I feel bad for the hubby

[mikazuki]

We've been married for almost 13 years and have been together for 14 years. The entire time I've known him I've also known about his eldest daughter. He's wondered how she was, what she looked like as she grew up, etc, etc. He loved her despite not knowing her. I told him that one day she'll come looking for him and he'll be able to tell his side of the story to her and maybe work on building a relationship with her.

Out of the blue his sister one days e-mails him saying that his daughter had contacted her. Well I was able to track down his daughter and put them in touch with each other. This was in August 2008.

At first both were thrilled to have finally been able to make contact but things went spiraling down and fast. I don't know what really happened but one day in October she blocked me from contacting her. The last time I had direct contact with her was on September 5 and my last PMs to her were October 21. I honestly do not know what happened. I tried contacting her but no responses ever. I even contacted a third person whom she had contacted but that person refused to tell me anything. I chalked it up to her being scared of "talking" to a stranger online and let it go since she was still in communication with the hubby, albeit it was sporadic by October or November.

By November 2008 he stopped receiving e-mails from her and she basically refused his phone calls. Her boyfriend/husband/fiance/whatever had excuses after excuse as to why she couldn't come to the phone - the "she's not home" to the "she's asleep" type of stuff. 

For months there was no further contact though I think there was one final e-mail from her in December but without looking at his e-mails to be sure I simply can't be sure that there was one or not.

Finally he hears from her in July of this year and not one of her e-mails, since October of 2008, have been a "hi, how are you?" type of e-mail. Never once did she ask how he was not even after the fact that she was well aware that he was sick and had undergone a biopsy on his thyroid for cancer and that the MRI and CT scans reveals numerous tumors in his lymph nodes as well as spots on his lungs, liver and kidneys. In fact, that reminds me I need to make an appointment for him to get an updated ultrasound since his new doctor made a referral for that.

At any rate, the e-mails I saw from her were basically complaints and indirect requests for money. She made so many comments about how he abandoned her, how he didn't pay child support, how she grew up to be some kind of drug addict who was kicked out of her home by the age of 17, etc, etc. I could dig up her e-mails to him and show everyone exactly what she wrote which lead me to think she's just a little gold-digger. One of the reasons I think that is simply because the months she knew he wasn't working not one e-mail from him but once he landed the job with a company that is a government contractor (and in essence he works for the government now), and I blogged about it, did she contact him again.

Yes, I feel sorry that she has claimed she has been crying over my journal entries where I call her a gold-digger but honestly, she needs to go back and read what she wrote him and then tell me if I wasn't justified in feeling that way. She never asked him how he was and it really seems as if she's only looking out for herself.

I once PMed her telling her:

******** lost 20 years of being in your life. He's never forgotten his daughter and he should have fought for you all those years ago. Maybe if I insisted he fight for you, when we first married, you would have had 12 years of love from him but what's done is done. He lost those years and now has lost you again but this time because you chose it and not because your mother or grandmother feared he'd take you from them. Remember this is your choice.

Your sisters and brothers are also sad that their big sister won't be part of their lives even if it's long distance but for what it's worth they DO love you and always will because you are their sister. Remember you have six more siblings who would have loved to meet you and be part of your life even if it was long distance. They'll remember you and hope one day you'll be part of their lives.

We wish you and your children the best, ********. Enjoy your life and I hope it's a long and happy one.

That was my final message to her since by that evening she blocked me. My previous message to her was earlier on in the day, before she blocked me, and it was this:

Thought I'd drop you a message letting you know how your dad's test result came out. I quote the doctor, "He's a tumor making machine. Medical students would love to get their hands on him because he's an anomaly."

The last MRI and CT came across dozens of tumors. He has tumors on his thyroid, liver, kidney and lymph nodes and possible on his lungs (something did show up on the MRI but they don't know what it is). He has to go back for a chest x-ray and another ultrasound on his thyroid. No biopsies are scheduled at this time so we don't really know if the tumors are benign or malignant, we just have to wait and see how the next round of tests come out.

So you need to be aware that you have the high risk of getting tumors that may or may not be cancerous. As I've stated to you before, your Grandma S has had uterine cancer while your Grandpa L has had prostate cancer. Furthermore they both had to deal with cancer on and off these last five to seven years. With your biological dad now being labeled as tumor making machine just be aware that you need to keep an eye on your own health issues especially on your reproductive region since you have two grandparents who have had cancer there.

Well at any rate, she e-mailed him within the last couple of days and said that she'll no longer contact him. I feel bad for him. He spent 20 years wondering about his daughter and once we found her the relationship was just so short-lived. He maybe angry with her right now but he also loves her deeply just like he loves our own children. I've told him that regardless of her behavior right now, she's too immature, that maybe one day she'll contact him again and they can try again. I just hope she'll have that time because to be perfectly honest we still don't know what's going on with his health.

He still needs to have his thyroid removed and he still needs surgery one his hands but it's those legs and the lymph node system of his that has us both the most concerned. I kept asking his previous doctor if the tumors on his lymph node system is what's causing the so-called lymphedema but he had no idea. As I've posted other times there are no specialists in our area, least none that we know of. I wish we could find someone who can finally tell us what's going on with the lymph node system and how to take care of it. Maybe once the tumors are addressed and taken care of then the problems with his legs will be resolved and then he can have the surgeries that he needs on the rest of his body.

Plus the biggest thing now is the weight gain. He's not eating unhealthy foods but he's constantly gaining weight and I think a good deal of it is due to the lymph nodes and the tumors. Oh and that's another thing, we don't know what KIND of tumors - cancerous or benign. Plus his pre-diabetes is now labeled as diabetes per his last blood test recently so he has that health issue to deal with now.

I don't know for sure but I think he's worried about losing his feet and legs. His doctor put him on some kind of antibiotic to treat the problems with his feet.

I just wish she would grow up and realize that what she has e-mailed him is completely wrong. He didn't abandon her, he loves her and wants a relationship with her but he wants a HEALTHY one and not one where she expects him to send her money because he didn't pay child support as a kid.

She has to understand another thing, the hubby is the only person working as I'm a stay-at-home mom and that we're raising SIX kids under the age of 15. They are our priority and while it may hurt, she is NOT his priority when it comes to providing things for. She's an adult, with two kids and a husband. That's like me asking my mom or my (step)dad to provide for me and my kids despite the fact that I'm a married adult. If she wants his moral support then she has that but stop throwing it in his face that he wasn't there because there was NOTHING he could have done since her mother and him were not married and the laws did not change until 1994. He had no rights to her then and she's an adult now who is capable of making her own decisions.

My final thoughts on the matter is this. If you're reading this... you have the choice. I've told you before and I'll tell you again. You have the choice to maintain a relationship with him. That doesn't mean throwing it into his face that he wasn't there for you. It's not his fault that you turned to drugs as a teenager. It's not his fault your mother went on welfare after she divorced your step-father (or when ever it was she was on it). It's not his fault that your mother didn't allow him to put his name on the birth certificate. It's not his fault that you were raised by an abusive step-father. Yes, he moved to the other side of the country to be with me and that was indeed his choice but don't blame him for abandoning you for me because you were eight-years-old and you didn't know him.

Give each other some space and try to rebuild a relationship with him down the road. It's not too late to fix the mess you made with him. He loves you and will never stop loving you. Don't let me, your mom, grandma or anyone else get in a way of having a relationship with him. If you want one with him then that's your right as his daughter even if his name is not on the birth certificate and there never was a DNA test done. We don't deny you're his daughter because you and our youngest daughter look alike. (OMG, does she look like you except she has green-hazel eyes and you have blue ones and both of you look like his mother.)

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt by my posts but I stand by what I posted because that's how I feel and felt. You hurt him badly and when someone hurts him I'm going to let that person know it. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't contact him if you're only going to hurt him because that in turn also hurts my children who were once so happy to know that their big sister would be in their lives, albiet via e-mail and phone calls but still in their lives somehow.

At any rate, I'm done making journal posts about you (unless you do something else to piss me off). Think of me what you will but as his wife I'm going to protect my husband and family from anyone including family members.