounds horrible what i'm about to say but I think that after a person hurts you as bad as he did you feel a little bit like getting back at the person for the pain they have caused you.  Well honestly it makes you feel better in my opinon i'm not saying do it over and over just do it once maybe with the grocery man you like who knows just try it and if you still don't feel any remorce for cheating that means you have fallen out of love with your husband.  But if you do feel bad for doing that to him then you need to make it work and try hard.  But don't tell him what you have done.  I hope I have helped...