My Pregnancy Story part 5.....

[ShawnaH2005]

Happy Mother's Day!..................................

Happy Father's Day!..................................

Happy Fourth of July!..............................

Yup, that's right i have made to the Fourth of July. My Doctors are more and more amazed as everyday passes. While they STILL are not optimistic about the health of the baby. I find it amusing to see some of the most highly educated maternal fetal specialists completely stunned. I am almost 25 weeks, 13 weeks after my water "broke" and amazingly I have stopped leaking fluid. The baby has continued to grow and thrive, and has become a very big baby and becoming quite active.

I am feeling very depressed. My visitors are far and few. My doctors start to worry about my emotional state. I beg everyday to go home, and everyday they say no. To make matters worse they have my entire family on their side so here I stay. Since it is the Fourth of July my parents and two youngest siblings come to the hospital to visit for the whole day! They brought some movies and I colored with my sister , At sunset I was wheeled to the waiting room, (which has floor to ceiling windows that over looked the river) so I could watch fireworks. It was really a nice, the hospital set up a snack cart for all the visitors and It almost didn't feel like I was in prison.

The next week I am given another sono. My mother comes for this one and so does my brother, and my dad. The sonogram tech asked my something she never had before. "would you like to know the sex of your baby?" I looked at my parents, I didnt know. Did I want to know? Of course you do! My mother said! Well the tech said its a .................BOY!!!!! I was so happy, as was my dad and brother. they were severely out numbered and really wanted another player for the "boy " team!  Knowing what the baby was actually made it easier for me for awhile. I spent my time looking through baby name books, trying to decide what to name my little man. i have a very large family and finding names that had not been claimed was hard. Their are 4 bryans in my family!  I decided on Nicholas Alexander, and of course he would be given my last name.

Before I knew it ( ha ha yeah right) it was August. My family was busy getting my siblings ready to start school and I was really, really, depressed. I was lonely. I was fat. I was really uncomfortable and laying in bed 23 1/2 hours a day really didnt help me feel better. I was doing well. Nicholas was growing and becoming very fond my right side and particularly the area right up inside my ribs. My days continued as the days before. i had made friends with all the nurses and when they were not busy they would take turns coming to my room and visiting and watching tv with me. There was one particular intern that i really liked. Dr. Sloan. He was super HOT, super young, and he happened to like ER ( the show) every Thursday evening when he was on call, and that was almost all the time! He would sit with me, and watch it. We would eat popcorn and visit. I had a small crush on him until he asked if I was having any itching "down there" well lets just say that killed what ever we may have had starting (lol)

September. Labor day. ugh.

More of the same. I really think that I am losing my mind. I spend the majority of the day in tears. I am miserable, I miss my family. I miss my friends, and dear GOD I am uncomfortable! One day my doctors threw me a curve ball. We were going for my regular weekly sonogram, and my mother was with me ( she made it a point to be with me at all of them that she could). After my normal sono. My doctor came in with a grief counselor. We were introduced and My doctor preceded to explain to me what they were expecting to happen to me. At this point I was 32 weeks in my pregnancy. They have come to think I was going to carry this baby to term, (REALLY? what was your first clue?) However, since he was without fluid for so many weeks they wanted to  me to understand that there was a 98% chance his lungs were severely underdeveloped and that he would not be capable of breathing on his own. Furthermore if his lungs were as they expected, he didn't think that they would be developed enough to allow his to be on a ventilator until they were developed enough. So essentially he will look like a full term baby but he will have thelungs of a 20 week fetus IF that. Well lets just say after 5 months of fighting for this baby, this news devastated me. The counselor wanted to meet with me to "help me through this" and to help with the arrangements at the hospital after the baby's birth. 'She asked me all kinds of questions that I didn't know how to answer. Would I have him buried or cremated? Did I want to hold him while he passed? Things that I never had before even thought of. I told her I needed some time to think but that I would like to meet with her again.

The next couple of weeks were really hard. The nurses stopped asking me if I was ready to have him, I guess because that was almost like asking me if I was ready for him to die. My mom talked to my doctors about how depressed and remote I seemed, she was really worried about me. I didnt know what to do. I hurt so badly and nobody else could really understand how I felt. I was so alone.

September 20 -

We decided to do an amnio. I wanted to know how badly his lungs were underdeveloped before he was born. If they were really as bad as they thought they right after he is born I just want to hold him. I dont want them doing CPR for an hour and putting him through any unnessasary  pain. Only to hand him to me gone. I was prepared for the procedure and when they got ready to do it, the doctor had some news. The baby had stopped making fluid or I was leaking it again and well, there was almost no fluid again. They would not be able to do the amnio after all. this was not something that had anticipated and the doctor went to consult with the rest of his people. Shortly they returned to tell me that i would be delivered the next day. We had agreed that a vaginal birth would be something that I could attempt. However at the first sign of distress, I would have to have a c-section. Tomorrow my little man would be born at 36 weeks.