Keep Your Birth Trauma Out Of My Birth

[Xakana]

Keep Your Birth Trauma Out Of My Birth

Ironically, the people most likely to read that title and nod in total agreement may be the first to violate that rule.

When I got pregnant with my first baby, most natural birthers talked about "birth horror stories" that no one should have to read while pregnant. These are the usual medicalized birth stories that go from one intervention to another in a cascade, ending in a painful, frightening birth that leaves the mom warning other moms that they'll never want to go natural. When in fact, without the fear, most women could go natural without all that pain. Definitely not all, but more than even consider doing so.

The point of avoiding those stories is to not expect birth to be a frightening, painful thing. Happy birth stories are abundant, if not the majority. So many women try to engage in a one-upmanship of "my birth was so horrible because..." Few of them want to hear that it was their own attitude and lack of trained birth support that led to that birth experience.

But at the same time, those same moms want to help their friends make informed decisions. It's horrifying, watching the same pattern of intervention cascades in birth after birth, knowing that this cesarean could have been avoided or that birth could have been so much more wonderful if doctors had kept their devices and prejudices to themselves.

But where is the line between helpful information and perpetuating birth horror? How to warn and arm our friends with knowledge without telling them that everything they're being told by their trusted caregiver is garbage? And how to cope when we don't say something and exactly what is expected to happen does? Especially with the first-time moms gung-ho on doing it their way and sure that they won't be a statistic while doing nothing to prevent it?
I did everything I believed I could with the resources available to me to not be a statistic the first time. I was one anyway. I tried to get midwifery care and was rejected twice, so that the third midwife, who called out to me, holding out her hand, was rejected by me out of the fear and dejection that I harbored. Twice (though the second time was more out of finances and my feelings that I have nothing of value to offer in barter, service-wise, I'm pretty useless). I only hope that she still has open arms for my next birth.

I am satisfied with my second birth, even if it wasn't my ideal by a far cry. Because this time I KNOW I did everything I could, save going with a midwife I would have had to transfer from in the end anyway. Still, I know some of my friends were disappointed in me for having an epidural, rather than trusting that I made an informed choice that needed to be made for the welfare of both my baby and myself.

And I may have alienated a friend because I tried to caution her against the practice that led to my cesarean (and the unnecessary inductions and cesareans of many other women--the OBs in that practice are control freaks, which is so evident in the comments I read about how she's not "allowed" to do this or that). I fear that they will bully her with their controlling tactics to her detriment, taking away the few options she wants to make in her birth, but now I can't support her at all because I blurted out a caution about doctors she loves. I hope that the caution was unnecessary nonetheless.

I also pissed myself off, because it was my own birth trauma that led me to warn her. I don't want her to suffer what I did, but apparently, that's selfish according to her friends who also had cesareans, to wish her to have the birth SHE wants. I want these horrible, ignorant and unsporting people posing as supportive to be struck mute or with a blinding revelation that they're doing the very thing that they're accusing me of (and thus, are hypocrites). Also, this violates my own rule against birth horror stories--that should be adapted to include just comments.

What put those fears of these birth options into us? Fear of interventions for the natural birth moms and fear of pain for the medicalized birth moms? Most of the time, it's other moms. And we're grateful to those moms for warning us, right? Wrong. Because those in fear of medical interventions don't appreciate the warnings from the moms about pain or things going awry that aren't controllable (or could have been prevented by not having a certain intervention). The moms in fear of the pain don't appreciate being told that their birth would be safer without pain medication or if they were to just stay out of the hospital. Or that, in retrospect, that cesarean that they thought was an emergency and necessary, could have been prevented (I certainly don't like that mine could have been). And what's to be gained from that knowledge? Nothing but pain. Not unless they're about to follow the same bad path and are OPEN to another option.

What's the difference between, "Oh, ask for the epidural early because they couldn't get it to me in time and I wanted it so bad and regret not getting it!" and, "Don't let them do [u/s weight checks, vaginal exams, induction, etc.] to you because that's what led to my cesarean!"? Both are said with nothing but good intentions. The first, viewed by the second, is seen as un-empowering and harmful to mom and baby. The second, viewed by the first, is medically negligent and harmful to mom and baby. Scientific research supports the second while medical experts support the first. So, in the end, unless the advice was solicited, the answer is: nothing. No one wants to hear that, but it's true.

How do we not do to our friends what we don't want done to us? And how can we respect them while protecting them? And most importantly, how can we step away emotionally, become non-judgmental and let them have their birth and just support them without expectations?

These are questions all of us need to ask ourselves in support of our friends, no matter how we view birth or what we want for our own births. Not just  "If I do not stop to help this [woman], what will happen to [her]?" We all want to be the Good Samaritan. But when are we crossing from that into projecting our own wishes, desires and worse, traumas, onto those we wish to be helping?

When can we give other women the same trust and respect that we ask for our own decisions?

[MrsBirks]

Nov. 19, 2009 at 7:23 AM

I give advice if asked.  I was lucky and both my births were fine so no scary horror tales from me lol.  x

[Saya]

Nov. 19, 2009 at 7:25 AM

I love your post, primarily because you showed both sides of the story, unlike so many others which take a stance and refuse to budge.    I for one hope that I haven't ever pushed on a friend what I feel is better or worse.   

There's a about three obgyns in my town, two of which I feel suck to the maximum.  One is at one extreme, and actually almost killed a friend's baby because he just didn't believe her that the baby hadn't moved much, and the other is a big conglomerate of midwives and doctors, and from what I hear, you never see the same person twice. 

So when a pregnant woman tells me she is seeing either of those, I have to consciously shut my mouth.  I don't want to scare someone because of my opinions.  It's not my place and I know that. 

There's other factors here too.  There's two things:  Pain tolerance and pain threshold.

Tolerance is how much pain you can take

Threshold is when you start feeling pain. 

Everyone has different levels of both, and they can be in all kinds of combinations.  I have low on both, so my first contraction felt like I was being run through by a sword.  My female ob said to me beforehand "oh, you'll know because it feels like bad cramps." Um, no, not for me.

My birth experience was HORRIBLE.  I had l lousy nurses, one who looked at the montior after a contraction that made my eyes cross and said, "that wasn't a bad one."  as if I was a big baby. 

Finally after 16 hours of no progress, failed epidurals and me at the point of hysteria, I begged for a c-section.  They gave it to me because I ended up with chorioamnioitis. 

I do however, heal very quickly and I was up and running around in three days.   And I never had any problems with my milk or nursing.  I could have nursed an army.

I will never judge a person for the decisions they make. 

My second child was a planned c-section.  I used the excuse that I was afraid of uterine rupture, but really I was not about to go through that shit again.  I had a great doc who gave ME the choice.  He gave me all the information and never pushed me in either direction. 

My c-secton was a wonderful experience and again, I was up and running around three days later.  In fact I was in Toys r Us buying stuff for her.   

I don't feel the need to give birth at home, in a bathtub, or out in the field.  I don't care how a person gives birth.  It's their body, not mine.  I know that there are those that would judge me for my planned c-section, but honestly I don't care.  I did what was right for me, and I have no regrets. I don't feel less of a woman, I don't feel disapointed.

I've matured enough now to fully understand that everyone has their own experience and it is not my place.

I think that historically taking control of women's bodyies is something that this society likes to do.  Everyone wants to tell us what to do with it, how to do it and when to do it.  That includes sex, birth control, abortion , L& D and breastfeeding.  I will not be a part of that.

[Saya]

Nov. 19, 2009 at 7:27 AM

Sorry, that would be "bodies" not bodyies.  I wish we could edit our posts!

[sati769leigh]

Nov. 19, 2009 at 8:23 AM

very interesting journal post. but i feel that ALL women are also capable of thinking for themselves. well most anyways. and that they can CHOOSE to weed through the good and bad advice and make thier own decisions based on being informed and not out of fear. women feel a need to share EVERYTHING with eachother. it is how we connect and bond. sometimes though, we dont know when ot back off.