Julie's Guide to Proper Public Restroom Hand Washing in 24 Easy Steps

[Julie411me]

1.  Enter public restroom.  Carefully eyeball doors and try to determine which stall gets the least use.  If available, choose the third one in, like everyone else. 

(Bonus hint:  check for TP availability before being seated.)

2.  Conclude business, flush with foot and proceed to sink.  Do not make eye contact with any other restroom visitors.  I don't know why.  Just don't.

 

3.  If you have a purse or some other bag or package with you, you will have to find a way to drape it, loop it or attach it to your body in some way.  If all else fails, pinch the item between your body and the sink, freeing your hands for proper washing. 

 

4. For your own sanity, pretend to be oblivious to the fact that this item has now made contact with multiple, unsanitary restroom surfaces. 

 

5.  Arm yourself with a generous supply of paper towels. 

 

6.  Stuff them in your armpit or bra for later use.  Make mental note not to forget and leave them there.

 

7. Turn on water and adjust temperature to 40-45 degrees Celsius. 

 

8.  Check purse for metric conversion chart.  (just kidding)

 

9.  Continue to wait for water temperature to warm up to what you estimate might be 40-45 degrees Celsius. 

 

10.  Keep waiting.  Check water often by quickly swiping one finger through stream so as not to burn your hands.

 

11.  Feel silly because the water is still ice cold. 

 

12. Accept the fact that the water (even if you are at your child's grade school or someplace food is served) will never, ever be even lukewarm.

 

13.  Decide that washing your hands with cold water is probably better than nothing.

 

14.  Look for soap.

 

15.  Determine that trick soap dispenser on wall has been empty since 1997 and that you should probably stop pumping it.

 

16.  Notice plastic soft soap pump bottle with "NEW" fish design and filth encrusted ridges on pump screw-top.   

 

17.  Against your better judgement, attempt to claim the final squirt of once-liquid soap from the pump mechanism.  Good luck.

 

18.  Decide that a cold water, soap less rinse session is better than nothing. 

 

19.  Endure frostbite while silently humming "Happy Birthday" to yourself (or is that for teeth brushing?)  while allowing ice water to rinse hands. 

 

20.  Retrieve paper towel stash from armpit or bra and dry hands thoroughly.

 

21.  Retain used paper towels and use to open restroom door.

 

22.  Holding door open with shoe, toss used paper towel into trash can conveniently placed near door.

 

23.  Ha ha!  Yeah, right.  Toss paper towel toward trash can placed as far as possible from door, most likely under the paper towel dispenser as an aid to restroom traffic bottleneck issues.

 

24.  Make beeline to nearest bottle of hand sanitizer. 

 

Coming soon:  Julie's guide to safe poultry handling.

 

[ServinGsus]

Nov. 17, 2009 at 11:29 PM

Totally hilarious!  I love it =)

[momofne]

Nov. 18, 2009 at 6:58 AM

Thanks for the morning laugh!