Holiday Dilemma... I need advice and support.

[tinythomas]

 Hi All!

I need a "girlfriends" ear today and hopefully a little support, encouragement and advice.

A little history first,

I have always gone way overboard on the holiday gifting and it was often a point of contention between my exhusband and me.  I wanted my kids to have everything because my siblings and me  pretty much got nothing for Christmas when we were kids. I way overcompensated, as do many parents, which often leads to selfish, unappreciative kids. There aren't many things I would change about my life, but that is one of them. And it's never too late to change.

 My ex and I used to spend $1500 on each of our two boys back in the 70's and 80's. All my fault. Now my son who has kids and my only living son, feels he has to do the same thing for his kids plus he thinks he has the right to tell his dad and me what to buy him and his family. And he and his wife expect us to spend every penny we can on them, no matter if we have to use our retirement savings or what. Well, I've been used, unappreciated and disrespected enough.

 My days of giving in for fear of losing the right to see my grandkids are over. I lived in fear of not being the perfect mother, which led me to spend almost every single penny I had, and I had quite a few at the time, to buy their love. My son loves me but he has gotten confused on rights and wrongs when it comes to mama and daddy. He is a great father, though strict. A good husband, though demanding. And he loves his mama and daddy, but he thinks if we have a dime to our name, half should be his and he's way past 21. 

And they think if I don't babysit on demand, go to their house on demand, take them or buy them what they need on demand... I'm a bad mother. For example: my back went out 2 weeks ago, just before I was going to watch the baby of my grandkids while they moved. I couldn't watch him;  in fact, the doctor ordered me to bed, for 2 weeks minimum, because of risks to my spine if I pushed any further. In those 2 weeks, they haven't called, texted or commented on Facebook to see if I'm even alive. 

Then the other day, after hearing that my son's back was hurting, I texted him, asked him how he was feeling and told him the Dr. had me on a shot and a RX of steroids "if you were worrying about me". He has still not acknowledged that text.

(I have fibromyalgia, emphesyma, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, a cripple foot, a bad back and a problem with my blood holding on to essential vitamins.  He says I'm a hypochondriac, though I had my two doctors give me copies of the tests showing these results. Fibro is the only one that can't be proven. He wouldn't even look at the results, sayng that my doctors were quacks.)

Then yesterday I put on my FB status that I woke up without pain for the 1st time in 2 weeks. Later last night, I had a text from my son, asking a favor.

I have done the same thing spoiling my grandkids but they are appreciate, respectful and get mad because mom and dad talk bad about nana. But now, divorced and short on the bank account and the fact that I've lately realized that gifting shouldn't be the reason for the season, I have decided that this year I am going to simplify my Holidays. For my own peace of mind, budget and the morals of those who look up to me. Teach by example, right?

I don't know what I'm asking you guys except, am I wrong?  Am I supposed to do whatever they expect of me?  What can you say to a man, who is a grown, hard working, good parenting man,  who you can't get through to  that you aren't well enough to do all the things he and his wife want you to do, babysit, be the taxi, spend the money they want. How do you deal with someone who is always mad at people, who hates people for their religious views, their style of living, their choice of movies... whatever he doesn't like... he puts people down for it if he doesn't like it. How can I speak this badly of a son I love so fiercely and NOT be a bad person?  How can I love him SO much and dislike how he is SO bad? He is not so young and not on his 1st or 2nd marriage... that might give you an idea.

I love my son with every ounce of my being. I would fight to the death for him. How do you help someone who has no idea they need help? Talk to someone who can't hear anyone else's words?  I feel like the very worst mother in the world for feeling this way about my son.

 I have no one to talk to about this so I wrote it here. As far as I know, my family has no idea about this site or the fact that I'm a member and I intend on keeping it that way. I need one place I can let it all out.

[tinythomas]

Nov. 21, 2009 at 2:59 PM

Hi anonymous,

I think you are doing the right thing. You have done your job with your children and the Holiday gifts are from the heart not requested like the radio station.. Hello... Don't he get it you are on a fixed income its just you. He in my opinion should be helping you out not taking from you. Wow.. so ungrateful it drives me crazy.. Now I see it is not just the Teenagers that are this way some grown folks also?  Well you think of you this year, if you have to leave town take a trip with the money you would have spent...  I'm not saying don't buy the Grand Kids anything, I'm just suggesting you do what u can not what he or his wife thinks you can... You should tell him how you feel about his attitude and the way he is.. If he doesn't listen in person and always cuts you off mail him and his wife a letter or email him... this way if he responds in a nasty way you can delete it or hang up.. then he'll see how it feels for someone who cares not to listen to what you are feeling.

Signed:  Your right 

Nov. 21, 2009 at 3:16 PM

Thank you for the answer. I know I'm right. But talking to him is so impossible. He doesn't listen to anyone but his wife. If you knew me... I am so laid back, gentle and way too giving. I have been told so many times what a good person I am. Why doesn't he see it?  I sometimes think he has to act like I am horrible to get the sympathy of his wife, for attention. Or maybe he needs counseling. His dad has anger issues too but never treated me or his own mom like this. This son has alienated just about everyone he knows. None of the family like him but he sees it as they are all trash.  He sees everything in his own way.  He married a much younger woman and now she is just like him. He did it to his last wife too, turns them into unforgiving, selfish snobs. I always thought it was the girls... but after 4 wives... I'm forced to admit it must be him. I'm so scared of confrontation. He never learns anyway. I will have to die for him to think good of me. I was always the mom who baked, helped at school, took them everywhere, had all the kids over. I don't know what happened.  I'm so sad.

Anonymous (Original Poster)