Falling Off the Shelf

[rainfalls]

 I haven't posted much... not since this past summer I believe. 

Well... to get you caught up last spring and this past summer I worked tremendously hard on coming to terms with my adoption.  After watching an episode of "I'm 16 and Pregnant" of a couple who were placing thier daughter up for adoption something really caught my attention. 

She was me. 

I was for the firs time really reminded of why I placed my son, E, up for adoption in the first place.

It wasn't because I didn't want to parent - hell it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

It was entirely for him. 

I would do anything to ensure that my son is well-cared for, happy, and loved.  Of course I knew I could provide these things, but I knew another important person the link that couldn't. 

And that was his father.

After watching the epside on "I'm 16 and Pregnant" and a few kleenex boxes later I felt sort of at peace.

A few weeks later I had lunch with my son's biological father's step sister - whom I had grown up with.  Our boss that we worked for in high school had passed away so we decided to go to the funeral together, then out for lunch afterwards.

We got to talking and she talked about E's biological father and how much trouble he hasn't gotten himself into... over... and over again.  Then she discussed some issues she has with her step- mom, E's paternal grandmother. 

I'm not going to get into how she treated both me and E (while I was pregnant), but how she still treats E's biological father AND my friend it helped me come to ease with my decision.  I would have to be dealing with these people, and most importantly, E would have to as well.

After having that lunch with my friend I had felt like a million dollars.  I went and met up with my therapist and we closed the book and we placed it onto the shelf. 

I had accepted my decision, felt no more feelings of regret, and ultimately felt wonderful about what I have given my son. 

The the month of November came up.  Nothing very important, and not something I have dealt with before, but I hit rock bottom.  For a week I couldn't get out of bed.  I missed all of my classes, and even an exam.  I had zerio motivation.  Thankfully I was able to get myself out of bed and to work. 

I felt so unworthy, unmotivated, helpless, exhausted, and completely empty.

The next week I was able to make it to a few classes... but couldn't do the work.  I would get everything organized and ready.. then nothing.  I didn't even have the energy to pick up a pen.  So I went to bed.

This last week was the 3rd week of whatever pit I am in, and I think I just figured it out. 

The book is falling off the shelf.

I miss my son.  I want my son.  I have accepted the adoption.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change anything, and I can't beat myself up about it.  It is what it is now. 

But I can feel it... crawling out of me screaming... I WANT MY SON!

Sure I could as for more visitations, but when I'm with him.. the feeling doesn't go away like it use to.  Because what I long for is what I won't and can't have.

Don't get me wrong.  My son is very happy, healthy, a total 2 year old brat.  He's perfect.  And if it means I have to live with this pain for his happiness then so be it. 

Maybe that's what my big lesson was... The Act of Selfless Love. 

I truly believe it was.  I know I won't even love a human being like I love E.  I would do anything for his happiness. It just sucks that the one thing I had to do, was to give him to someone else.

Do I really still regret this? 

Am I really not over the adoption?

I just feel like it's crawling out of my body trying to scream at me.

But what did it come out so suddenly?

I am so lost.

[AngelaP.]

Nov. 15, 2009 at 4:33 AM

You've done something that is much harder. You have visitation with your son. It'll probably never fade, that is a instinct that is a part of us. Wanting our child. It might have shown up because you may have let all the feelings show, you may have suppressed them. I'll be praying for you.

[Aasiyah]

Nov. 15, 2009 at 5:25 AM

i wish i had some great advice for you..i don't but wanted you to know that i read your story..

 

[jbs_mommy]

Nov. 15, 2009 at 8:07 AM

I applaud your self-reflection.  Many people avoid looking inside for the understanding because it can be so painful (and why do that to oneself?! LOL)  Your son is very lucky that his mommy is who she is.

[Lb128f]

Nov. 15, 2009 at 11:35 AM

I'm glad you were able to accept and get a better understanding of why you did, what you did. And, I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. I'm thinking maybe things are hitting you hard at this time because the holidays are coming? It's a time of "family" and maybe you've been thinking about things more? There are a few things I think you CAN do to help yourself. Revisit your counselor...accept that you must get through your classes and pass...it is the key to opening doors for you..for your life and the life of your son (in so many ways) and DO ask for MORE time with him. The more time you spend with him...the more your parents are going to see how much you want time, how much you care, how much you are willing to do to make it all work. Although, it may be difficult to be with him and then let him return...the more time you get -- the better for both of you. You are in a good situation (in as far as being able to see your son)...you could have given him up to someone who moved far away, you didn't...he is still very much a part of your life...if you make him -- do it -- I really believe it will get better for you both...growing and accepting limits in our lives shows a sign of maturity...progression, growth, acceptance will come. Don't be too hard on yourself.