Why do women go back to their abuser?

[suzzanna]

I'm so upset! I just got off the phone with my mom and i told her that bennie (her boyfriend) called me and was saying how much he love her and made a big mistake. I also told her that he called me yesterday morning letting me know that she was back in the hospital but couldn't call me because her cell had no battery.  How could he have known this if he had not talked to her? He knew she was staying in a shelter and about her battery needing to be charged. She was talking about going back to Louisiana but not any more she is planning on staying. She probably is going to drop the charges if she already hasn't.  I do not understand how this person can almost kill you ( see pics here http://ourlifeaftergenesis.blogspot.com/) but yet you still go back to the abuser. I didn't ask her any questions asking why or how ect. Our conversation was pretty short, I'm not even sure if she is back at the shelter or back in the apartment with him. She could be lying about that! It hurts to see the person you love get hurt over and over again but yet they continue to be with that person who is hurting them.

 

[Davis]

Nov. 16, 2009 at 4:22 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting for your friend, the reason the go back it because they think in their minds that they still love that person or they will change eventually, or they themselves can change that person, or they have been abused for so long that they think that they are not worthy anymore and feel like the abuse is what they deserve. Which is by the way wrong thinking, they will eventually come to a point that they are going to leave for good, or they will die. But, they themselves can only make that decision to leave for good. You can encourage them, and let them know you care and love them and they deserve better, but ultimately they have to make a conscious effort to step out of that relationship for good before they get killed. You can be a victom for many years even til the other person themselves dies before you, some exactly stay in relationships that long. My mother in law did. I know it hurts and what really hurts is to see them go through it.

[NannyB.]

Nov. 16, 2009 at 4:36 PM

She may be afraid of being alone or she may think she can't make it on her own.  If she was abused as a child, being abused as an adult may just be what she expects out of life.  Maybe she's never known what real love looked like or felt like.  Just know that there is a reason, one of which she is probably totally unaware, and it probably is very deeply rooted.  Maybe you could get her to talk with someone who is gifted to handle such situations.

[officerjoeys]

Nov. 16, 2009 at 9:23 PM

As a DV survivor, it's not easy to just up and leave. Sometimes depending on how long or how bad the abuse is it takes longer for women to realize that this isn't healthy or love. Some of us stay for fear that we will end up dead, afterall that does happen. A restraining order is just a piece of paper and can't really protect you in the moment. Some think they can't take care of themselves or their children. Some are confused about what love really is. Others like me also think that it's our fault and if we acted better it will stop. A woman who is in this kind of situation can only help herself. You can support her, but you can't make her leave, unfortunately. Unless she realizes herself that despite what the abuser says or does to her, she can help herself, then can she finally break free. I was able to do it, but not everyone does, sadly. I hope things work out for her. Just keep checking on her and be there. She might  need someone after she finally does find the strength to leave.