Flashes of Sadness....

[labrax]

I've been married 4 yrs now and I won't say that my marriage is the way I dreamed for it to be and it makes me sad, in fact, near depressed. I try to supress my emotions and look on the bright side of my marriage but it still doesn't take the pain away.

First of all, let me give you a little history... I met my husband in 2002 for the first time briefly and in 2005 we met again, then we started dating, got engaged, I got pregnant after he insisted cos we were going to get married. I did. Four months later I asked when we were going to get married then he started avoiding me. We began to have fights over every thing under the sun. At 7 months he showed up again, by then I'd told my mom about the situation. It was too late to think of an abortion and I couldn't imagine having a child out of wedlock cos it's like taboo where I come from. My mom raised hell on him and he said he was sorry, that he had some family issues he needed to resolve cos his family didn't want him to marry me...

To cut the story short, we got married without me meeting his family since they didn't want to see me. Then I started noticing that all was not right with my prince charming...the lies started creeping out but he told me otherwise and I believed him each time. He told me he was in the army intelligence unit, a spy. Never wanted me to visit at his place of work cos it was too 'sensitive'. I fell for all those lies, then he told me there was a woman that he dated long ago but she didn't tell him she'd never gotten a divorce from her ex , she helped him join the army, he owed her a lot and that while they were in the relationship she treated him bad etc,etc.

Last year, we got closer than ever,after I'd found him out a couple of times and he cried and swore he would never be dishonest with me, I forgave him once more and that was like the third major lie.

I had my second son in march,'08 and all these years he works 124 miles away in another town, so he lives there and visits us every other weekend. arrives on friday evening and departs sunday morning barely 48hrs. In the month of June, the shit hit the fan... I discovered he's been living with the woman and they have three kids (he says only one is his). I visited unannounced after I made my investigations and found their house address. Turns out the woman and he planned that he would marry me, she even posed as his sister several times over the phone during those days we were courting. He was never in the army and I'd told all my friends and family that he was in the army. He took my money to run a joint venture business with his mistress/wife! And I had two kids for him, had called him husband for 3yrs at the time, had begged him to tell me the truth for 3yrs and he had always lied. Truth is that he loved to deceive me, chose his other family over ours, had ruined my life.., even lied about his age, his tribe, his family everything. I was married to a stranger! We were separated for 6 months after and he started begging and all.

We came back together cos of my kids, I didn't want to raise them as a single parent and by then I was financially weak. To further cut the story shorter, we're still together, I've tried to put it behind me. It's taken months of gr8 effort to get to this present point which is that, I love him but not in love with him, don't trust him, hardly believes anything he says and don;t imagine him in my future. I pray God gives me a man when my kids are grown that would love me the way i want.

Funny thing is that, we have a good relationship,at least we can talk,gist, gossip,u know, like good friends. As for sex, well, am always horny so we have sex but not because I desire him or cos he's special. And so far, he has tried to be good,but i don't appreciate it so much now, i do but not so much like i would if he'd been this way ever since.

So some times I get flashes of depression and sadness.. 

[Fordmomma]

Nov. 20, 2009 at 3:36 PM

I'm really sorry about all the things you have dealt with in your marrige, but honey someday you will find someone who loves you treats you like a queen and who you can trust with all your heart. There is a man out there for you and your kids. Big hugs

[catysnanny]

Nov. 20, 2009 at 4:17 PM

You can't help but to feel sad & depressed!

I also know VERY well how hard it is to get out of this type of relationship.

However, regardless AND because of-the children...you desperately need to ditch him.

Yes, so far, he has the right to visitation with "the children"...NOT you!

Fordmomma was correct in saying; "There is a man out there for you AND your kids".

The user that you are with is probably got you convinced that no one will want you with kids.

That is not the case.

There are a lot of men that will love you for who YOU are & they will love your kids...especially if you show that you are willing to give yourself & your children the respect you all deserve.

Good Luck & I'm willing to talk & listen, to you, if you need a ear.

Yes, I have been through it!

[berrysweetmamma]

Nov. 22, 2009 at 1:11 AM

Girl,  you need to ditch that man.  What are you doing?  You are so beautiful!  I'm not just saying that.  That is why I friended you,  I saw your pic and thought wow,  she is a pretty lady.  I understand that you might be afraid to be alone.  I'm right there with you.  But I also know that if I want to ever be happy,  I must jump ship.  Start planning and make a life without him.  Mr. Right will come along eventually.  Hope you feel better. :)