What to do...

[Cenchan]

Note: this is a semi-vent, semi-rant journal... without any swear words.

What is a mom to do when she can't get any time away? I know it's healthy for couples to get a few hours away from each other (and away from the kids), but what am I to do when I'm starting to feel jealous of my husband getting 'his time' away from our daughter and myself to spend time with friends and I never get the same pleasure? I don't want to be jealous.

I love my daughter and my husband. I really do, but I really, really, really, REALLY would like some time away from them both -- AT THE SAME TIME. I get plenty of time away from my husband when he's at work, but it seems the very rare times we let his mom take the baby, it's for something he wants to do with me, or he'll offer to take his much younger brother instead and I'm then stuck with both of them. But there are times when I don't want to have to take care of the baby, and I don't want to be around him and I would like to be out of the house -- but what to do?

I want to pull out my hair at this point. My husband's planned doing things for 2 nights in a row to go 'out with the guys' and promised there's a day where he and I are 'going out' -- but didn't say anything about if we'd be taking our daughter or not. I honestly don't even know if I can put trust in those words because there's been so many times where he promises one thing but when the day actually comes, he pulls the 'I don't feel well' or 'I'm too tired' or 'I don't feel like going out tonight' schtick. I have a feeling the 2 nights of going out with the guys is going to lend itself to a 'I just want to stay at home with you tonight' of him playing video games and me, once again, having to entertain our daughter. I get the feeling that since he saw me drawing tonight, I must have had my "me time" because he was gone and my daughter took her 1-hour nap -- so his going out was justified.

But I get to thinking about things and there's really nothing I have to do. I don't have any friends around here. I'm super shy and introverted when face to face with people -- to the point of social anxiety. I have no means of transportation and am unable to drive my husband's car. What is there for me to do? Walk up to the Library and sit awkwardly while feeling like everyone's looking at me, the 6 foot tall amazonian? Go to Moxie-java and do the same? (Don't have extra money to spend, so that's out of the question.) Going for a walk would be nice if there weren't so many creepy men who yell out their window at me as they drive by. I'm not from around here so going from growing up in a small town to living in a large city really freaks me out.

So I don't know. Even if I did have the ability to have a night out on my own without my husband and daughter, I've got no clue of where to go or what to do and that really makes me depressed. I'm really depressed with myself and it's causing such a horrible downward spiral. I want to do something but I don't know what.

Tags: depressed, lonely, jealous, anger, time off, rant, vent

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