Just....well....I donno anymore....just venting i guess

[Melmomof2girls]

I am so sick and tird of feeling the way I do.  I think I may have ppd, and depression ontop of it.  I am tired of constently being in pain every day of my life.  I am tired of feeling worthless and usless too.  I wish the doctor would call me about getting into pain management so they can manage my pain!!!  I wish it were monday so I would be able to see my neuroligist about my migraines.  I wish I could bond with my baby more.  I wish she would take to me more.  I wish my hubby would be able to find work so that we could have a christmas for our daughters.  I wish I could find a way to have christmas for htem even if he does not find a job.  I wish we were able to do something for my birthday tomorrow.  I am so tired of wishing bc its nothing but  disapointment in the end.

PPD

I think I may have ppd but I am not sure.

I had my youngest on oct 27.  At first I was ok, but for the last 2 weeks I have been having these strange feelings and dreams.  I feel like I am not good enough to be this lil girls mom.  I feel like I am not good enough to even be the mom of my other 2 girls.  I feel like I am no good at all.  I keep having dreams that the kids are taken away from me for some reason, and its almost like I dont care {I would care if they were in real life}.   I keep having feelings like everything that I do and say is not good enough.  I feel like this baby does not like me {or my other 2 girls for that matter}.  When I hold her she does nothing but cry, the second daddy takes her, she is quiet.  My older 2 {who are 4 and 21 months} do not want to listen to me no matter what I say or do, but as soon as daddy says something they listen to him. 

I have also been feeling down for the past 2 weeks, bc dh lost his job.  He is able to get unemployment, and is looking for work, but i keep worrying about christmas.  My 4 year old is old enough that she understands christmas and keeps saying i would like this that and the other thing for christmas, and I have to turn away from her so she does not see my eyes fillig up with tears bc i know I can't get her anything.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and die there.

 

Just plain ol depression....

I can never seem to be really happy.  Even before I had Rissa, I was never actually happy.  I have not been for a long time and it hurt me more and more every day.  I need someone that I can talk to and vent to without hurting their feelings, and I can't do that with dh or anyone else bc they all seem to judge people and that is not what i want or need.

I am tired of being in pain 24/7...

I wish the doctors would do something about my pain in the legs, back, spine, and body.  It just needs to be taken care of.  I am waiting on the doc to set up my apt with pain management.  But the doc said that they may not be alble to set the apt till the middle or so of next month.  They told me in the mean time when I can't take the pain anymore to just go to the er.  Dh wants me to file fro disability bc all this pain makes it hard for me to work bc i can't stand or sit or walk for to long.  It makes it hard for me to paly with my daughters.

  Its slowly killing me like everything else in my life