I think I have a problem

[AngelWolf7]

My husband is in the US military. I love him so dont try to tell me that I dont, I just dont think I am in love with him anymore.

I was 17 when we met, I had just got out of a relationship with no desire to get back in one however when I saw him I had to have him and make sure he was mine. I'll say since I was 13 I've been reading romance novels. Horrible I know for a child to be reading such things and in a way it might have ruined me. I have these ideals of what I want in a man, how I want him to look and act. I do realize that I might never and it's a 1% chance that I will find that.

When we got together I was gaga over him I didn everything to please him, never tried to make him upset. He was even the one who didnt want us to have sex until I was 18, he was 21 at the time. Honorable of him. He never seemed really interested in anything that I did and for a long time I thought he was cheating on me. Come to find out he's just quiet and laid back. Never says too much of anything really. After we got married things died down, I will admit I wasnt as attentive or all over him, he noticed and asked me why. I actually think that after I had our daughter my sex drive went down and I just didnt feel as sexy anymore.

Well anyway, he left to Iraq and I do something very nerdy called RP, I also play video games. Mostly men are on there and it felt good to me to be complimented. Told I was pretty and all that, Before I knew it I found myself in a short lived emotional affair. At first the guy was great but I grew bored of him. An emotional affair turned into a real one after I "had a friend" we had sex a few times and after that intial phase of having "something new" I grew bored of him as well. Discarded.

I know men do that to women and honestly when I looked at what I was doing I was disgusted with myself. How could I do that? To myself? To my husband? Why? I dont have any real answers. Do I need to see a therapist? Being so emotionally unattached from people and being bored with something like an old toy? My husband has no clue though he knows I probably dont look at him the same anymore. I just feel so disgusting and worthless sometimes. Like I'm never going to find happiness in life.

Please feel free to answer me but DO NOT tell me I do not deserve my husband and that I'm a horrible person. You have no clue what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I just want positive, helpful answers please.

[AngelWolf7]

Nov. 13, 2009 at 3:36 AM

Actually I can say I have an idea of what you are going through.  I actually didn't get married until I was 21 but that was still pretty young.  I was married to a soldier and i cheated on him a couple of times while he was deployed.  We seperated 6 months after he returned from Iraq and officially divorced two years later.

But cheated doesn't always end a relationship, I had a friend who also cheated while her husband was away.  They seperated and ultimately realized they were the ones for eachother.

If you feel like talking to someone would help I would suggest it, you have the military benefits you may as well use it right.

Now here is the part that might help, you have needs and when those needs aren't being met you are going to seek out someone to meet those needs.  It is natural and normal and I have found that relationships that begin in your late teens/early twenties require alot more work.  We all go through sooooo much change in our twenties some couples grow together others grow apart.

I am going to tell you what I tell my friends in situations like this.  You really need to look at what is important to you and your future.  It is normal for some passion to die our after the first two years.  It really does take work to maintain it.  You may not be physically attracted to him any longer but if you guys are still close and you love eachother you can still make it work.  Now if you determine that being physically attracted to your partner is very important to you than you have a lot to think about.

For me the reason I left my husband was because I realized that I was happier when he wasn't around then when he was.  I realized that I didn't need him and that we weren't staying together for the right reasons.  When he found out that I cheated on him it devistated him and I vowed then and there never to cheat on another person.  I wasn't thinking straight, I don't regret it because I learned alot from it but if I could go back and change it I would.

I hope this helps a little bit.  Good luck.

[NannyB.]

Nov. 13, 2009 at 6:31 AM

You brainwashed yourself by reading the romance novels.  They do not depict real life; they are fantasies.  The feelings of being in love are very fleeting.  They do return from time to time, but real love is about the committtment and the giving to another person.  The second you start looking to another person to make you happy, you are in trouble.  Happiness is found in doing for others and in giving oneself to a goal.  You can turn your life and your marriage around.  The first step is to determine that you will love your husband well, that you will make his life and the life of your child the absolute best it can possibly be.  When you start concentrating on that goal rather than on yourself and your needs, you will be happier than you can imagine.