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My Long-Distance Marriage
- Nov 20, 2009 at 10:25 AM
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- Comments (27) Total Views (2939) Everyone can see this journal post.
I am sitting here, anxiously awaiting the return of my husband. He is working on his PhD at Auburn University in Alabama. I am at home with our 3 children in Tennessee. For financial purposes, it was better for our family for him to go to Auburn without us. That means that we are, once again, in a long-distance marriage.
It has not been the worst separation in our marriage. My husband is also a veteran (though he'll be signing the papers to join the Coast Guard Reserve here shortly). He did 4 years of Active Duty in the Marines before we met (we met 3 months after he got out of the Marines). Then when he came home he joined the Army National Guard. So we have had many times when he has been away from his family. He was in California for 19 months while the children (only 2 kids at the time) were with me in Ohio (where I attended law school). Then he was overseas in Kosovo for a year (that's the Army for you, send an Arab linguist to a place where they speak Albanian). Not to mention all the schools and trainings he has been gone for (which are too numerous to count at this point). Our longest separation was 10 months.
Now he is 7 hours away for 10 months out of the year. He comes home once a month. It is not an easy marriage, it is not an easy way to have a good relationship with your spouse, being away from the one you love for such long periods of time... you make it work.
We started dating in 1996. We were married in 1998. As of today, we have been married for 11 years and 4 months. We have spent more of our married life separated, than together. Either because of the military or because of school/work.
Even with all the separation, our marriage is still strong. Stronger than it has ever been. The last time he came home was for Halloween. He is coming home today for a whole week, usually he only gets to come home for a weekend. But Auburn gives the whole week of Thanksgiving off (how cool is that??? LOL). He should be home this evening sometime, maybe even in time for dinner (I hope, I hope, I hope! LOL).
But what has kept our marriage so strong even with all the separation?
Several things.
1. Love. Fact is, we fell in love. Neither of us is a believer in "love at first sight." Love is something that we have grown into. At first there was an intense like and fun which turned into intimacy and love over the course of our dating period (we dated for 1 year before he proposed, then we were engaged for 10 months before we got married). Our first year of marriage was tough, we fought like cats and dogs. But as soon as we found out we were expecting our first child, we both changed. We recommitted to each other. No, it wasn't all peaches and cream but the love has always been there. Through every fight and argument, we have never lost sight of what brought us to marriage in the first place, a deep love for each other that has not shrivelled, but grown in the past 11 years and 4 months. We love each other so much more now than we did when we first said "I do." That love binds us to each other in a way that I can not explain in words. That love has seen us through all the arguments and disagreements (and there have been many) and brought us to where we are today (more in love and very rarely fighting).
2. Commitment. Neither of us came into this marriage thinking, "Well, if it doesn't work, we can always get divorced." We take our marriage vows "in sickness and in health, till death do you part" very seriously. That commitment has made us work through every issue we have ever had. Now that we have made it through all this time apart, the little things we used to fight about seem so petty and ridiculous. Now we talk about them instead of fight about them, or just ignore them. We reinvigorate our commitment in our daily phone calls. And those phone calls aren't us complaining to each other about work (him) or how much the kids have been fighting (me). No, they are enjoyable phone calls where we can say whatever we want but not bring the other person down with complaints and stress. One phone call a week is for administrative duties (talk about finances, gripe about work, complain about kids) all other calls are to be stress-free, for us both. And no matter how slim the budget is, we ALWAYS take time for the two of us when he does come home. We take a walk together in the park or go for a cup of coffee... something where we can be alone together, just the 2 of us to enjoy each others company and be at peace with one another.
3. Work. We have worked through our problems rather than letting the stress tear our marriage apart. ALL marriages need work. ALL marriages have times of stress, but we have come to where we work through those rather than throwing up our hands and screaming at each other. When we have an issue, we discuss it. If things start to get heated, we cool off before discussing it further. I am reminded of my children during these times. When they start getting on each others nerves, they go to time out. We do that as adults. When we are frustrating each other, we step away, think, and then come back and talk it out, rationally rather than emotionally. It is something we had to learn and now we grow because of that. We grow with love and with hope and with a new feeling of compassion, even when we disagree we come to a compromise, an agreement, that doesn't leave either one out and is inclusive for us both.
4. Division of duties. Yes, I do most of the domestic duties (cleaning, cooking, diaper changes, etc) but that is my job as a SAHM. He is the one bringing in the paycheck, keeping a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, the least I can do is have a clean house for him to come home to. When he is home, he does his share by playing with the kids and taking them to the park and enjoying his time as a daddy (and if the little one needs a diaper change, he does it, YES! LOL). Really, the housework and cooking doesn't take me nearly as long as how much he has to work. So I no longer complain and nag him to help me around the house. Honestly, I don't need his help because I have gotten my routine so that everything gets done. Now, when we have a special event (like this upcoming Thanksgiving where my in laws will be coming over), he will step up and ask "What can I do to help?" My usual response is something akin to "Can you take the kids to the park for an hour so I can have some quiet to do ______?" After packing up the kids, I get that time of quiet and can get SO much done without 3 children underfoot.
5. Communication. We talk. Oh, how we can talk. LOL We talk about whatever. Something we saw on the news, what the kids did that was just funny as all get-out, some crazy person at school.... it could be something totally benign, but we talk about it. We have even had a whole conversation about my cleaning day (I clean my house, top to bottom, every single Friday - should be doing that right now but taking a break to write this). I always make sure to have a funny story about the kids to tell him (and with 3 kids, I usually get several in a single day). Something to keep him connected with the goings-on around here.
6. Communication. This time with the kids. He talks to the kids on the phone a few times a week. This helps him stay connected with them by hearing, from them, what they have been doing in a week (maybe something we did for schoolwork - we homeschool - or what they are reading). Even my little 3 year old will talk to daddy on the phone (and before she was old enough to talk, he talked to her).
7. FUN! We never forget to have fun when he comes home. Taking the kids to the park as a family or playing a board game together. It's great to have that time as a family. And after the kids are in bed, we may read a book to each other or play a game or just sit and snuggle on the couch. As a matter of fact, I am feeling like I should challenge him to a game of "Risk" when he comes home this week!
8. Special time for the kids. We always make sure that daddy gets to do something with each of the kids, so that each one feels special and important. It is a time the kids look forward to and that he looks forward to as well.
9. Give mommy time to be the "good guy." Being the mommy and the daddy for extended periods of time, I sometimes feel like I am always the bad guy, saying "no" and "not right now." So, when he comes home, I get to enjoy a time to be the good guy and do something fun with the kids as well. This week, I get to take my older kids to Pizza Hut to use their Pizza Hut "Book It" program certificates for free individual pizzas. I can't wait!
10. Keep learning about and from each other. We are still always learning something that we didn't know about the other person. My husband just learned a few months ago that I don't like orange juice. It doesn't have to be anything big (come on, how big is orange juice anyway). But it was special. LOL He laughed and said, "13 years together and I never knew you didn't like orange juice!" It was funny. Also, every time he comes home, I show him how to cook something. It is a special time for us to bond with each other and joke with each other (me picking on his inability to cook anything that doesn't go into a microwave, and him swatting at me with a spatula). With Thanksgiving coming up, he is going to have plenty of time to learn (and even my boys are interested in helping this Thanksgiving, we may make cooking the dinner a family affair).
So, my marriage has had it's ups and downs. We have had high points and low points. But as the years pass, despite our being apart so much, the lows get fewer and the highs become more numerous. It takes time, commitment and a desire to succeed.
We both come from divorced families and that makes us work all that much harder to stay together and never lose that love for one another. All the time away from each other makes us make more of the time we have together. Our children remind us, everyday, that the love we have for each other is forever. Our struggles have brought us closer together, not farther apart. Working through those struggles has made us stronger as individuals and as a couple. We fight for everything we have and hold dear to every person in our lives.
I look forward and see my life... I see my husband and I together from here on out. If we can make it through all of this, we can make it through anything. We will succeed because we both have that desire. We both look forward to the days and months and years ahead and neither of us looks forward and sees that the other isn't there. We have a love that has withstood 11 years and 4 months of heartache and tears and struggle and fears and hope and peace and joy and excitement.... it will continue for another 11 and another 11 and on and on. And for all that we have been through and for all we are going to face in the future, I am thankful, because, in the end, it has always made us stronger and brought us closer together.
Comments:
Thanks ZacsMom! Congrats on your 20 years! That's wonderful!
We are trying to keep busy because we are so excited he is coming home but the wait for him to actually get here is nerve-wracking! LOL
I hope your family has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Boy do I remember the days of me and dh's long distance love. Not nearly as bad as yours but we were so young and it was so difficult. We were engaged when I was a senior in high School and he was a Junior in college 10 hours away. He used to drive all the way to visit me every other weekend through the rain, snow and ice and on Sunday afternoon when he had to leave we would both cry :o( We talked on the phone every night for at least an hour and he wrote me a handwritten letter every day and mailed it to me. It was hard enough then, I can't imagine doing it while having kids too.
Boy do I know how some of that is for you. Hubby and I have been together 10 yrs and married 7. Two kids, both boys (6 and 2) and one on the way. He was just medically retired from the military due to injuries from Iraq. Its hard being in the same place together now, actually. We have to get to know eachother after all these years. Its hard on our oldest cause he is used to dad being gone and now there is another "boss" in the house.
BTW...i don't like OJ either, but I think hubby already knows that. LOL :)
EricaG87, that is awesome! I'm not sure I would brave snow and ice to go 10 hours to see anyone. That's a great guy you have there!
VintageWife, besides our first year of marriage, the time he came home after he was honorably discharged from the National Guard was the toughest point in our marriage. Between trainings and duty he was gone for 4 years (only home for a month here and 2 weeks there, enough for a second "honeymoon period" not enough to "get back to reality"). But when he was home, full-time, for that time... it was tough. We had to learn to live with each other again. We grew a lot from that experience, though at time we thought it would break us. We worked through it. The lessons we learned then will help us when he is home from school (he should be finishing in 1 or 2 more years).
I want to eventually work towards a PhD in anthro/archaeology one day. I hope I can do it with my family alongside me : /
oh a ld marriage is a pain sometimes :) my hubby deployed a month after i met him (he was gone 1 yr) and with his job now (we are stationed in germany) he might as well be gone. he works shifts where we won't see him for 2 days at a time then maybe get 12 hrs with him. we use alot of the same things you have listed to help us along :) it was 3 years in october for us :)
Congratulations and Happy Thanksgiving!
Nov.2 made 12 years of marriage for me & my long distance hubby. I totally understand and you just have to embrace it. You just make it work. You appreciate things you hear other wives complain about like picking up dirty socks and underwear off the bathroom floor. That's definitely a plus in my book. Sure I'd rather have him here but since I can't (because of work) I can look at the bright side about little things like that. I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving!
caitxrawks, my husband was incrediably supportive while I was in school, I do what I can to be just as supportive (sometimes having fallen short, but learning from those mistake). I can't do much besides be supportive though, I'm not a Biology major. LOL
sweetpeatexas, Congrats! You all are doing great and can make it.
alwaysunsure, Yes, coming here and seeing some of the complaints that some have, even those things I used to complain about myself, makes me miss my husband so much more. I never thought I would actually say that I miss picking up his socks off the floor. LOL But when he is home, he has been more considerate about those little things (he's gotten much better about taking his dishes back to the sink after a midnight snack or drink).
Happy Thanksgiving!
I know how you feel, just a little bit. although my husband and i havent been together nearly as long, for most of our marriage so far we have been sepertaed by the army, at first was a 15 month deployment to iraq, and currently we are 2 months into a 12 month deployment, by the time he comes home we'll have been married for 3 1/2 years, (approx 42 months) and will have physically spent only about 15 months of that together.
I dont feel that i am IN LOVE with my husband, but that our love has grown into a commited partnership.
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Congratulations on your 11 years and 4 months! That's a time span that most people cannot seem to make it to and they haven't dealt with the seperation that you and your husband have. I've been married to my high-school sweetheart for 20 years now and it just keeps getting better!
You and the kids must be so excited that he gets to come home for an entire week! I wish you and your family a blessed Thanksgiving.
- ZacsMom
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